You Could Be Happy
by jakeward aka lindalu
Summary: Seven years, a few dreams that can't be remembered, & a relationship dies. A love leaves, nearly destroying the life he leaves behind. Another love returns, trying desperately to help restore the pieces. When true love returns, what choice will be made?
1. The Begining of the End

Seven years, a few dreams that can't be remembered, and a relationship dies. A love leaves, nearly destroying the life he leaves behind. Another love returns, trying desperately to help restore the pieces.

Bella is having dreams she can't remember. What she does know is they are exhausting her. Edward becomes distant and leaves. What happens when Jacob returns? Can he help mend her broken heart? And what happens when Bella finally lets Jacob in, only to have Edward return? And just whose side will Jacob be on in the end?

An agsty story with New Moon overtones, in an All Human world.

This is a Bella and Edward story, but not without a whole bunch of Jacob. This story is 'New Moon'-centric, with a happy Soul Mate ending. Full of tears, heartbreak, angst, tension, and in the end, love. If you aren't a fan of Jacob, you should know....Jacob will redeem his ways in this fic. He will be the voice of reason, the comfort-without-agenda, the friend that doesn't push when Bella is confused. He is the Jacob I read that lead me to my penname. I just turned him out in this fic to be a grown up smart enough to realize when two people are suppose to be together. ( feel better, Shrew?)

Chapter One

Shit, my life sucks.

"Bella? Are you still there?"

"No, I'm still here." _Though I'd much rather hang up and forget you ever called me._

"Sorry, you got really quiet there for a while."

"Mmm." _Seriously, please let me die in peace._

"So, uh, I was thinking, maybe we could go to Port Angeles and maybe get some dinner - if that's ok."

Did I think my life sucked? Nope. Try a swirling vortex of terror or a black hole.

"Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"What do you think?"

_I think I want to try jumping off a cliff again. _"Mike. Listen . . . I just can't."

"Jeez Bella, it's been like, what, a year?"

I finally understood, in that one moment, why Edward always had fantasies about hurting Mike Newton. No, it hadn't been a year. More like five months. And I still wasn't over it. "Mike, thanks for asking, but I'm just not ready yet."

"It's cool. It's not a no, I can live with that," Mike's voice sounded upbeat. Crap.

"I don't know that I'll ever be ready."

"If that Cullen were here, I'd kick his ass for you." _Yeah, and he'd wipe the floor with you._

"Thanks, Mike. I gotta go."

"Sure, I'll call you later."

I hung up the phone and tried to shake off the feeling that talking with Mike Newton had caused. It didn't work. Maybe I needed a shower. It wasn't that he was creepy, it was just . . . well . . . okay, sometimes Mike was creepy. And it wasn't like I enjoyed the attention that was coming my way. In the past month alone, I'd had calls from a co-worker of Angela's, Tyler, and now Mike. Word was out and it was that I was finally out of my zombie state and acting like a functioning person once again. Sometimes I really got pissed at Charlie. I wasn't out of my 'phase', far from it. But there was only so much you could do when you didn't shower for days and you knew the take-away delivery people on a first name basis, including their pet's name's. Yeah, it had gotten that bad.

I pretty much hit rock bottom when Steve, the guy at the pizza place, had the order already on its way to me before I called. I knew I needed to attempt a return to the living, no matter how much I didn't want to.

So there I was, shopping the local Thriftway in my comatose state when I ran into who should have been my future mother-in-law. Brutal. She tried to smile, but I could tell what was running through her mind. I tried to offer a reassuring smile, but fell short when I felt the stinging in my eyes. All I could manage was a lopsided grin, a mix of forced normalcy and hiding the pain I still felt. I left the cart where it was and had Angela make the run for me the next day. Some friends don't need details, they just do what you ask and leave it at that.

I looked at the phone, shuddering at the thought of Mike calling again. Whether or not I had ever dated Edward, Mike was simply not my type. No one was. Well, ok. One person was. And he was gone. So just where did that leave me? Broken, that was obvious.

I still couldn't get my mind to understand what had happened. Things were great for so long, then they weren't. I'm not saying we didn't have our issues, but they were small compared to this. I started to replay all of it, the past seven years, once again. Just as I had done nearly every day over the past five months.

We met our junior year in high school and it didn't take long before I became a permanent fixture in his life and him in mine. The senior year started which meant college planning. I'd planned to go local. I didn't have nearly the financial resources he did. His father was a doctor and was a genius with investments. Well off, yeah, I'd say they were. So when I was told that Carlisle was going to foot the bill for both Edward and me at UCLA, I was stunned. He said it was a sound investment and he loved a sound investment.

Half way through our senior year, my personal hell broke loose.

I shook my head, thinking about it all over again finding that it still bugged me. When I was kid, I'd spent summers with my dad after the divorce. Since my dad, Charlie, didn't really know what to do with me outside taking me fishing, and really, I'm an indoor girl, he picked up that I was miserable. He decided to enlist his best friend and his son, Jacob, to help pass the visits. Jacob was the saving grace to the three weeks I spent in Forks each year. When I moved to Forks my junior year, it was harder to see him. He didn't go to the same school as I did and I'd met Edward so soon after getting to town, I didn't have much time to spend with him anyway.

So about a month after Edward and I started dating, he went out of town and I decided to hang with other friends and go to the beach one Saturday. That was when I ran into Jacob again. We talked and totally reconnected. It was like those summer all over again. When he found out Edward and I were dating, I could tell he was bummed out. I didn't once think it was possible that he wanted to ask me out. Yeah, so wrong about that. Charlie asked me if I was sure I didn't want to give Jake a chance instead of dating Edward. Yeah, I was very sure. Edward was fast becoming the air I breathed. And Charlie didn't like it. He made sure I still made time for my 'old friends', as he put it.

Irritated as I was, I couldn't deny that I did want to spend time with Jacob. Jake and I spent time together when Charlie went over to watch a game with Jacob's dad. We would sit in his makeshift garage and I would watch him work on his car and we'd talk.

One weekend, he told me that some of the La Push kids were going cliff diving and wanted to know if I wanted to go with him. I did, but when I mentioned it to Edward, well, he flipped. After several rounds of heated, yet reserved, discussions, he told me that if he ever lost me, he feared he would do something rash. Ok, seriously, who even talks like that? We fought over my friendship with Jacob, he felt I was spending too much time with Jake. I knew he was jealous, but I didn't care. I spent tons of time with his family and practically ditched my friendships with everyone else. He wasn't going to take Jacob away from me too, and that lead to us not being 'us' for a few weeks. I couldn't sleep, or eat, and I nearly lost what few friends I had outside of Edward's family. Only Angela stood by me. And Jacob.

It ended when Edward's sister, Alice, told me she was afraid that Edward was losing it and feared he would do something irreversible that I broke our silence. I drove to their house and was shocked by what I saw when I got to his room. He looked broken. Broken, lost, and in pain. It mirrored how I felt.

We talked through it, the Jacob issue and a few other base insecurity things. We became stronger for it. The only thing that really bothered me was that he still didn't understand why if I had him, I still needed Jacob. I tried to explain that Jake knew me before I became to complicated teen wreck that I was when he met me; I loved Jake, but I was in love with Edward. He caved and I got my time with Jake, but I knew it was hard for him every time I headed to La Push. Did he think that one day I would just magically fall out of love with him and in love with Jake? The only thing I could do to reassure him that wouldn't happen was to let him drive me to Jake's and pick me up. It was a small price to pay, but I got to spend time with my best friend. As far as I knew, Jake never had an issue with it.

When Edward and I finally went to college, Jake did everything he could to keep me from going. He said if I let Edward take me away, I would never come back and he would never see me again. He said I would be changed and never again be the same Bella. Standing in his garage, he told me that he loved me for the first time. Talk about awkward. I told him that I loved him too, as a friend, and he would always be a part of my life. Yeah, that didn't go over all that great.

Jake grew distant after that, and before I knew it, he'd stopped all communication with me. I'd heard from his father, Billy, that Jake went to Alaska for college and that was the last I'd heard anything about him. Edward had never been happier. Jealous much?

And here it was, five years later. Edward and I finished college. I decided my last year that I wanted to change my major which added two more years for me. We moved back to Forks. We missed it. I was going to finish my degree online while I worked freelance from the house that Carlisle bought us. Edward got a job right after graduation, as if I didn't see that coming, and jumped right in to using his economics and finance degree that came with a perfect 4.0.

The past year had been really good. Edward had been promoted, was making more money, and we were talking about the next step. You know, the big one. Ever the planner, Edward said he would make things official after I finally graduated. The countdown had begun, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared in a good way.

A few months later, a new scared started to take over.

I hadn't slept well the past two nights and last night was no different. I couldn't remember any dreams, or fragments of dreams, nor could I think of what would lead to my restlessness. I reached across the bed to Edward only to find him gone. It wasn't unusual for him to be awake before I was; I viewed sleep as mandatory while Edward viewed it as a nuisance. Like he was being forced to do something that was unnatural to him. For me, sleep was needed and sought out as much as possible. I never could seem to sleep enough and waking up feeling as tired as I did was a sure sign today wasn't going to be a good day. Fourteen hours and I was back in bed. Maybe tonight would be different and I would finally sleep soundly.

I threw the down bedding back and reluctantly got out of bed. After taking care of the morning necessities, I made my way down the stairs to the kitchen. There were two things that could make me more alert than I was. Coffee and Edward.

I saw Edward at the table, coffee cup in hand, reviewing documents that I knew were work related. I hesitated approaching him, but decided he wouldn't mind.

"Good morning, handsome," I said, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, pressing my chest into his back.

"Hi." His voice was tense and distant. I had guessed wrong. Work had to come first. Oh well, there was always after work.

"Got a busy day?" I asked, sitting down next to him.

"No."

"Oh. I just figured. . ."

"I'm just not in the mood, Bella, alright?"

"Okay. Is something wro-"

"Honestly, Bella! I don't want to talk to you right now!" He hissed.

"Fine." I felt a stab in my heart at his words.

"I need to get out of here. I can't breathe," he growled, picking up his papers and shoving them in his briefcase. He shoved the chair back and walked so fast out of the house, he left a breeze in his wake.

I sat frozen at the table for long time after he left. I couldn't imagine what would cause him to act as he did. I knew he was prone to being a bit moody, but this was almost over the top, even for him.

I busied myself around the house cleaning both it and myself up before I went to the study to work. I hadn't pictured myself as a writer, but when the freelance job literally fell into my lap, I would've been stupid to not take it. I wrote for several publications about books and music. It was fun and easy. Not a bad way to make a living. Even when the books and music were terrible, I had to admit it was still fun to write about. I hadn't given up a better job though. I was finishing up my graduate school with the goal that maybe I could do more than just review things for a writing career. Maybe.

Around four, I got an email from Edward asking to meet me in the meadow. It was our secret place. It was the place he took me in the early days of our relationship, and I always knew being there with him meant change was on the way. I never in a million years would have guessed the change that was coming this time.

Chapter End Notes:

I hope y'all liked it. It's a bit different for me, but I just couldn't stop the muse. I think Jacob paid her off. ;)


	2. Pain

"Bella, we need to talk."

Nothing good ever came from those four words. I should've known then to run. Make him catch me and maybe forget what he wanted to talk to me about. He was a much faster runner than I was, so it would be more of a series of sprints, but I would try all the same. I felt my heart slam against my chest, silently praying I had read his face wrong. "O.K."

"I've been offered a job." His eyes wouldn't meet mine, holding a view of the overgrown forest that rested under our feet. This couldn't be good.

"A job? You have one already. Why would you need a new one?" I matched his stare, or more like the top of his head. When he lifted it, I would be ready to try to read his face. It was the only defense I had. His eyes always had a way of hiding from me, but his mouth never did.

"I don't need a new one, but I don't think I can really say no to this one." He didn't move his head. In fact, he didn't move anything. He stood as still as if he was made from stone.

"I thought I was the only thing you couldn't say no to." I tried to offer a hint of humor, anything to change the look I knew must've been on his face.

It didn't work. His shoulders squared, and I saw the slow steady rhythm of his breathing halted. How did he do that? I was never able to stop my body from showing signs of life, and for him it was almost a habit.

"Bella . . . "

"Yeah?" _Oh God, just get it over with. _

"I was offered a job . . . in Italy." He finally brought his head up. For once, I didn't stand a chance of reading it. He blocked me and every silent avenue of reading his mind. I started to panic.

"Italy?" I choked back the panic that gripped me.

"Yeah, it's a great opportunity . . . once-in-a-lifetime really."

"How long?"

"A year, maybe longer."

"I see. When would you need to let them know?" It was obvious, at least to the part of me that admitted how well I knew him, that there wasn't a time line for accepting, only leaving.

"I already accepted." And there it was, the lone signal I needed two minutes before that moment. The corners of his eyes dipped, the corners of his mouth straightened.

"What? How could you? Didn't you think we needed to talk about this? I mean Italy is huge! It's not like moving from Forks to Seattle. We have the house and my grad school and . . . "

"Bella . . . "

"No! How could you accept this without even talking to me first? I can't just uproot myself now. This is my last year of grad school. I've worked too hard to postpone graduation now. Not to mention the thought of trying to get accepted somewhere overseas. I can't just shift gears that fast, Edward."

"You're not going," he whispered so quietly, I almost didn't hear him.

"What? I didn't hear you," I lied.

He took a slow, long breath. "You're not going."

"What? What do you mean I'm not going? How could I not go with you?" It was less a question and more of a confused statement. What did he mean, I wasn't going with him? What did he think I would do? He knew I would go wherever he was. That was just understood. We belonged together, wherever that might be.

"I'm sorry." His head hung low again, his voice matched.

"You're sorry? What? Edward?" Panic made its way front and center.

"It's just the right thing to do." His head never moved.

"For you . . . or for us?" I felt the tears stinging behind my eyes, silently praying I wasn't about to hear what I feared could be said.

"I love you." Again, his voice was so quiet. I almost didn't hear it.

"I love you too. Edward, you're really scaring me."

"I just don't see any other way." He pinched the bridge of his nose, _not_ a good sign.

"Other way?"

"I love you, but . . . "

"No! I love you. Don't do this!" I was shaking.

"Bella, it's just that . . . the pieces don't fit any more." His eyes looked as though they were searching, as if even he wasn't sure of his words. I put every last hope into that. "It's just no use trying."

"What?" It was my turn now. My voice, barely above a whisper, would betray me if it went any louder. I pinched my eyes tight, forcing back the tears. It felt as if hours had past rather than minutes, before I finally opened my eyes to look at him. For a brief moment, I could've sworn I saw a look of anguish in his eyes and on his face before went back to its hardened state. I needed to act fast before I lost him forever, as my instinct told me I would. "Edward, think about this for a second. It doesn't have to be this way. You can go, and we can still be together. I can figure out how to visit you and you will surely have time to come home to see me."

"No." Again with his stillness. I wanted to shake him, if only I could stop shaking myself first.

"I'm sure it can't be that hard. I can just bring my stuff with me and still work and not delay graduation."

"No."

"Why not? You know it can work. If it's only a year . . . "

"It might not be, Bella. I might decide to stay there . . . permanently."

I didn't say a word. I just stared at him in disbelief.

"It's been more than seven years." His voice hit the hard edge I hate hearing. He reserved that tone for times when his mind was made up and he was forcing someone to stop arguing and just give in to his will, even if it was against their own. And then, all too suddenly, his face changed. Gone were the soft features I could still make out under the hard edges and creased lines. The look that met my eyes was, in a word, mean. His words were meant to do just what his face had set up, to kill me. "You didn't really think that I was going to marry you, did you?"

I opened my mouth to fight back, no sound passed over my lips. I tried to manage a squeak, but even that was drowned out by my breaking heart.

"I'll have my dad come and get my stuff later this week."

"Go to hell." It was all I could say, and it wasn't even what I wanted to say. I didn't understand where the words were coming from. Why would I ever think to say that to him? My Edward.

"Bella . . . " His voice was leading, almost pleading me to understand some hidden message I wasn't understanding.

"No." My voice was firm, almost harsh and it surprised me. I realized then it was self preservation talking, not my heart. "Don't _'Bella'_ me. What is _wrong_ with you? Why would you do . . . how could you lie . . . "

"I'm not lying, Bella," he said, flinching.

"So . . . what? What has all of this been? Seven years is a long time to just decide one day to throw it away."

"It's what has to be done. I just wish you could understand that." He reached out to touch my shoulder. I could feel my skin burning underneath his touch. It wasn't the usual heat that reached me when he touched me. This was something else, something I'd never felt because of him before. It was a mix or what? Anger and sorrow? I was desperate to do anything to keep him, but repelled by his touch at the same time.

"Oh believe me, I understand. I'm just not good enough for you. I should've seen this coming. How was it ever possible that the standoffish, brooding Edward Cullen would ever be interested in me?"

"That isn't the reason, and you know it." He sounded hurt. Good.

"Then what do I know? Hmm? That you loved me yesterday, and today you don't. That you told me you wouldn't leave me, and now you are?"

"You just have to trust me on this. It's better this way. That's all I can say."

"Trust you? You want my trust after this? Are you high?"

"It's better this way," he spoke more to himself than to me.

"Right. Like it was better that we weren't friends, and yet one day you just upped and decided that you wanted me in your life?" I looked at him and saw his lips drawn into a thin line, his eyes closed, lids flexed as if he was trying to calm himself. "That's what this is about, isn't it? You never did want me. I was nothing more than a . . . a . . . a trophy. What, did you and Emmett have some bet back then to see if I was dumb enough to fall for you?"

"No."

"And then what? You just got stuck with me and suddenly it's seven years later and you finally found a way out?" I was close to full out losing it and it scared me. I wanted to hit him hard and snap him out of wherever was going on in his head.

"I had my reason then to have said that to you, just as I have reasons now."

"Fine. Maybe it always was more _prudent_ for you to not be my friend. I just wish you could've decided that before today, before you destroyed my heart." I started to walk away from him, my eyes brimming with tears making my hasty departure hard to see clearly. I needed to get away from him and fast.

"Bella." His voice was soft and hurt and I wanted more than anything to run and throw myself into his arms and kiss him until his irrational thoughts subsided. But I couldn't, it would hurt too much when he pushed me away.

"What? What more can you possibly have to say to me?" The tears fell like water over a cliff's edge. I felt my chest heave and buckle under the intense pain I was feeling, my voice showing him just how undone I'd become.

"I....I'll never stop loving you." His eyes met mine, registering the pain I was displaying.

I gathered a shaking breath before speaking to him, "No, I don't think you ever really did."

I didn't wait for him to reach out to me, to say my name, to ask me to wait. I took off in a fast walk. My vision completely obstructed forcing me to not run. I never heard him even shift a foot. My heart collapsed in pieces, some of which were shattered beyond recognition. If I was lucky enough to survive this pain, and at that moment I hoped I wouldn't, I knew I would never be able to forgive him. Or to love anyone again.

_Six months later . . ._

"Dad, seriously, I'm fine. I don't need you to watch over me like this. I am an adult, in case you missed it." As soon as I said it, I wished I hadn't. He had missed a lot of me growing up, and not from his own choice. I didn't need to remind him of my not being as close to him as I should have been in the last seven years. Once I'd started dating . . . No, I wouldn't let myself think of him. I spent too many nights crying over him and the loss of us to allow that gaping wound in my heart to tear open.

"Bella, I just wish you wouldn't hole yourself up in that house of yours. It can't be healthy."

"Dad, the house is fine. I can stand being here, alone, until it sells. Once that is behind me, I can find my own place, maybe even once closer to you. I could take care of dinner for you again."

"Honey, while I would love nothing more than to have that, I just worry about you, well, being alone."

"You don't have to be. I'm ok, really. I am." And I was. As long as I kept repeating that mantra, I was sure one day I would believe it.

"Well still, I just hope you can overlook a father's need to protect his daughter." There was something in his tone that worried me. Not in the usual sense, more like he was trying to confess something to me that where the sin hadn't happened yet.

"Dad, what did you do?" I walked into the kitchen and pulled a bagel from its paper bag.

"Nothing. Much. I'm just worried. I gotta run right now, but I'll call you in a bit to make sure you're still talking to me. Love you." And then the line went dead.

_Still talking to him? Why would I _stop _talking to him. Unless he called . . . _Him.

My mind chased around a good few thoughts before my hunger took over. I reached into the kitchen drawer and pulled out the cutting board. I set it down on the island along with the bagel, and walked to the stove to grab the bread knife. I picked up the bagel and paused before cutting it. I looked into the window over the sink. The sun was setting, casting a rose glow over the deep forest just outside the house. Twilight. It was always _his_ favorite time of day, and the time when I missed him the most. I could always get through the evenings, reading or writing something toward my graduate degree, and the days were spent in the library researching. But twilight was that unavoidable time when my mind had its only rest and he always found a way of creeping in.

I was so lost in thought, more like fighting memories, when the sound of knocking on the front door caused me to jump. I looked over to the clock hanging above the back door. Angela. I'd almost completely forgotten she was coming over.

"Come on in. The door's unlocked," I said, picking up the knife and starting to cut the bagel. Company or not, hunger would always win. I was just about to finish the cut when I made the mistake of looking to the window to see if Angela had made it in yet. I wasn't expecting to see the reflection of a ghost.

"Hey Bells."

"Holy Crap," A blinding pain hit me, just before I collapsed to the ground.

I came to, who knows how much later, and before even opening my eyes, felt the intense burning pain in my palm. I tried to focus on something, anything, but the excruciating pain along the raised palm of my left hand. And then I felt something else, something that I had repressed years ago. I felt a warmth on my other hand. A warmth that penetrated into my very soul. No, it couldn't be.

"Bells? You ok?"

"Jake? Is that really you?" I asked, my eyes clenched shut.

"Yeah, it's really me." I heard his voice, deep and husky as ever, touched with sincerity and, could it be after all these years, love?

"What . . . how did you . . . how did I . . . " I didn't want to open my eyes, to find out that this conversation existed only in my head. I'd had enough of those in the past half year.

"I'll start with your first question, all right?" His voice offered a small hint of laughter, "Your dad heard I was back and called me this morning. He asked if I could go see you. Once I found out _he_ wasn't here, it was a no brain-er. Of course I would go see you. As to the how did you . . . well, once you sliced open your hand, that was pretty much it. You passed out from either the sight of blood, the pain, or both. You went down pretty quick. I'm still not sure how you didn't cut your head open."

"Years of practice," I said, referring to my track record with being a complete klutz.

"Yeah, probably. Anyway, I wrapped your hand up and threw you in my car and ended up here. I can't say you didn't have me worried. You soaked that towel."

"Which towel?"

"The green one with all the Oscar Wilde quotes on it," he said, his face neutral.

"Good. It was his," I said, my voice tainted in the venom only found in someone with a broken heart.

"Excellent. You have anything else of his I can destroy for you?" Jake's hearty laugh filled the small exam room. I realized quickly just how much I missed him.

"Let me take a look around. I'm sure I can find something."

"So, how are you?" He wasn't asking about my hand and I knew it, but I didn't want to answer him. "Bells?"

"Not right now, k? I will later, but not now." I met his eyes, hoping he wouldn't press. He didn't. It was one of only a few times Jake didn't press where Edward was considered.

"I bet you want to get out of here, don't you?" He squeezed my hand. He hadn't forgotten much over the years, had he?

"More than anything."

"Right. Let me get that nurse and see what I can make happen."

He walked out of the small room, the curtain fluttered in his wake. I closed my eyes, forcing a fresh batch of tears back. No, I simply wasn't going to cry. Jake was back and that was all that mattered. It didn't matter that my dad interfered, that I cut my hand open, or that I was in the emergency room. What mattered was the sun had finally returned to my life. Jake returned a few minutes later, a nurse following him.

"That was fast."

"It's all about who you know. She's a La Push girl." Jacob winked at me, a small grin spread across my face. How was it that he always made me laugh when I needed it the most?

"Ms. Swan? How are you feeling?" The nurse picked up my chart, as if that had the answer to her question.

"Fine. I guess . . . humiliation aside." I looked down at the heavily bandaged proof of my clumsiness.

"Well, since you didn't get a concussion, I think we might be able to release you tonight. I've paged the on-call doctor and he should be here in a moment." She smiled a professional smile, placed the chart back on the hook and breezed back out.

"She was like that growing up too," Jacob laughed, rolling his eyes as the curtain fluttered.

I smiled at him, thankful that he was here with me and not Charlie or Angela. I knew if they had been, this would've been turned into a near amputation. I heard voices softly speaking on the other side of the curtain, my name was mentioned once, and then the curtain lifted. The sight was enough to suck the air from my lungs.

"Hello Bella." Carlisle stood as elegant and perfect as he had the last time I'd seen him. Or any time that I'd seen him for that matter.

"Hi, Da . . . Dr. Cullen." I noticed him wince when he heard me. I didn't know what else to call him. Certainly I couldn't go on calling him Dad, could I?

"Well," he started, the professional tone returning to his voice. I hated hearing that, but really, was there much other choice? "I'm sure you're anxious to find out about your hand, aren't you?"

"Yes, how bad is it?" I prepared myself for months of physical therapy from cutting important and needed tendons.

"All things considered? I've seen much worse. You did some damage, but nothing that won't heal up on it's own in a few weeks. It will be quite tender tough." He reached for my hand and started unraveling the bandages. I made me think of all those mummy movies. Just how much gauze had been used to wrap my hand? I got my answer when he finished his last pass. "Bella, you might want to prepare yourself for this. It looks much worse than it is."

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes for a second and opened them. Part of me was glad that it was Carlisle taking care of me. At least he knew from many years what my triggers were where biology was concerned.

He gently cleared the last of the gauze away and I was left with an iodine-dyed, purple- aggravated-colored, black-thread-knotted mess on the fat part of my palm. I felt the bile rising in my throat. Jacob obviously caught this too and reached for the kidney-shaped bowl Carlisle was handing him. I tried to get past the urge to vomit, but it was nearing an impossible level.

"You've seen worse?" It was all I could manage to get out before the urge swept over me again. Jacob moved the bowl closer to my head, but I shook it off.

"Hard as that may seem. Don't forget, I raised two boys and, you know, being a doctor . . . but yes, much worse."

There was no way I could forget that he raised two boys. No matter how much I wish I could forget one in particular, it wasn't going to happen. Carlisle must have sensed something because his face softened. "Jacob, I was wondering if I could have a moment alone with Bella."

"You okay with that?" Jacob asked, his tone flat.

"Yeah, I suppose there must be some doctor-patient thing he needs to talk to me about. You know, privacy act or something."

"Kay. I'll, uh, just be on the other side of the curtain."

Carlisle waited for the curtain to stop shifting before he took my right hand in his. "Bella, how have you been? Honestly? Esme and I have been worried sick."

"I'm good. I'm fine. I've been all right." I offered every response I had trained myself to give.

"That bad, huh?" he asked gently. His eyes were softer than I remembered.

I couldn't respond. What could I say? No, I've only just now been able to think about him without being reduced to a crying, shaking heap of humanity? No. I couldn't say that to him. Father or not, no parent needs to hear about the devastation their child has caused.

"We've been thinking of you. Wondering if it would ever be ok for us to call. Alice," he exhaled sharply, "she's been a mess since she heard."

"How is she?" I honestly wanted to know. Outside of _him,_ she was the next closest person in my life. I had shut her out as quickly as I had everyone in the days immediately following. I hadn't meant for it to go on as long as it did with her, but I just couldn't bring myself to see her or talk to her. It was too painful. And now, well now it simply had to be too late to try to work things out with her. Even if it wasn't, I didn't think I could bear hearing how he was doing, that he was moving on with his life. A life he didn't want me anywhere near or a part of.

"She's doing well. She moved to Seattle a month ago. It was just becoming too hard to commute. Her client list is growing. Who knew you could make a living as a personal shopper?" he said with a half hearted chuckled.

"Alice knew. She always knows." I returned the good-natured laugh. Somehow, Alice always seemed to be one step ahead of the trends, making a nice small fortune for herself in the process. She also had a knack for knowing when a trend was on its way out and protected her, and the families, investments.

"Yes, she does seem to have that gift." He sat for a moment, having a silent debate with himself. His eyes darted between my mangled hand and my eyes before he reached the answer he sought. "He's asked about you."

And there it was. The tears that I had been fighting back for weeks finally found the small fissure of defense I thought was so firmly in place. My lip started to quiver, my breathing became ragged, and the tears silently started to slide. I was sure I was nothing but a shaking mess for several minutes before I was able to speak. "Sure, he probably wants to know if the house has sold."

Carlisle reached for a tissue and gently wiped my tear-stained face. "No, sweetheart, he asked about _you_. How _you_ were doing."

"Well, now you have something really great to tell him, don't you? Stupid Bella, sliced her hand open. Bet he'll tell you that he bought me a bagel cutter and I hated to use it and probably deserved this."

"Don't do this to yourself. He would never think that about you. While I can't understand or excuse my son's actions, I can assure you that he would never think anything terrible about you."

"Really? Well there's something new." I scoffed, not believing his words, no matter how honest they sounded.

"I've struggled to make sense of this. It doesn't make much sense to any of us."

"Bet Rosalie's happy."

"You would think that. But she isn't. Emmett had to rein her in those first few weeks. It wasn't helping the family, some of the things she was thinking. Now if she had been _my _daughter . . . "

I had to laugh through my tears. Carlisle always saw the good in people, but Rosalie was his challenge. I remembered clearly meeting her when Emmett announced they were getting married. It had been hard for Esme and Carlisle to see what it was that Emmett saw in her. When he admitted that Rose had been the one to save him from a near fatal spill while rock climbing, the family started to see her in a different light. It was still a sore spot for Carlisle, however, that she placed her vanity above much else, especially others emotions.

"Yeah, if only, huh?" I asked, thinking more to myself and the missed opportunity to become a member of the family I loved. The thought didn't slip by Carlisle. Not much did.

"You don't have to lose us too."

"If only it were that simple." I felt a fresh wave of tears cresting in my eyes.

"It can be. Of course it would be hard at first, but you know that Esme and I would love to have you back at the house, in our lives. We can make a 'No Edward' law when you come over, hmm?"

I offered a weak smile back. It was really the best I could do.

"Well, that's a start I suppose. Now then," his voice cleared and became louder, "about this hand. You'll need to take some pain medication with you. First few days will be the worst, then after that, take ibuprofen as needed for the pain. I'll need to check the stitches in a week and depending on how you're doing. We might be able to take them out in two weeks."

"O.K."

"I know your aversion to hospitals, so if you'd like to stop by the house . . . "

I had to cut him off. He was being far more kind than I was prepared for and I honestly didn't know how much more I could handle. "No, I can stomach coming in here. I'll be on the mend not needing more mending."

"Well, you just let me know. I can always stop by your house too." His smile was so warm and tender. I couldn't help the new emotion flowing through me. Loss. Great. Just when I thought I was over losing _him _and his family, Carlisle had opened the door for me to walk back through.

"Now, as far as tonight is concerned, you are going to need someone to stay with you. Once the local wears off, I can assure you, it won't feel pleasant. I can call Charlie if you like, or Esme . . . "

"No, I'm sure I'll be fine." I just wanted to get as far away from this man and his kindness as I could.

"I can assure you. You will not feel fine. For a start, the pain pills I've prescribed are very strong and you shouldn't be walking around, even to the bath room. We wouldn't want you to have a repeat visit tonight, would we?"

"I can stay with her," Jacob announced as he pushed his way past the curtain. It was obvious to me that he had heard every word of our conversation and for that, I was grateful. It was less for me to repeat later.

"Bella, is that agreeable to you?"

"Completely. I trust Jacob, always have."

"Fair enough. I'll get the release papers ready and you two should be on your way within the half hour." He stood up from the swivel chair he'd been seated in and stopped at the curtain. "You take it easy with that hand. Don't stress the stitches or you'll just be back in here sooner."

"In other words, try not to Bella for a while," I said, offering a bit more of my usual self than I had in a while. Maybe it was Jacob that brought it back out in me.

"I wouldn't say it quite that way, but I suppose the meaning is the same none the less. Take care, Bella."

"Thanks. You too, Dr. Cullen."

"Carlisle, please."

"Okay." That would take some getting use to, but it wasn't like I was planning on seeing him every week, not like I used to when I called him . . .

"It's not Dad, but . . . I guess it is the next best thing." He offered a small smile before leaving the exam room.

True to his word, Jacob and I were out of the hospital within a half hour. Medication in hand, Jacob drove me back to his house. I wasn't much in the mood for talking, spending time in the hospital, talking with Carlisle, and the fact that I could still smell the faint hint of blood on my hand left me with a killer headache.

Jacob pulled the car into the driveway, and walked around to open my door. He offered to carry me in the house, but I knew he was only doing that to get a rise out of me. Once inside, he made sure I was settled on the couch before heading to the kitchen to get a glass of water so I could take the first of my body numbing pills. I only wished it would have deadened my senses. I wondered if such a pill existed. One that could just remove all the hurt your body felt, both physical and mental and just let you live your life as if none of the pain had ever happened. If there was, I'd never be prescribed it. I was forced to live with this pain, for reasons I knew I would never understand or accept.

My hand started to throb and ache more than I would have thought, and it was becoming clear to me that local was in fact wearing off. Jacob had been busy in the kitchen cleaning since we got back. I was just about to make my first needy patient request when he came into the room carrying a glass of water and something on a plate.

"How's the hand?"

"In pain."

"I thought so. He thought it would start to wear off about now." He handed me the glass of water, placing the plate behind him.

"What's that?" I asked, motioning behind him.

"Well," he started, placing the plate next to me on the couch. "Since you didn't get a chance to eat before you blacked out, I thought you might want to finish what you started before that narcotic hit your body."

"My bagel? You brought it out to me?" I was shocked, almost grossed out that he thought to serve me the very same bagel I had been holding when I decided to carve myself instead.

"Give me some credit. It's a new one, free from any trauma. I didn't know what else to get you, and that was the last thing you were hungry for so . . . "

The full events hit me, remembering why I was fixing something fast to eat when he showed up, "Angela!"

"Already called her. Hope you don't mind, but I fished your cell phone out of your purse at the hospital. You mentioned her name when I walked in. She wants you to call her tomorrow and fill her in."

"If I can survive this pain tonight." I grimaced. It would be harder than I thought to muddle through the pain this time. It was really intense.

"You should. Dr. Cullen prescribed some pretty hard core pain pills. You're gonna need them too. Your hand looks like someone bit it."

"Nice image, Jake." I felt the uneasiness in my stomach rising.

"Hey, I'm not the klutz that can't handle a bread knife."

"I don't know what was worse, the whole hand thing or having him take care of me." I wanted to be honest; I'd always tried to be with Jacob. Even when the truth wasn't what he wanted to hear. I'd been honest.

"What can I do to help?" His question had a double meaning and I knew it. He wasn't just asking about my hand. He'd already helped enough with that. He was asking, without asking, about the elephant in the room.

I gave his question a lot of thought. There _was_ one thing I needed, I craved, but I worried that it would send the wrong message to him. I had led him on once, and I promised myself I would never do it again. No, honesty was the best policy and I knew it. I had to explain why I needed it and take the chance he wouldn't help me. "I really need to just be held. It's been too long since someone touched me, let alone held me. I don't want you to think I'm using you, but God, it would make a world of difference right now."

"That's it? That's all you need?"

"Mmm hmm." I could feel the tears starting once again and I willed them to stop.

"Bells, you know I'd do anything for you. All you ever have to do is ask." He moved from the table to sit next to me. He leaned his back against the arm of the sofa, resting one leg, knee bent, against the couch back. He left his other foot on the floor and slowly pulled me to him. I rested my back against his chest and let my head fall back onto his shoulder. Once I was settled, he wrapped one arm around my shoulder, the other around my waist. I felt more calm than I had the past six months.

"I don't want to lead you on, Jake," I fought the tears again.

"I'm not 15 anymore, Bella," he said, resting his chin on my shoulder.

"I still feel terrible about that."

"You were 17. You had your reasons."

"Look where it got me," I could feel the tears slipping down my cheeks.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"And drag you into my misery?"

"You can't drag the willing," he pressed his head against my temple, a small sigh escaped him.

And the dam crumbled.

I was sure I had cried for over an hour, based on how puffy my eyes were, not to mention how raw they felt. When I finally spoke, Jacob listened completely which was so very different for him. He was always quick to point out Edward's faults and flaws. The most he offered now was a tighter hug, resting his head back on my shoulder or against my head. I recounted the past few years when everything seemed perfect and on track, through those horrible few minutes in the forest, and tried to be honest about the past six months. I cried again and was nearing another break down when the pain in my hand became too intense to ignore.

Wincing, I felt Jacob inhale sharply. "Shit, we forgot your medicine. Doc will kill me for sure."

"Well, at least we know I won't be taking it on an empty stomach," I offered.

"Yeah, I guess that helps. Here." He reached up to the sofa table behind the couch and pulled the pill bottle down. He opened it, handed me one pill, and exchanged it for the water glass. "Now, the doc said this pill would probably hit you hard the first few times you took it, might knock you out."

"Fair enough warning."

"I guess I should get you to bed." He started to get up, but I grabbed him with my good hand before he could move too far.

"Jake, can we just stay here tonight?"

"What? On the couch?" he questioned, as if unsure of my words. Either that or he didn't want to misunderstand what he understood me asking.

"Yeah, just like this." I sounded weak and I would have hated myself for it if I didn't need him to just hold me and keep me safe for one night from all the thoughts that tormented my sleep.

"You got it Bells. Can I just get a blanket for you?"

"Yeah, there's one on the chair and one across the rocker too. You might want that one. It's bigger."

"Let's just get you covered up. I'll see what I need once we get you taken care of."

In a few seconds he crossed the room, gathered both blankets, laid one across me making sure he tucked it under my chin and around my feet. He settled back behind me, as if he had never left. He reached behind him and turned the light off. Only the soft glow of light from the kitchen filtering in was visible. I wasn't used to sleeping with so little light on. I normally left the lamp on my night table lit or the left the t.v. playing so I didn't have to sleep in the dark or silence.

I turned my body slightly so I could rest the side of my head against Jacob's chest. He lowered his arms to circle my waist and I heard him sigh. It wasn't long before the pain pill kicked in and I was more tired than I could ever remember being.

"Jake?"

"Hmm?" He sounded like he was close to falling asleep.

"Thank you."

"I told you a long time ago that I'd always be here for you. Now get some rest."

"Kay. Good night."

"Night. Love you."

"Love you." For the first time in my relationship with Jacob, I didn't worry that my words would lead him on. If it was possible to have a friend be your soul mate, I knew Jacob was mine.

For the first time in six months, I didn't dream.

Chapter End Notes:

Thanks for reading! I hope you you hang in there with this one.


	3. Gravity

Author's Chapter Notes:

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. I thank the wonderful SM for bringing such fantastic characters to light for us all to enjoy - and play with as our minds see fit. :)

I knew the weeks that followed never should have happened, but it was nice having Jacob around all the time. I shouldn't have let him stay as long as he did, but the truth was that after spending so many nights alone, I liked having someone else in the house. Again. And it wasn't like he was sleeping in my room, I made sure my father knew that. He was so hopeful that I was finally over Edward and in love with Jacob. It was annoying me to no end. Jacob, for his part, did everything he could to convince my dad that we were just friends, but I never missed the wink or cheesy smile that Charlie threw his way.

I wasn't sure when things started to change; I never saw it coming. First things started out as they always did where Jacob was concerned. He was just that, concerned. All the time. At first it was so needed, so sought after by me. I needed to feel like a person again, not a shell of a person. I had cried so many nights until the pain was too deep to think it could hurt anymore. Just when the tears would start to ease, I would think of something, catch his scent, or the sound of his voice crept back into my head and the tears would start, bringing with it a new pain. Jacob was there to comfort me when those nights hit, which was more frequent than I thought they were.

"Do you cry like this every night?" He held me in my bed, trying his best to protect me from the pain I was feeling.

"No," I said, my voice weak from the raw emotions I was feeling.

"Well, you've cried like this every night that I've been here. And that's been three weeks. Bells, you gotta get over this at some point you know."

"What if I don't want to? What if feeling like this is the only way that I can stay connected to him? What if this is the only way I know he was ever real and loved me?" I felt the tears start again and buried my cheek against Jacob's chest. His grip tightened.

"That's messed up."

"Everything about me is," I muttered.

"Did you know that you talk in your sleep?" His question was innocent enough, but it still sent me straight over the ledge again.

"Mmm-hmm," I hummed my response.

"Well, you also cry in your sleep. Did you know that?" The tone of his voice changed. "I heard you one night and knocked on your door. When you didn't answer, I was going to go back to bed when I heard you again. I stayed in your room all night, sitting on the floor, watching you."

"Great. Seems I bring that out in people." I tried to joke, it was all I could do to try to stop crying. The fact that Jacob was in my room while I slept watching the pain of my dreams was almost too much to take.

"Bells, you really need to . . . to . . . "

"To what? Forget him? Forget how perfect it was until he lost his mind and left me? Do you have any idea the pain I feel every moment of the day? I can't get any rest from it even when I sleep Jacob, it feels like something was ripped out of me, something I need to survive. There's this hole left in me that nothing can make go away! I just want to die. I want to stop this pain, but I can't. It's always there. It never goes away." I collapsed against him, not able to hold myself up any longer. I felt the fresh, harsh wave of tears erupt, almost choking me as it climbed my throat, and fell from my eyes.

Jacob's arms tightened their hold around me; his chin came down to rest on my temple. I felt the deep pull of breath he was collecting but never heard a word pass his lips. Time passed and I felt the tears start to ease once again. I took in a shuddered breath and tried to calm myself.

When Jacob finally spoke, his voice was so soft, I had no choice but to hear him, "I wish there was a way I could stop it, Bella."

I spoke before I even thought about what I was saying. There was one way that the pain stopped. "There is."

"What? There is? Then why aren't you doing it?"

"It's not something _I_ can do." I whispered, regretting I had said anything.

"What is it then? A pill? If it is, you know Dr. Cullen would get it for you. He hates knowing your going through this."

"No, Jacob. It isn't a pill." I was becoming irritated. I didn't want to spell it out.

"Then what is it?" He sounded desperate. "Whatever it is, if I can get it for you, I will. I can't see you like this any more."

I struggled against myself and better judgment. I knew there was a risk that once I told him, it could complicate things between us. But there was that thought in the back of my mind, the one that I heard often since Jacob re-entered my life, that made me think it might be ok to tell him. He was right. He wasn't 15 anymore.

"Bells? Come on, just te . . . "

"It's you."

"Me?" He pulled away from me, and shifted against the head board to get a better look at me. "I stop it?"

"Kind of. Remember that night when you brought me home from the hospital and we slept on the couch?"

"Yeah."

"No dreams."

"Bella, you were drugged. Narcotics and the aftermath of adrenaline did that, not me."

"There's only one way to know for sure, right?" I couldn't believe what I said. Did I just invite Jacob Black into my bed? I must be losing my mind. There was no way that he would ever agree to it.

I looked up at him, not really sure I wanted to see his reaction. I knew I would have to face him sooner or later, and I was sure that I wasn't even close to being done crying for the night.

"Do you think it really helped?"

"Yes. I do. And not because you're a replacement for him."

"Then . . . why?"

"Because . . . you've always kept me safe. Since I ran into you at the beach that day it's all you've tried to do. You never wanted anything more than a friendship and . . . "

"Wait a second. That isn't true, Bella. I _always_ wanted more, it's just no good ever came from trying to push it. You made it clear that you wanted him. I tried, a lot, to change that but you never wavered."

"And look where that got me," I said under my breath.

"It got you seven years with someone that you loved."

"And six months of slowly dying."

"I wasn't lying when I told you that I loved you. I shouldn't have said that, but I do. And maybe it is as friends, and maybe it isn't. I don't know. I just don't know if I can sleep with you knowing how I feel about you."

"I understand." I didn't, but I didn't want to push him. Of all the things I knew about Jacob I knew that he was very easy to lead on, even if I never intended to.

He sat quietly, staring at the ceiling for a long time, occasionally shutting his eyes before he spoke again. "I hate seeing you like this. If there is something I can do, wouldn't I be the biggest jerk for not trying it to help you?"

I sighed and felt a massive weight lifting off my body. For the first time since Edward left, I felt calm.

"I just want you to understand, if it gets weird, I can't do it." I saw a blush creep over his dark skin. Much as I hated knowing it _would _get weird for him, I needed what little I could get. I needed to sleep like I had that night on the couch, without guilt, pain, fear, and sadness.

"I can live with what you can give."

"Ok," he exhaled again, a nervous look in his eyes, "Let's get you to bed, alright?"

He got up from the bed and walked to the closet to get a blanket. I fluffed the covers over the surface of the bed, smoothing it out before he laid down. I pulled the duvet up to my chest and rested my head against the pillow. I felt Jacob lying down and spreading the blanket over his massive frame. Within a few seconds, he placed his hand on my shoulder. I closed my eyes, sighed and fell asleep.

A month after Jacob came back, our sleeping arrangements were starting to become an issue. He knew they were, but he never said a word. I knew too, but did everything possible to hide it from him. We tried to act like the friends that we once were, but the truth was even that was changing. I tried to remind myself that he was just my friend, but every now and again, I slipped. My hand would linger too long on his arm, or his thigh, his chest. And I felt like I was cheating every time.

Jacob was far from innocent on his end. He would always stay longer than needed in the morning once we both woke up. His kiss on my cheek lasted longer than it needed. He was just as guilty of leaving a hand too long on my lower back, my wrist, my thighs, my waist. He found ways to make contact with me, even when he didn't have a reason to. He would stand too close behind me when I would cook dinner, or make sure that he needed to look for something in the laundry room when he knew I was in there. And then there were the times in bed.

We usually fell asleep with just his hand touching my shoulder, my back facing his chest but with some space between us. In the past few weeks, however, I had noticed his hand slowly moving down my arm to where it finally rested for about three nights . . . on my hip. Soon enough, it made its migration down and rested either on my thigh or stomach. Then came the back to chest cuddle sleeping. I wasn't sure how I felt about it.

While I hadn't had too many nightmares in the past month, my dreams were becoming too confusing. They would start with me and Edward kissing and holding each other. I would pull back to look into his amazing green eyes and it would be Jacob looking back at me. After the first few times it happened, I had a terrible feeling of deja vu but had no idea why. When I had these dreams, I would wake up startled. I was lucky that Jacob slept more soundly than the dead. Nothing short of an air horn would wake him before he was ready to wake up. The only exception was if I was crying. Somehow Jacob was hard wired to my tears.

Several weeks after the kiss-morphing-dreams started, so did other things. Jake upped the ante. He did it in such a way, I honestly can say I didn't know he was doing it at first. Then one night, while we were cleaning up the kitchen, he stood behind me at the sink and placed his hands securely on my hips. The tips of his fingers placed a firm, but gentle pressure just an inch in front of the bone. I can't lie. For the first time in more than nine months, I realized I was turned on. It felt odd, almost like I was cheating on Edward.

The next night, he did the same thing, but stood closer to me. While our bodies never touched, his grasp did slightly intensify. After six nights of this, Jake changed things up. He brushed my hair back over my right shoulder and hovered his cheek next to my ear. He grabbed my hips again, firmly. His fingers dug in a bit more sending a jolt through my body.

"Whenever you're ready, let me know," he said, placing a small, but fevered, kiss on my neck close to my collar bone.

I stood at the sink, a moment passing before I realized he'd left the room. My head swam as I struggled to understand what he had said to me. The water was overflowing out of the glass I had been rinsing. My mind raced, wondering if he was hinting at what I thought he was. I didn't know if I was ready for that . . . with Jacob and not with Edward. The idea hurt more than I was willing to admit. Edward was gone. He wasn't coming back, so why was I feeling so guilty? I wasn't the one making the moves, I was just washing dishes.

"Bells. Are you ready yet?" Jacob bellowed from the family room. His voice sounded much more relaxed then it had moments before. He sounded . . . normal, not tempting.

I snapped out of the thoughts in my head. I turned off the water and, grabbing a towel, walked to the family room. I mustered all the courage I could find on short notice and asked the question I wasn't ready to hear the answer to. "Ready for what?"

"We were going to drive over to see my dad, remember?" His face was a wall. If there had been any other meaning to what he said in the kitchen, he didn't show it now.

"Right. Your dad. I'm ready. I just need to grab my jacket and get some shoes on. Maybe I should change my clothes too. The sink got me wet." I turned quickly and walked to the hall that lead to the stairs. I nearly tripped on the first step when I heard him speak.

"You sure it was the sink that got you wet?"

It was almost a week later before Jacob started again. I was leaning over my desk chair, quickly checking email, when he walked up behind me and leaned over to see past my shoulder.

"Is there really anything on the computer that is better than what's right in front of you in this house?"

I didn't want to admit there was a hidden meaning in his words. I couldn't. I still wasn't sure if I wanted these feelings from Jacob or any man for that matter. Besides, what if this was just Jake being Jake and giving me a hard time, busting my balls as it were. I had almost convinced myself that was the case when he shifted.

Sweet night.

Jacob pressed his body against my back, shoulders to knees. There was no mistaking how hard he was. _All_ of him.

I didn't want this. Did I? How could I even ask myself that? No, I didn't. Right?

"If you take much longer, your chance might just pass you by."

I still couldn't find my thoughts let alone my voice; I had no idea what to say to him. I knew I was still in love with Edward, that would never change. But I couldn't lie to myself. There was always something about Jacob that I could never put my finger on that made it impossible for me to stay away from him. I had felt a pull to him back when Edward and I weren't talking, but I never acted on it. I wasn't experienced and I didn't know if I wanted to gain experience with him, hoping someday Edward and I might get back together. Back then, there was no way I could explain to him that he wasn't the one who held all my firsts.

But that was six years ago. Those firsts were long gone and I was well experienced. I knew what it meant to feel what I felt pressing against me.

I pressed my hands against the arms of the chair to push myself back. As I did, I gave a quarter rotation to look at Jacob.

I expected to see a look that told me what he was really saying to I got was an arched eyebrow and a slight tilt of his head before he removed himself from me. I heard the front door close and the engine of his VW rev.

I didn't know what to do. I stood in the study looking out the large picture window to the backyard as if the answer was out there and my eyes were just too weak to see it. I couldn't make sense of it, or rather, I didn't want to.

Nothing made any sense anymore. Nothing.

I turned off as many lights as were necessary before heading off to bed. I left on just enough lights so Jacob wouldn't bang into anything when he got back. There would be no banging in this house, furniture or otherwise.

I woke up close to 1:00 a.m. and Jacob wasn't next to me. I checked the floor and didn't see him. It wasn't all that unusual for him to spend the night with his dad or one of his friends from La Push, but he usually told me when he was going to.

I made my way down the stairs, none of the lights I'd turned on had been changed. I turned the corner into the family room and saw him on the couch, a bottle of beer rested on the arm. I stood in the entry to the room, silent. I didn't know what to do.

"Either come in so we can talk or go back to bed," he said, his tone just as normal as ever.

I sat down next to him and he handed me a beer. I wasn't sure if I wanted it but if this conversation was going to go where I thought it was, it couldn't hurt.

"I'm sorry. For earlier." He paused, looking over at me, before he started again. His eyes were soft and met mine. His head started the conversation before his words did. Gently rocking it to the left and then back to center, he continued. "Well, I am and I'm not."

"Ok." Big beer chug. Yeah, that slightly burned going down.

"My dad said I should move back home. He thinks me being here isn't helping either of us."

"Oh," I offered softly.

"Here's how I see it. I can be that guy, the one that's there when the shit hits the fan, when you need a safe place to vent, whatever. I've been doing it for a few months now. But here's the thing. Can't I still be that guy and something else too?"

I had nothing. I didn't know what to say. I always feared it would come to this, but I'd been so hopeful when it did, I would know what to say to him.

"I know it hasn't been that long for you, but . . . shit . . . it's been six years for me."

"Jake . . . " It was all I had to say. All I could say.

"I'm not asking for anything more than to try and see where it goes. He's not coming back and I'm here. I love you and always have. I understand you're hurt. Can't you let me try to fix you?"

There was always something to the tender side of Jacob that I responded to. It wasn't like he was a hard ass on any normal day, just that he was frank most of the time. In the rare moments I'd seen him like this, how he was in this moment, I never misunderstood my attraction to him.

"I can't promise you anything, Jake. And that scares me. I don't want to hurt you the way I was hurt."

"You can't hurt someone if they know going into it that it might not work. All I'm asking for a chance."

"A chance to have your heart broken?" The cynic in me came out.

"I'll risk that."

"Why?" Why would he risk that kind of pain?

"I'd rather have the memory of you breaking my heart than never have the memory at all." His eyes, dark brown and captivating, locked on to mine and drew me in. "Just one chance. Please?"

I looked at him, fear rising up in me. I knew what my mind was telling me was right. Just jump off the cliff and enjoy the feeling. But my heart said different. It told me to run from the cliff's edge and retreat back into the protected state it had grown used to where it never had to risk feeling anything ever again.

"You're my best friend, Bella. You've held a piece of my heart since I was 15. Wouldn't you like to see what it's like to have all of it?"

I felt a strong thud in my chest and gut. Something I feared long gone started to come back to life deep within me. I tried to fight the feeling but it was too strong, it demanded to be heard.

Jacob took the bottle from my hand and placed both his and my bottle on the table behind the couch. He placed his hand on my cheek and gently caressed my cheek and jaw with his thumb and fingers. I closed my eyes, willing my heart to calm down. While he had touched me plenty in the past few months, this was different. This brought me back from wherever I'd hidden myself.

I felt the gentle pressure of his lips barely touching mine. Once. Twice. The kisses that followed were never more than his lips barely separating and repeating the sensation. I was losing myself to him when he pulled back.

"Think about that and then let me know in the morning. I'll be right here, on the couch."

Chapter End Notes:

Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think. I know it seems this isn't going to be Edward and Bella, but trust me. It is. :) And Jake- well I've taken strong liberties with Jacob in this fiction. You'll see why in a few chapters. Hold on, cause it's coming! ;)


	4. Uninvited

Author's Chapter Notes:

Thank you to everyone that is reading this one! I can't begin to express how happy I am that you are giving this story a try.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the characters SM created. I just like the idea of letting them run wild with my imagination.

I wish I could say that retreated back to my self imposed emotional prison, but I didn't. I did think about it that night and knew he was right. Edward was never coming back. In all the time that he was gone, he'd never reached out to me. Not once. If it weren't for cutting my hand, I wouldn't have even seen his family. He was a part of my past and was never coming back. It hurt to finally admit that to myself, but I had to. If I wanted any chance at a normal life, I had to admit it.

I'd run into Alice a few weeks after things with Jacob started. By started, I mean, after we started _things_. She looked great. She found a way to tell me that she hadn't heard from him, without coming right out and saying it. She had also met someone in Seattle that she was very sure was _the one. _While that was hard to hear, I knew I couldn't run from it. I was as happy for her as my slowly dying jealous self would allow. She asked how I was, and I lied. I didn't mention Jacob. I told her the standard line. School was good and so was I. She gave me her number's and email and made me promise to call her soon. She had something to ask me when the time was right, whatever that meant.

Things with Jacob were on the slow path. I couldn't just jump right in. I knew if I was going to give things with him a fair chance, I needed to pace things slowly and let it all sink in. There was plenty of kissing that after a few weeks moved from base to heavy petting. I had to admit, he was good. I don't know why I never thought he would be. He had a way of bringing me to the edge with just a few words, groping, and stroking and kissing my back. As things go, it wasn't long before we took it to the next step.

It was almost five months since he'd walked back into my life. I wasn't sure where things would end up, but I knew where I was wasn't such a bad place to be. I had been to the darkest place almost a year before and I was in no hurry to go back.

We decided to go to First Beach for a bon fire with some of his friends one night. I really didn't want to go since I knew some of his friends still questioned our relationship. More accurately, they questioned me. I suppose it was only fair, but it didn't mean I had to like it.

We sat around the fire, on a large piece of driftwood and watched the fire trying to reach higher. Jacob wrapped his arm around me and I settled into his chest. It felt safe and I admitted to myself that I liked it.

I brushed my hand along the inside of his thigh, stopping just short of being publicly obscene. I dipped my hand lower toward the underside of his thigh and squeezed. His eyes flashed a look of shock at me. He'd always been the aggressor, not me, so this was new to him. His eye brow raised, asking me silently what I was doing. I raised my hand higher on his thigh and extended my thumb so it lightly caressed his member.

There was no mistaking the look he gave me. It was the look I always saw just before we called our petting done for the night. I nodded to him to confirm what I could only hope he was silently asking. He quickly stood up, pulling me with him. I laughed quietly as I listened to him make a hasty good night to his friends.

The drive back to my house was tense, but in a very good way. Jacob's hand tangled in my hair and massaged my neck, occasionally bringing his thumb down to brush across my spine. I made familiar tracks up and down his thigh, raking my nails against his jeans. Every so often, I would repeat the motion I'd made on the beach. Each time I did, I saw Jacob's jaw drop slightly, sucking in a quick breath.

"Bells, I gotta know. Is all this going to leave me frustrated?"

"Not if I can help it."

"Are you serious? I mean, are you sure?"

"Jake, you've been patient way too long." I heard a low, snarling sound coming from him which only further turned me on.

As soon as the front door was closed and locked, Jacob stripped my coat off and flung it toward the front door. I was worried this would hit some animalistic level, and that was the last thing I wanted. I pushed my hands against his chest, catching his attention.

"Jake. I need this to go slow. It's all that I'll ask you tonight."

Jacob looked deep into my eyes. His hands raised and gently cupped my face. He stilled his breathing as best he could. I could tell from the look in his eyes that he would do his best but that he couldn't just turn off what he was feeling that fast either.

He kissed my lips before setting off on a trail down my neck and back up. He pulled back again and I could see some of the lust gone from his face. It had merged into trying his best to behave. When I saw how hard it was for him to fight what was feeling all too natural to both of us, I gave in.

My lips brushed over Jacob's, never really lingering for too long. His hands tangled in my hair and firmly stroked my back. I couldn't believe what I was feeling. It was almost unnatural. His lips met mine and he moved them over my upper and lower lip, still not kissing me. I growled in frustration and felt him smile at my reaction. He lowered his lips to my jaw and down to my collar bone. I grabbed a fist full of his hair and yanked him back to my lips when the phone rang.

"Crap," I muttered.

"It's my dad. He wants me to come home tonight." His breath touched my skin as he spoke between kisses, further pushing me over the edge.

"Why?" I questioned, closing my eyes and focusing on just what Jacob was doing to my neck, panting in the process.

"He doesn't think it's right to be living over here all this time . . . in another man's house. He's worried something inappropriate might happen," he said, his husky laughter vibrated against my skin.

"Why don't I just tell him how very much you _are_ needed here and let him in on exactly what _is_ going on here tonight." I was flooded with passion and felt as if I would burst any second.

"Fine with me," he said, brushing his lips against mine once again. I reached for the phone, Jacob never moved, his lips hovered over mine.

"Hello," I said, holding back a moan brought on by the feather kisses Jacob was placing over my lips.

"Bella?"

I froze.

_Edward._

_No! He can't be on the phone, not now, not tonight_.

"Bella? Are you there? Are you alright?" His voice was strained, and I could only imagine why.

"No, I'm here." My heart was slamming against my chest. I froze in Jacob's arms. He didn't let go of me, but he did pull back trying to get a better look at my face.

"You sound, I don't know, out of breath or something." His voice changed. It was less strained and more concerned.

_You could say that._ I realized just how breathless Jacob had left me. Jacob. Shit! I moved my hand from his shoulder, sliding it down to his chest. I patted his chest before lightly shoving against him. He broke his hold from me, reluctance showing in his eyes. I smiled weakly at him and held my hand up, silently asking for a moment without him. I walked up the stairs and closed my bedroom door.

"Bella? Hello?" I'm sure it must have seemed like I hung up, it had been a while since I last responded to him.

"Yeah, no. I'm here." I sat on the edge of the bed and felt my knees shaking along with the rest of my body. My heart was caught in a fevered dance, my heart torn by sadness, aching, and longing mixed with anger.

"How are you?" His voice was cautious. He must have known how close he was to the powder keg asking this question.

"How do you think I am?" I spat out. Honestly, how did he _think_ I was? It was the first time I had talked to him since I walked away from him. Eleven long months ago.

"About the same as I am." His voice was quiet. I hated when he did this. He was admitting the truth that neither of us wanted to hear nor ready for.

"I seriously doubt that." I was close to losing it, but I knew if I did, Jacob would hear me and come rushing up the stairs ending what I was sure was a bad dream anyway.

"It's the truth."

"I know it is." I was referring to his tone, not that I wanted to believe his words.

"If you know it is, why are you nearly yelling at me?"

"Because you can't possibly feel the same as I do!" That was it. My voice hit the hardened edge that my heart had been feeling since he left. I was slightly worried it was just loud enough for Jacob to hear.

"Can we talk about this?" I knew what he was doing. He was staring intently at the floor.

"Is there anything to talk about? It's almost been a year, Edward." I made sure to say his name as harshly as I could manage. It wasn't too hard. It was either that or start crying.

"I know."

"Right."

"Bella . . . " his voice drifted off, I couldn't tell what he was thinking and it scared me. I wanted everything back the moment I heard his voice. But things had changed, so much so I wasn't sure of anything anymore.

"Why? Why now?" I couldn't help the squeak in my voice. I was too close to crying now. The anger mixed with hearing him and hoping this was the phone call I had waited close to twelve months to get.

"I'll be in town next week. Can I see you?" His voice was soft, pleading almost.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea." Tears were quietly gliding down my cheeks.

"There's someone else, isn' there?" He sounded surprised. And . . . hurt?

"That's not the point." _Oh crap! How do I explain this? To either of them?_

"There is. I understand. I'm sorry I called. I won't bother you again." His voice was so quiet. I nearly missed hearing him.

"Edward. Listen. I'm not sure, ok. I don't know what seeing you would do." The back of my hand was wiping the tears away. I waited for him to say something, nervously biting my lip.

"I'm sorry, Bella."

"For what part?" I was pulling my eyebrows so tightly together, it was aching.

"For everything." I could hear the hurt in his voice. It echoed mine.

"Bells? You alright in there?" Jacob asked through the door after knocking a few times.

_Damn it, Jake. Not now!_

"Who was that?" Edward asked, his tone quickly shifting back into the protector mode I was all too familiar with.

"No one." I tried to sound as if it was nothing to worry about, to throw him of the scent. I should have known better.

"You _do_ have someone over there. Who is it, Bella?" His voice was hard.

"It's no one. Just . . . Jacob."

"Jacob?" he hissed.

"Yes. Like I said, no one," I argued.

"I get in on Tuesday and we _will_ talk." There was a hint of a growl in his voice before the line went dead.

_Shit!_

"Bells?"

"Yeah, I'll be right out." I turned off the phone and walked over to the mirror. I looked like hell. Who was I kidding, hell probably looked better than I did. I knew I couldn't hide this from Jacob. I did my best to wipe the streaked make-up from my face and blew my nose. I gave a final disapproving glance at my wrecked self before opening the door.

"Holy crap, you look awful," Jacob said before taking me in his arms. I tried to relax but I only became more rigid. "Bells? You alright?"

"I'm fine." I went back to my post-Edward mantra. Great. I thought those days were behind me.

"You don't look fine." He raised his hand to my face and gently stroked my cheek. I came close to crying again.

"How much did you hear?" I know it would eventually come up. Things like this always did. If I brought it up, maybe I would be able to have control.

"Enough to know it was Edward," he answered after a long pause. He didn't loosen his hold on me. Instead, he started to rub his thumb back and forth across my lower back. He pulled me in tight and tangled his other hand in my hair.

I rested my head against his chest and tried my best to relax. I knew that I was using him, but I didn't care.

"Come on, let's go to bed." He held me tight as he walked me back into the bedroom.

We laid down on the bed and he pulled up the blanket resting at the foot to cover us. He pulled me over to rest my head on his chest and I sank into him. I couldn't escape my conversation with Edward no matter how hard I tried to block it. I decided to listen to the steady breathing and heart beat Jacob offered. I was nearly asleep when I heard him say something, but I wasn't sure if he was saying it to himself or to me.

"Stupid. Why are you still here? It's always been him. You never stood a chance."

Chapter End Notes:

I know this chapter was somewhat short, but there is a reason for my madness. At least that is what I keep telling myself. *laughs quietly*

While in the end, this will be an Edward and Bella fic, I want everyone to know how hard it was to not let Jake and Bella be together. My version of Jake, I think, is very different then most out there and I hope you all will agree in the end. I think you will like him tons more by the end of this fic. Or I hope you could.

Thanks for reading. If you feel like leaving a review, it will brighten my day. I promise to respond as soon as RL allows.


	5. In Pieces

_Author's Chapter Notes:_

_Well, here is a new chapter. Sorry it took so long to post this one. I admit, there was some writers block on this fiction, and I needed time to make sure of the overall story before posting more chapters. But, thanks to the Story Dom guidance of the shrew, I am over the block._

_As always, I thank you all for reading this story! _

I couldn't sleep much after I heard Jake. A part of it was the fear of him hearing what my sub-conscience would dream about. The larger part was guilt. I knew it would come to this, eventually, but I never thought it would happen how it did. I guess I never really thought beyond having him back in my life.

I glanced at the clock, the red display glaring at me almost in judgment. I couldn't stay in bed and pretend to sleep anymore. I knew my constant movement was disrupting Jacob. Even though he looked like he was sound asleep, the lack of snoring told me he wasn't sleeping as deep as he normally did.

I gently eased out of bed, threw the lap blanket around my shoulders and quietly slipped out of the room. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but I knew I couldn't lie in bed with him. I walked to the small study at the back of the house and knelt in front of the chest under the large window looking out of the backyard. My hands shook as I reached for the large drawer on the bottom and slowly pulled it open. I was about to reach inside when I thought about Jake once more. I closed the study door and locked it. I'd rather he be upset that the door was locked than have him walk in while I was deep in thoughts that didn't involve him.

I sat in front of the chest and slowly pulled the box out. As I opened the box, I could feel the tightness in my chest rise up and it nearly stop me. I choked back the tears and removed the lid. Staring back at me were seven years of memories; small items, and a few favorite pictures of my life with Edward. When Jacob had moved in, he helped me collect the items from the house. I hadn't wanted to remove them, but leaving them out was a constant reminders of what I had lost. It was my idea. After seeing Carlisle in the hospital, I knew I couldn't continue to live with all the reminders. Jacob followed me with a laundry basket and collected the things I pointed to; he took great care, laying them carefully in a box and gently placed them in the bottom drawer. A drawer that had been Edwards. It seemed fitting at the time. Storing all the visible memories of my life with him in the empty drawer he'd left when he moved out.

I picked up a concert ticket and smiled grimly. I hadn't wanted to go but did for Edward. I had to admit; I hadn't minded and even downloaded the artist to my mp3 player the next day while he was work. He'd known I had. I didn't put the cd back in the right order; a dead give away to him.

I sifted through the box, noticing the small things that had made up moments in my life that I still clung to with a pained heart. A rock from the beach, a dried leaf from the meadow, several pictures including one taken when Emmett married Rose, the cd he'd given me for my birthday when I turned 18, a false pregnancy test, and a bottle cap.

The last two items made me stop cold. A shiver passed over me and I tried to blink back the tears that flooded my eyes. I reached out to touch the test, hesitating. It was such a real part of who we were and what we would never be.

It was almost two year ago. Shit, had a year already passed? We were talking about redoing the walkway with a new, smaller, river rock when the wave of nausea hit me, followed by several more. When it didn't pass three days later, and it was joined by an aversion to most smells, Edward started counting back days. I had to admit, at the time, I was too scared to remember the dates he needed. I thought it was too soon, we weren't married, and I wasn't done with school. All excuses. The truth was, I wasn't ready, but I could tell he was more than thrilled with the thought I might be expecting.

When we finally got the date right and started counting back, we realized I was two weeks late. Edward had rushed out and brought back the test. After his urging to drink more water than was necessary, I took the test. He paced, I felt sick. The look of disappointment that spread over him when it showed a negative result haunted me for weeks after. He asked me to take the test three more times, each showed the same negative result. He took me to the hospital and asked Carlisle to do a blood test. He really could be stubborn. I wasn't pregnant, I had a sinus infection. It was a relief for me, something entirely different for him. He moped for a few weeks after before we finally talked about it.

He asked how I felt, I told him. He said he saw things different. He was rather looking forward to being a father. I explained to him that I couldn't see it that way given my parents wrecked relationship. He asked me if I thought we were headed in the same direction as my parents. I told him I didn't, but there were no guarantees. Ha! Little did I know then. He assured me that he wouldn't leave me, that he loved me, and that was forever. I was dumb enough to believe him.

I threw the test back in the box, expelling my disgust with it. I looked at the bottle cap and felt the slow boil of broken hearted rage building. The first time I'd talked to him in high school, really talked to him, he'd taken the bottle cap from my drink. He told me when he got home from school that day, he started to compose my lullaby. The bottle cap, to him, represented the promise of what we could be and the immense love he felt for me. He said it was that day he knew he was in love with me.

"Yeah? Well you can have this piece of shit back," I spat angrily throwing the cap back in the box. I put the lid back on and closed the drawer.

I had thought looking at this would help. Yeah right.

Three days. Three days and I would be talking to him again. Three days to figure out ...well...everything. Him. Jake. Me. All of it.

_Chapter End Notes:_

_I'm not sure how soon I will update; I'm in a show that starts rehearsals on Monday. But I have a few chapters 'in the can', so..._

_Reviews are like Edward: they induce being dazzled!_


	6. ReOffender

_Author's Chapter Notes:_

_Thanks for hanging in there with me with is you for reading this one and leaving the reviews you have._

_Disclaimer: Not mine, I own none of it. Not harm intended in the use of these characters._

Chapter Nine

Jacob left the night before Edward came back. He said he just couldn't stay in the house knowing that most every thought in my head would be about Edward. I tried my best to reassure him that I was with him now and that wouldn't change. He didn't agree.

"Bells, listen. I'm not leaving you. I'm just going to spend the next few nights at my dad's. He's not doing too well, and I think you might need the time alone, that's all."

"Thanks for making the decision for me, Jake. Don't you think I would like to have a say in this? Frankly I'm tired of the men in my life making decisions that involve me without me."

"That's only because you're too stubborn to give in."He took me into his arms and held me tight. He pressed his cheek to the top of my head and I could feel him smile. "I'm not leaving you, just your house. And just for a few nights. I'll be back on Thursday."

"Sure."

He sighed and held me a bit tighter. "It's not like you can't call me or talk to me, right? This town isn't that big. If you need me, I'm just a few minutes away. Okay?"

"Fine. Do you have to leave tonight?" I turned my head so I could look at his eyes. I knew what his answer would be.

The day dragged out. I couldn't focus on any of my work, school or professional. I tried, but I just couldn't focus for more than a few minutes at a time. I tried to think of something to do outside but, as it was Forks, it was raining. I quickly realized there is only so much daytime television you could watch before you stopped caring who the daddy was and started to think more about how they could sleep with their boyfriend's brother. I flipped furiously through the channels, desperate for something to draw me in and shut my mind off. After my fifth rotation, I decided that I would watch a court trial. At least someone else's problems would be greater than mine. After an hour I realized I just couldn't watch anymore. The prosecution was going over the murder, and really, there is only so much evidence you can take hearing about, and I was never good with seeing my own blood, so listening about spatter patterns wasn't helping my overall mood.

I managed to force lunch down, but barely. My stomach was in knots, and I was starting to feel slightly light-headed. Great. I was hyperventilating before Edward ever called. My day was shot, so I decided to lie down for a bit before showering. I tried to pay no more attention to my appearance than I would any other day. Not that I was planning on seeing him, but if I didn't at least try to appear normal, I was sure it would show in my voice. Alice had once said you appearance shows in your voice. I was never overly concerned about how I looked, but once Alice got a hold of me, she managed to influence my base look and it stuck all these years later.

I felt a stab of loss when I thought of Alice. Losing her was almost as bad as losing Edward. I'd only managed to get by without her those first months after Edward left because she was in Seattle so frequently to start with. I argued with myself before finally giving in. Once all this was behind me with Edward, I was going to put on the grown-up pants and call her.

Just before six, the phone rang and I became filled with panic. I took a deep breath and pressed the talk button.

"Hello." I tried to hide the tension in my voice but doubted it was working.

"Hey, Bella. Billy said Jacob's back in La Push. You two didn't have a falling out did you?" Charlie sounded crushed.

"No Dad." A wave of relief crashed over me.

"Well that's a relief. Anything I should know about? I mean, that you might want to talk about?" His tone told me he was just being fatherly and would rather not talk about it.

"No, he just wanted to spend a few nights at home since Billy's not been doing too well lately."

"What? When did this happen? I was over there yesterday and he was fine."

_Mental note: Kill Jacob._

"Maybe I misunderstood. Jake said he wasn't doing too great and wanted to be at home with him. He's really fine?"

"Sure he is. I'd get to the bottom of this Bella. Jacob wouldn't just leave you without having a good reason."

"I know, Dad. I'll call him later." I wanted to be furious with Jake for lying, but he did say he thought I needed time alone. Okay, so maybe a half-lie.

I heard a sharp intake of breath through the phone. "He's a good kid, Bella. You never really did give him the chance you should've back in high school. You were too focused on that Cullen boy. Too much for my liking..."

"I get it Dad," I curtly added.

"Well, it would be a terrible thing for you to chase him off-" He stopped quickly, like he knew he had gone too far.

"You think I chased Edward off?" I was shocked. Not once in the past months had he ever offered his thoughts on the break up. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"Now, Isabella . . . I never said. . ."

"No, I think I know what you're saying," I started to defend myself when I heard a knock at the door.

"Now hear me out-" His tone turned firm and fatherly. I reached the door and started to open in.

"No I heard you just fine. I got to go Dad, there's someone at the door." I pressed the off button and threw the door open. I felt my breath sucked out and dropped the phone.

"Hello Bella." Edward smiled nervously as he reached down to pick up the phone off the welcome mat.

"Hi," I said, a shock crashing over me. He handed me the phone and our fingers brushed ever so slightly. I felt a shock of electricity overcome my finger tips when we touched. _Shit. Not good_.

"Is now a bad time?" His eyes unyielding and focused on mine; his mouth drawn tight.

"No. Just . . . it was Charlie." I tried to shake the feeling that was coursing through me. It was as if my mind and body couldn't agree on what to think or feel. I was overcome with anger, loss, love, desire, frustration, fear, and longing.

"May I?" He asked as he motioned to the inside of the house with his head. I stepped aside and let him pass me. The scent he gave off nearly made me weak. For seven years, I tried to describe the smell of him; it was a mix of citrus, wood, and spice - and that never fully described it. I closed my eyes and begged the tears to not come. I needed to stay strong. The tension built in my throat, choking my words.

"I thought you might call first." It was rude, but it was all I could get out.

"I thought about it. But ... I thought this might be better ... for both of us." He spoke with caution in his voice, but I knew him well enough to know he was masking his real feelings. His voice had a slight gravely edge to it; a sure sign he was stressed.

I pulled my brow and mouth tight, doing my best to appear ticked. I was really trying to stop the tears. "Really? How is that?"

"Well, it's our house, isn't it?" His eyes changed; they were softer and held something I couldn't make out.

I took a solid and deep breath. "It was. Carlisle signed it over to me five months ago. He didn't want me to end up homeless so he gave me the house." _Consolation prize for losing you_, I thought. I wished I had the guts to say it to him directly.

"Sounds like him," Edward laughed almost nervously.

"Yeah, well, at least _he_ was worried about me." I knew it wasn't a fair thing to say just minutes after he walked in, but I couldn't help it. I'd had enough of wanting to be fair. If he was going to show up, unannounced, leaving me no time to prepare for seeing him again and what that might do it me, he was going to get everything he missed when he left.

"He wasn't the only one," Edward added, taking a seat on the couch.

"Yeah, I heard Alice was too." The venom in my thoughts was about to burst through to my words.

"And me," he quietly added.

"Really? Wouldn't know it by me." I followed him and walked past the couch, and stood across from him next to the overstuffed leather reading chair.

"I had my reasons." His gaze fell to the floor, his eyes squinting. It was a look I knew well. He was uncomfortable. Good.

"Well good for you. I hope your reasons kept you warm at night."

"Can we please do this without the fighting?" He didn't shift his gaze from the floor; his tone remained quiet and soft.

"Oh, you want to skip the painful part you've avoided for eleven months? Sure, let me just act like nothing happened just so you feel more comfortable."

"Damn it, Bella." His voice was strained and I knew he was fighting back his real emotions.

I started to feel my anger shift to a level I was helpless to stop. "What? You want me to just understand? There can't possibly be a reason for what you did."

"There is. And . . . it's taken me a long time to realize the reason was . . . wrong. That I was wrong."

"What?" I asked, shocked. Was he serious?

"That's why I came home. I wanted to talk to you, to try to explain, to. . ." For as guarded as he was, I could tell he was in pain. _Good. Soak it up, buddy. Let it eat away at you and slowly destroy you like it did me._

"Edward, don't. Don't do this to me. Not now." I threw my head back and closed my eyes.

"No, we need to talk," he said, sniffing and clearing his throat.

"About what?" My voice broke and a mix of rage and sorrow flooded my words. "How you broke my heart? How you walked away from me? Or how you could throw us away so quickly? How about the past year? Where were you and why did you never, not once, try to call me? What about promising me you'd never leave me? That I was your life? That you would never break my heart?" My voice broke on my last question.

"Bella, please. Let me explain." His eyes darted to mine, and he fought against the pain he could see in my eyes.

"No, you've had eleven months to explain. I've been living a half life since you did this to me. I've tried, Edward, believe me I have, to get on with my life. I can't do _this_."

"It's Jacob, isn't it?" His face went cold with his question. His beautiful lips were pulled tight against his teeth and his topaz eyes darkened.

"No, it isn't. It's all of it. It's you, it's me, it's what we lost and can never get back. You killed us or any hope of us when you decided to leave. I can't shift gears that fast." The tears that I fought so hard to hold in seeped slowly out.

"Please." His tone was more than pleading, it was almost desperate.

"I. . ." my voice trailed off. I didn't know what to say to him.

"Did you sleep with him?" He asked. His face morphed into the painful look I'd ever seen.

"That's none of your business." I couldn't believe I had the strength to say it, let alone mislead him. I'd always been honest with him, no matter how hard it was. What I said was mean, and I knew it. I immediately justified it as payback. Let him live with it and see how he felt. It wouldn't be half of what I had.

He never opened his mouth, never tried to communicate with me. He just stared at the floor for several minutes. He closed his eyes tightly and I heard him draw a ragged breath. I was torn between holding him and never letting go, and letting him question and doubt everything just as I had. I didn't know what he had been through over the past year, but I was sure, in this moment, I wanted to see him go through a taste of what I had.

He finally looked up, his eyes wet and edged in tears that refused to fall. He stood up and walked to the door. I watched him, not sure what I should do. He reached for the door and stopped.

"I won't give up. Not until you hear me out." He watched for my reaction before he continued. "I won't lose you a second time, Bella. I made a huge mistake ... and I still love you."

"Edward," I started, shaking my head. I had wanted to hear those words for so long, needing to believe that he never stopped loving me. I'd cried myself to sleep wondering if he could at least feel a fraction of the love he once did for me. Hearing him say the words, in our home, with tears in his eyes was too much. It was overkill to every foolish wish and dream I'd had since he left. I felt my chest ache from the conflict of wanting to tell him I loved him in return, and anger that he'd waited so damned long to tell me, to talk to me.

"He could never love you like I do." His eyes focused on mine and locked on, never shifting or blinking.

"But he'd never leave me," I said, my voice tight. Fair or not, it was the truth. I could feel the ache grow and the tears build.

"Where is he now, then?" he asked. He didn't wait for an answer before walking through the door and closing it quietly behind him.

_Chapter End Notes:_

_Thanks for reading this one. It __will__ get better, I promise. My ficwife wouldn't be proofing this if it wasn't going to get better._

_Reviews are like Edward - there when you need him and makes you wonder how you functioned before they came along. ;)_


	7. Everybody's Changing

_Author's Chapter Notes:_

_Thanks for reading this one._

_Disclaimer: I do no own anything Twilight. SM has that honor._

BPOV

I didn't know what to do. Edward walking back into my life just when I was finally ready to move on was something I hadn't planned. Jake didn't help things by being so damn agreeable to giving me time and space. It was almost as if he wanted things to work out between Edward and me. Frankly, that confused me. I didn't see how he could shift that fast. Hadn't we been so close to finally making something happen just a few days before? Then Edward decided to just up and fly back to Forks to try to make reparations?

There was a huge part of me that wanted to hold him when he was at the house, nearly in tears. But a very large part of me wanted Jake there, holding my hand and helping me get through it all. This whole thing had the chance of getting out of hand quickly if I didn't do something to stop it. I wanted it over and done so I could just move on with my life.

Jake didn't come back to the house for two more days. He called several times, but never came over. I told him I didn't care what Edward thought, but he said it was better he didn't. No other reason given and that ticked me off. Did he think I would just give in, forgive Edward, and throw away what he and I had? If I did, I would be no better than Edward; let someone in only to slam the door shut? I couldn't do that, not to Jake.

When Jake did come back over, it was mid-afternoon and he brought lunch from the diner my dad loved so much. Thankfully, Jake paid attention to what I _did_ eat there and got just the right thing. We ate lunch, almost in complete silence, but it was comfortable. It wasn't awkward or strange. It was nice, familiar, and safe.

We were cleaning up when Jake started talking again. "You know, Bells, it wouldn't hurt to hear what his reason was. It might make things easier."

"Easier? Easier for who? Him? I don't _want_ things to be easier for him. Ever," I nearly spat out.

"Bells, I know you were hurt, but it's been nearly a year. Throw the guy a bone," his voice was pleading, as if he knew doing this would help Edward out.

"Throw him a bone? When did you become his best friend?"

"I _did_ have lunch with him the other day-" he started before I cut him off.

"You did what? You had lunch with him? What the hell were you thinking?" I screamed and threw the dish so hard in the sink it broke.

"Careful, Bells. You don't want to be back to see Dr. Cullen again, do you?" Jake tried to calm me down, but that just wasn't going to happen.

"I could give a shit. What were you thinking? How could you? You went behind my back and had lunch with Edward?" When I said his name, it cost me. I felt the tears brimming and my throat and eyes started to sting.

"I didn't go out of my way to do it. We both were at the same place at the same time. We agreed to eat together, sort of catching up."

"He was fishing, Jake. Damn it, what did you tell him?" I asked, my body starting to shake.

"I told him only what he asked about," Jake said, his eyes shifting around the room, but never looking at me.

"Which was me," I spat back. I was shaking so hard, I felt as if I might collapse from it.

Jake was silent for a moment, taking a deep breath before finally looking me square in the eyes. "Which was you."

"I can't believe you! I thought you cared about me!"

"I do!"

"No you don't! If you did, you never would have sat with him, let alone talked to him about me. Is nothing that happened between us private to you?"

"It is. I never told him how far things with us went."

"Went? What? Are we over now?" I felt a new tremor overtake me, much as the one in the meadow had.

"I just think it might be best until he leaves- " he started, but I cut him off.

"Get out. GET THE HELL OUT, JAKE!" I threw the dishtowel at him and slammed my palm against his chest repeatedly until he started to move to the door.

"I love you, Bells." His voice was low, guarded almost. "I always have."

"No. You don't love me. You couldn't. If you did, you would be defending _me _and protecting _me_, not walking away. Especially while _he's _in town."

"I just don't want to confuse things for you, which was all I meant."

"Well let me help you. We're done. Finished. It's over. If you can't stay with me and bewith me when he's here, then you can't ever _be_ with me." I allowed my tears to finally fall and my voice hiccupped with the pain I felt at the words I was about to speak. "I hate you, Jacob. I thought I loved you, that I was ready to move on and make a life with you, my best friend, but you just betrayed me more than he _ever _did. Get out."

"Bella . . ."

"Out!" I said, stamping my foot down, and pointed to the front of the house.

"I'm coming back tomorrow. You don't mean any of this." He was standing at the front door, almost waiting for me to stop him. Not this time, there was no chance.

"Good-bye, Jake." I turned my back to him and waited until I heard the door shut and the lock slide.

_Damn it, _I thought,_ I need to get that key back at some point. I'll let Charlie do it. He'll love that._

I finally made my way to the kitchen and sat down at the table, looking out the back picture window. The late afternoon shadows were increasing, but in trade, the soft orange and pink tones were casting subdued light in the yard. My eyes blurred with the tears that I cried, not only over Jacob and his actions, but over the confusion that Edward's return had caused. I wasn't sure how long I had sat, crying and hiccupping as the pain and confusion slowly subsided -as much as it possibly could. A glance at the clock made me realized I had been staring out the window for what must have been nearly half an hour, trying not to think, and letting my tears fall.

My cell phone rang and I ignored it. No doubt, it was Charlie calling - ready to give me the third degree over chasing Jake off. I wasn't in the mood. Jake did plenty of damage on his own; he could dig himself out of that grave with my father on his own.

Then my cell phone rang again.

I closed my eyes, not wanting to believe that Charlie could be so persistent, and willed the phone to stop. I knew if I didn't talk to him soon, Charlie would keep calling until I did. I decided to just answer the phone and get it over with. I was stunned to see Alice's name on the screen.

"Hello?"I asked cautiously as I sniffed back the last of my tears.

"Bella? Sweetheart? Oh my God! I'm so glad you answered the phone! I didn't know if you would," Alice's word flew out in a fast, probably afraid I'd hang up and wanting to get them out before I did.

"Hey Alice," I said, fighting the tears that were blinding my eyes and choking my throat.

"I - You – aw, heck. How are you?" she asked, her tone full of caring. It was all it took.

The dam burst and I couldn't stop.

"Oh, Alice! I don't get it, any of it. And now nearly a year later, he shows up and thinks he can just walk back in?"

"I don't know. I really don't. Believe me, if I did, I would be explaining it all to you."

"So much for your visions," I said in a lame attempt at a joke.

"Right? What about Jacob?" she asked tentatively.

"What about Jacob?" I asked, wiping the tears with the back of my hand.

"Where is he? How did he take all of this?"

"Alice? How do you know anything about Jake?" I asked, feeling my temper rise. The very idea that Edward had called her was more then I could handle.

"Your dad called me a few days ago. He said you needed to talk to me. I thought it was strange that he called. It took two days for him to return my call. I just got off the phone with him before calling you."

_Charlie called her? _I thought, realizing his action might have been on Jake's behalf. "Really? Isn't _that_ interesting."

"Hey, before you start thinking the worst - and we both know you were - he did it because he loves you."

"He loves Jake and wants me to fall madly in-love with him and forget all about Edward." I made a mental note to ream my father a new one.

"Bella, I didn't pick that up from him when I talked to him. He did talk to Jacob, but he seemed really worried about you, not him."

"Isn't that convenient. I'm sure he really did a convincing job, but his interest never goes much past making sure Jake and I are together."

"Listen, I know you doubt this, but when I talked to him, he said that he was really worried. Jacob stopped by and talked to him a few days ago about Edward being back and that he wanted to give you space to deal with it. He told me that he just wanted you to be happy, but that he worried you were too hurt to listen to anyone, except maybe me."

"Well, that sounds like him. He always did favor you, you know. If it weren't Jake that he was desperate for me to marry, it would be you next in line as far as he is concerned." I tried to sound off-handed, but I was sure it came off bitchy.

"Either that or he was hoping I would develop a taste for older men," she said, the trace of laughter edging her voice.

"That's probably more like it. So did he tell you that Jake broke up with me tonight? Did he mention that?"

"What? No, he didn't. What happened?" She sounded as if she was on the edge of her seat.

I recounted the afternoon's events to her, and waited for her reaction. After a few minutes, I heard her take a deep breath before she spoke.

"Well, that certainly changes things, doesn't it?"

"How so?" I asked as I became annoyed once again that neither of the men in my life had the balls to just step up. I couldn't have been more wrong about that, as I would find out much later.

"Well, the way you tell it, you really broke up with him. I think he was just letting you know he was going to let you see this whole Edward thing through to the end, whatever that might be. It sounds like _you_, in fact, are the one that broke up first."

"What? No way." I replayed the conversation in my mind once again and realized she was right. I hadn't given Jake a chance to tell me what he really was thinking. I cut him off. Just like Edward did with me.

"Bella? You still there?" Alice asked, her voice uncertain,

"Yeah. I am. Shit, Alice. I think you're right."

"Well if it makes you feel any better, Jacob _will _forgive you. You know he will." Alice spoke with absolute certainty, leaving no room for me to think otherwise.

"Yeah?" I asked, wanting Alice to be there with me so I could cry it out.

"Yeah. Edward? Now that is something entirely different. I did get a call in to Emmett before I called you, he's going to get to the bottom of that situation, I promise you that."

"Edward will be so pleased," I said, rolling my eyes. I knew all too well that Edward hated when his brother 'schooled' him, but I was silently happy that Alice had made the call.

"Who cares about Edward? I just care about you right now," she said, her voice managed to calm me down.

"I miss you, Alice," I confessed. It felt too good to be talking to her again.

"I miss you too, but not for long. I'm half way to Forks and you could be the best friend you've always been and let me stay with you while I'm in town. Save my from my parents, Bella, I beg you."

"They aren't _that_ bad," I said, feeling a laugh build.

"To you they aren't, but then again, you always were their favorite daughter. Shit. I'm sorry, that was wrong, so very wrong to say. I'm sorry, Bella. Really, I am."

"Alice, don't. It's ok. I mean, it's ok because it's true." I felt the first honest laugh I'd had in weeks within me.

After more than an hour of catching up on the phone, Alice was moments away from my house and I felt calm - r_eally _calm. I knew having her in the house, for however long, would be the therapy I'd needed for the past eleven months. I didn't know what it would feel like to see her again after all that had happened, and frankly, I was nervous.

After a final run through the house, I sat on the couch and waited until I heard her close her car door. I felt a rush of so many emotions; sadness, nervousness, joy . . . . I started to cry when I saw her walk up the stairs of the porch. I opened the door quickly and Alice nearly knocked me over as she crashed against me in a near bear hug.

"Oh, Bella! It's so good to see you! You look awful! Haven't you been eating? It's my dumb ass brother, isn't it? Oh sweetie, you need to eat. Let's go out and get something."

Typical Alice. I had to laugh to myself at her reaction. I hadn't lost any weight, cut my hair, or changed my wardrobe in the past year or so. Leave it to Alice to see the few ounces that I _may_ have lost, the slight fade to the top I was wearing, and the extra inch or two of my hair that I'd been too lazy to cut in the past seven weeks. Only Alice.

"It's so good to see you. I can't believe you're here," I said, taking a step back from the hug if only to be able to breathe.

"I'm just thrilled you answered. I know I should have tried harder in the past year, but Emmett said if you weren't seeing Mom or Dad, you wouldn't see us. He misses you too, you know," Alice said, dropping her bag just inside the door and closing the door behind her. "Seriously, have you eaten yet? I'm starving. I haven't had a thing since breakfast. Let's go out."

"Not a chance. I just got my best friend back after how long? Let's get pizza delivered and just stay up all night catching up." I took her by the hand and looked into her eyes, hoping she would see how much I wanted to stay in. Another Edward hangover. I hated going out to eat in the town that we - scratch that- I called home.

"Fine. Tomorrow, however, is fair game. I sort-of promised Emmett we'd have dinner with him and Rose. I can't go alone; you know how I feel about her. I mean, I like her, but . . . Glamazon much?" She giggled and everything slipped back into place.

We talked until nearly three in the morning, Alice more than I did. It wasn't as if anything major changed for me. Well, minus the whole Jake issue. But that could wait. She'd bring it up eventually, but I really wanted to hear more about her and her life in Seattle.

She'd made a strong name for herself as a personal shopper for the elite of Seattle, doing their bidding whatever that may be. Clothing, furnishings, art, groceries, Alice took care of it. And in the process met a guy. Only Alice.

One of her clients, some ultra rich Mercer Island couple was hosting a party for their grandson who was moving to the area. They wanted Alice to not only dress them for the evening, but also design the interior of his apartment. Alice really didn't want to, as a living space is personal and should only be done with the person who lived there's ok. Well, she got the ok when his grandmother flew her to Dallas to meet him. She said she didn't have to wonder who he was, she just knew as soon as she saw him. After a weekend of never leaving each other's side, he proposed and she accepted. She told me she had been waiting her whole life for him and when she saw him, she knew. She told him she had been waiting a very long time for him and he said he knew just what she meant. I hated her, him, and hearing about how perfect it was. I smiled and did the right thing. I congratulated her and wished her well. Then she dropped the bomb.

"Thing is, Bella, I really want you to be there. I mean, Edward will too and I can't help that. Mom and Dad would kill me if I kicked him to the curb. But I can't do this without you," she pleaded, reaching for my hands across the couch.

"I think I can deal with him for an afternoon. I wouldn't miss this wedding for the world." I smiled at her and knew for Alice, I could somehow dig deep and manage. Maybe by the time the wedding rolled around, I would be even further removed from all this pain.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that. It's in six months and I would really love it, honored really, if you would be my maid of honor," she said with such excitement I could barely hold back my smile.

"I would be honored to. Thank you." I felt the tears well up and knew in that moment that I was wrong to walk away from this friendship.

Alice squealed in absolute delight and I was sure I was partial deaf for it. "Oh, Bella! This is perfect! I promise, I will make sure that ass brother of mine is on his best behavior at the wedding. Jasper adores him and has asked him to be in the wedding party and -"

"What? Jasper has met him?" I asked, not entirely sure if that is what she said.

"Well, yeah. He has. Dang it, I shouldn't have said anything. We flew to Italy to visit Edward a few months back. We were there for two weeks and they really had a great time and got to know each other. They act like brothers, Bella. It's as if Jasper is the missing part of our family. Well, Jasper and-" Alice abruptly stopped. "Oh shit, Bella. I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have said that. I'm so sorry."

I smiled as best I could, and tried to hide the pain her near statement has caused. "It's not your fault, Alice. Never blame yourself. Blame Edward, I do."

"Well screw him and his jackass ways. You've always been my sister and nothing he did will stop me from seeing or thinking of you that way." Alice said before a large yawn escaped her.

"Me too, Alice. God, I missed you," I said as I hugged her tightly.

"I missed you too." She smiled and I felt the tears threaten to fall once again.

Alice had always been on my side and I was so wrong to shut her, and the entire family for that matter, out when Edward left. I looked at it as self-preservation. If I wasn't around them, I could act as if Edward had never existed. I was fast realizing where the Cullen family was concerned, that plan just wasn't going to work anymore.

"Bella, I love you dearly but I think we need to sleep some time," Alice said with a small laugh in her voice.

"Yeah, I think so too."

I showed her to the guest room after we collected her bags from her car. After hugging her goodnight, I went to my own room to just collapse on the bed; completely foregoing any routine. I thought about the events of the past few days; seeing Edward, breaking up with Jacob, and having Alice back in my life. I felt the tears silently fall once again.

Alice brought a ray of happiness back into my life. Jacob had betrayed me with his 'same place, same time' lunch with Edward, not to mention leaving me - twice. I thought he would be the one that would stabilize me, that one person I was supposed to be with forever. It had sure as hell felt like it. I had a terrible feeling that Jacob had crossed over into enemy territory and I was never going to get him back.

Then there was Edward . . . shit. Where to start? Maybe there was something to listening to his reason like Jake had said. But could I really go through that pain again? The realization that I wasn't enough had hit me hard; his leaving had nearly killed me. What would listening to his reason do to me?

I knew, as I started to drift off to sleep, that I would have to talk to him and soon. I couldn't take any more unannounced visits at the house, and it was only a matter of time before he went to Charlie and tried to talk to him. And with Alice back in my life, he would only end up using her as an excuse and I didn't want her in the middle anymore than I had already allowed her be in the past year.

When I woke the next morning, I knew what I had to do. I reached for the phone and dialed the number I hadn't called in almost a year.

_End Notes:_

_Well that is is for now. I have the next chapter ready to be beta'd then I can post it. Thank you for reading this story. _


	8. She's Out Of My Life

Chapter Eleven

I tried to calm my hands; dialing had been seriously impeded by the shaking. I took a long breath and listened to the ringing. It seemed as if the ringing would never end and connect to voice mail, but I knew it had only been three of four total.

Then it stopped.

"Bella?" Edward answered completely breathlessly. It scared me.

I hesitated, my voice stuck in my throat; a noticeable lump only made it worse. I fought against the strong urge to hang up, but he would only call back, or show up. "Hi."

And then there was silence.

Neither of us said a word for a few seconds; I couldn't hear Edward breathing and I was holding my own. It felt like any second, my body might explode from the anxiety the silence caused.

"How are you?" Edward asked tentatively.

My heart beat increased and my palms started to sweat. I had to just get it over with and cut out the social aspect of the call. "You have one chance to explain."

He dragged a breath in and held it. I couldn't think about the look that must have been on his face, so I thought instead of the look on his face when he left. So set and unyielding, so stern and cold.

"I can come over now," he said, his voice dropped in volume and an edge of uncertainty came out.

"No, Alice is here and I really don't want to do this with her in the house," I started. I heard Alice clearing her throat behind me as she stood in the door to my room.

"I can be gone in ten," she mouthed.

"Not helping," I mouthed back and felt the anxiety lessen, if only slightly, knowing she was in the room. "How about one? Can you come over then?"

"Yes," he said quickly.

"Fine. Uh . . . bye," I stammered and hung up the phone. I knew it was abrupt, but I couldn't take another minute, or second, hearing his voice. It was tough enough knowing I would be alone with him again not to mention listening to him break my heart all over again.

Just before one, I took a beer from the fridge and downed half of it. I steadied myself on the island and looked over at the kitchen table. It was where the beginning of the end had started. Over coffee and let over office work. The table was cleared and nothing rested on it. Not since he had left had I kept anything on the table. No flowers, napkin holder, or salt and pepper shakers. It seemed the table had come to define my life - empty with nothing to fill the void.

I looked out the window over the sink and thought back to just a few months before when Jake had surprised me and I cut my hand. How different my life had been, become, and ended up. I always thought I would marry Edward. When he left, I never thought I would love anyone again. Then Jake came home and while I knew I would never love him the way I had Edward, I thought I might be happy, really happy, with him. Now - well, now I didn't know anything.

I heard a knock at the door which brought me out of my dazed state. My body went cold and I felt my brows tightened and lowered a bit. Scowl in place. I answered the door.

"Hello, Edward," I said as I fought the desire to hug him or at the very least, shake his hand.

"Hi . . . Bella," he said. It was almost as if saying my name cost him something he didn't want me to see or know about.

"Well, come in and sit down." I gestured to the sofa and chairs in the front room.

Edward took a seat on the foot rest of the leather chair and I sat and faced him on the sofa. It hadn't escaped me that I didn't offer him anything to drink. I wanted him there and gone as fast as possible.

I looked at him, his hands folded, wrists rested on his knees; his body hunched forward. I wanted to take pity on him, but he had shown none to me when he left me.

"Start talking, Edward." It was cold and cruel, but I wanted to get it over with as much as he did. Maybe for the same reason, maybe not.

He swallowed hard and lifted his eyes from his hands; his thumb nail nervously pushing the cuticle of the other thumb nail back. He looked into my eyes for a second, then returned his view back to his hands.

"Uh - well . . . shit. I thought maybe we'd have a few minutes before I had to start," he said nervously.

"You've had eleven months. I think that's long enough." I locked my eyes on his, even though they were still looking at his hands.

"Wow. What happened to the Bella that gave people chances?" he asked shyly as he finally brought his eyes to mine.

"You killed her when you left her in the meadow." It was mean, I knew it was, but he needed to know what he was up against. And if what I gave him was ugly and harsh, he only had himself to blame.

His shoulders rounded and curved in. He brought his hands up and rested them, one on top of the other, against his mouth; his elbows pressed into his legs for support. His eyes darted between mine and the lamp next to the sofa. "I'm not really sure where to start."

"How about why. That's all I want to hear from you, nothing else."

He took a long inhale, met my eyes, and spoke. "I always thought what we had was a dream. It all seemed so perfect, and if it was perfect . . . then it would end one day."

"That's your reason?" I spat out. I could feel my temper start to heat up and I willed myself to shut up and let him talk, no matter what I wanted to interject.

"No, not entirely. You - you talk in your sleep," he stammered, "ya - you have for as long as I've known you. When I couldn't sleep at night, I would listen to you. Most times it was sweet or kind of silly. But . . . one night, it changed."

I didn't say a word. I just locked my gaze on him and waited for him to continue. There was something in his eyes that told me I wouldn't like what he was going to say.

"You weren't sleeping well and I tried to hold you, it usually worked - to calm you down. But you told me to stop touching you. You had your eyes open, Bella. I thought you were awake. When I thought you were sound asleep again, you were moaning and . . . you . . ." He didn't finish. His words trailed off and his breathing came in short, stressed breaths. "You started saying _his name. _ I didn't know what to think or what to do. I let it go, I mean what else could I do? But it kept happening - off and on for about three weeks."

"Whose name?" I asked. I tried to mask my fear as anger and my words came out more harshly than I thought.

Edward pursed his lips, his eyes half clenched closed. He was fighting something on his own, something I never saw on his face before. "Jacob." His voice was quiet and raspy.

_Jacob? _I questioned. I hadn't ever dreamed of Jacob. I said nothing but held my stare on Edward.

He couldn't look at me any longer. He dropped his hands back between his knees and shook his head slightly before he continued. "I . . . I tried, I really did. But then you started to pull away from when I tried to hold you, and then the dreams would start, and you wh- you - you would . . . fuck." His voice broke completely on his last word. He raised a hand to his forehead and rubbed his brows. I heard him sniff then clear his throat. His voice cracked with emotions and the tears he was fighting.

"You were writhing in bed, obviously turned on. I tried to hold you, to get you remember you were with me, but you shoved me away and told me to get off of you. Then you would say his name again and start moaning. You pitched your head back and lifted your hips and . . . shit! I can't - I can't. I'm sorry, Bella.

"I couldn't stay knowing you wanted Jacob and were lying to us both. I know you love him, he was such a big part of your life before he left town. I didn't want to stand in your way. You always said in your dreams what you were too afraid to say to me awake, so - I just - I didn't want you to have to tell me.

"And then my dad told me about your hand, and that Jacob was the one that brought you in and took you home - I knew I had been right to leave you . . . but I didn't want to be. I still wanted to be with you. I want you to love me again. I knew you were happy with him. You always were. I didn't like it back then, and that never went away for me. I tried to understand why you needed to be friends with him, but I just always feared you would want him more. Turns out I was right. You did."

He finally looked up at me, tears brimmed in his eyes. I wanted to hold him and stop the tears that threatened to fall, but my mind was still processing all he had said.

_He left you over a dream. A dream he never asked you about and you don't remember?_

I tried to get a handle on what he had just told me. The one thing I needed to hear from him for the past eleven months was finally out. I had been told what his reason was. He left over a dream and some damned relationship I didn't have with Jake until a few months before. It didn't make sense. Why hadn't he talked to me when the dreams happened? Why did he never say a word? Dreams that I couldn't remember and surely meant nothing compared to the love I felt for Edward had caused him to leave me. What hell sense did it make?

I fought between anger and sadness, my mind never completely resting on one or the other.

He swallowed hard, his eyes were dark with emotion, and he locked his gaze on mine. "What I don't understand is why it took so long for him to come back once I was gone."

I couldn't speak. I wanted to, but there were no words. I kept looking at Edward and saw what I had thought for months I had wanted to see; him broken and in tears, just as I had been for months. But once he was in front of me, and the pain and tears were real, I wanted them to stop.

I walked over to him before I was fully aware I had. He never took his eyes off me. He stood up when I stopped in front of him. I held him in my gaze and searched his face for some sign what he said had been a lie. I knew when I saw the creasing around his eyes, and the pain that was so deeply imbedded in his eyes, that none of it had been. It was all the truth and it was painful for him to admit.

I cupped his cheek in my hand, the stubble rubbed against my palm and I could smell everything that was Edward and had been my comfort, my salvation, my strength for so long. He pressed his head into my palm and closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened his eyes, he pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me.

He pressed his nose into my hair and inhaled deeply. I lost myself in the warmth of his embrace and the smell of the soap on his skin. I felt him kiss the top of my head, and my tears started to fall.

Our embrace lasted for a few minutes, neither of us wanting to break the connection that had been missing for so long.

"Oh God, Bella. I am so sorry," Edward said breathlessly.

"So am I," I said while I chocked back tears.

"Sweetie, I promise to make this up to you. I will spend the rest of my life making up for the past year. I - I just . . . thank you. Thank you for forgiving me." He spoke with such relief that it broke me from the spell we had been caught in.

"What?" I asked as I back up and out of his arms. "Edward, I didn't. I don't. You - you looked so . . . and I just . . . No. I can't forgive you for this. I can't."

"Bella, I - why? Please?" he begged.

"No. I can't. Edward, you had almost a year to tell me this, and you couldn't. And when I finally was able to start moving past the hurt you caused, you want back in?" My tears flowed freely and my voice cracked. The dam broke and the past months crashed down on him. "You heard that I was with Jacob only after how many months? And it took how many more weeks before you did something about it? You never liked Jacob, and the fact that he and I are together is just killing you? Well too fucking bad! I've had to live with the thought that I wasn't enough for you for eleven fucking months while you were off living whatever life you have in Italy. You never called or wrote - you just disappeared. It was like you never existed. And you want me to just forgive you? How dare you ask that - even assume that- of me!"

"Bella, please!" Edward pleaded again, a tear slid down his cheek.

"No, I can't. Not now, not ever. I think you need to go."

"Bella, no! I was wrong. I was a shit to do this to you-"

"You're damn right you were. You need to go, Edward. We're done." I felt my gut ripped out, my throat was dry, and my body ached. But I had to say it, and he had to leave.

"No, we can't be," his said, his voice sounded lost and afraid for the first time since I'd known him.

"We are. You saw to that when you left me in the woods. Good bye, Edward."

"Bella . . . " he gasped.

I closed my eyes, fought my body to not show the trembling that was raging to within me. When I found my voice, it was full of longing and anger and tears. "Go, please. If you only ever do one last thing for me, please listen to me now. Go and please, don't come back."

I stood still as long as I could. I refused to open my eyes. I knew if I did, I would forget everything I felt and take him in my arms once again. I couldn't confuse this any more than it already had been.

I heard a strangled breath leave him, then his footsteps fell on the hardwood as he walked to the door.

"Bella, I will never give up. I love you. And for as fucked up as my reason for leaving you was and is . . . I won't stop trying. I have never stopped loving you and the faint hope that maybe you could forgive me has been my reason for living, if that's what's I've been doing since I left."

"Edward, please . . ." my voice shook as I pleaded with him to leave once again.

"Let Jacob know I'm not going anywhere. If he wants you, he better be prepared for a fight. I won't lose whatever chance I have with you, no matter how small it might be."

I felt the tremors take over my entire body. I heard the door open and close. My tears and shaking that I had held in burst forth in loud gasps and cries. Then I collapsed on the floor.


	9. We Are Broken

_**Author's Chapter Notes:**_

_**Thank you for reading this little fic. Your reads and reviews mean the world to me.**_

_**Disclaimer: All characters belong to SM. The plot, characterization interpretations, outline, dialogue are mine.**_

Wave after wave of pain and tears crashed over me, and I cried out from the pain I felt but it still didn't take the pain away. My tears fell quickly, and every breath I struggled to take was shuddered and only brought on more pain. I closed my eyes to try to block the anguish I felt, but every time I did, I saw Edward's face when he pleaded with me. I saw the tears stream down his face and the hurt I saw etched in his eyes and on his face was like a swift, but deep, blade to my heart.

I hadn't cried like this since the night Edward left. Why was he always reducing me to tears and a pain? My heart was being ripped out and cut into pieces once again. My mind told me to call Jacob, my heart begged for Edward.

"No!" I said. "Not him!"

I sat on the floor, my face stained with tears for who knows how long when I heard the front door open.

"Bella?" Alice asked softly. "Oh shit! What did he do?"

Her arms wrapped around me and pulled me close.

"I can't do this anymore, Alice. I just can't," I cried. A new wave of sadness slammed into me and I was helpless to stop it.

"Can't do what? What happened? What did Edward say? What did he do?" She tried to wipe the tears from my face, but there were too many.

"He loves me," I said. A sob lodged in my throat and the words killed me to both say and hear. "That's all he said and did. I'm a bitch for having some dream I can't remember that caused him to leave me. What the fuck, Alice? He left me over something I don't remember? How fucked up is that?"

"Oh, Bella," Alice said softly as she started to rock me in her arms.

I sniffed back the tears and struggled for breath enough to finish the air to get out the end of my thought. "How could he _do that_? He didn't even talk to me or ask me about. He just left. He fucking _left_ me, Alice! I loved _him_ and he _left me!" _My voice cracked, and I cried uncontrollably.

Alice held me until my tears finally slowed enough to where I wasn't shaking from them anymore. She walked me to the couch, covered me with a blanket, and went to the kitchen. A short time later, she returned with a glass of water.

"Bella, if he wasn't my brother, I would kill him."

"Won't change what he did," I said. I knew there was much more I meant with my words than Alice could know.

Alice's warm brown eyes studied mine for a moment. She sighed a few times, but didn't say a word. We sat together on the couch as I calmed down. My tears and hiccupping sobs finally stopped …enough.

Alice reached for my hand and looked at me. "Bella... I called Jacob."

Her words hit me harder than I thought they would. "Oh? What did he have to say? That he'll stay away too?" I couldn't help it. Pain was pain. I wasn't wanted by either of the men that claimed to love me, at least not until it was convenient for them.

"Actually," Alice started, her voice was soft and laced with sympathy, "he's on his way over."

"Great. Now he can tell me how I fucked his life up, too." I didn't want to be bitter with Alice, but I couldn't help it. She was my safety.

"I told him _I_ needed him to come over. He didn't ask why, Bella. He just said he was on his way."

When Jake arrived, he didn't knock but let himself in. He walked over to the couch, looked me then at Alice. Without a word spoken, Alice got up and left the room. Jake took her seat, looked at the floor and waited. I didn't speak for a few minutes, partly to see if he would just give up and leave, and partly because I had no idea what to say to him.

He pulled me into a side hug, and I rested my head on his chest just beneath his shoulder.

"You alright, Bells?" he asked as his hand stroked my upper arm.

I laughed sarcastically. "No."

"You want to talk about it?" he asked. His voice was low and soft. I breathed him in and felt safe.

"She really didn't tell you anything, did she?"

His upper body shook with his silent laugh. "No, she called and I came over."

"Why?" I asked. I needed to hear it, and I hoped he would say it. I needed to hear he loved me and wouldn't walk away again, but as soon as I thought of it, I knew it wasn't what I really wanted.

"Because you're my friend, Bella. And clearly, you are hurting right now, and that is what friends do."

I sat up and moved away from his embrace. "So I'm just your friend now?"

"Bella-"

"No, answer the question, Jacob. Is that all I am to you? He came back and you just walk away? Do you really feel so little for me that you won't fight for me?"

"Bella, I'm not going to fight for something that was never really mine to have."

"What the hell does that mean?" My tears gave way to anger. I couldn't sit next to him a second longer. I threw the blanket off and jumped off the couch, turning as quickly as I could, glaring at him.

"You. You're heart. It's always belonged to him. I was only lucky enough to have a small piece of it." Jacob's dark brown eyes looked into mine. I hated hearing what he said, but I knew there was truth in it. "Bella, I love you, but so does he."

"So what, you're just going to hand me over to someone that left me and broke me?"

"Trust me, I'm not 'handing you over', but you aren't _done_ with him yet. You and I both know it."

"I know I don't trust the son-of-a-bitch!" The dam burst and with it all my frustration, anger, and sadness.

"But you can't replace him with me to make it better. If you want _me_, I need to know it's because I'm not second choice, or for revenge... or loneliness." Jacob stood up and matched my stance. His eyes reflected the honesty and distress present in his voice.

"Jacob, you were _never_ that," I argued with a sense of desperation in my voice.

"Bells, I think you believe that, but I'm not sure how much truth there is to it." His eyes said what his words couldn't. He knew I never really loved him, not the way I should have and not the way he deserved. But I knew if he stayed, if he waited long enough, I could love him the way he wanted me to. I just needed time.

"I love you, Jacob. I do," I pleaded and begged myself to actually feel the words I was saying.

"I love you too, Bella, but that isn't enough." He spoke quietly, each word costing him one more piece of the "us" we had started to build over the past few months. "But it is for him."

"Whose side are you on, Jacob?" I felt the tears begin to sting my eyes again. I was losing him.

His expression shifted to one of resignation, and it killed the small part of me that hadn't died when Edward left earlier that night. "I'm on the side that is right."

"So mine then?" I asked expectantly.

Jacob met my eyes, his brows were tight, and his lips were in a thin line. "No... his."

_**Chapter End Notes:**_

_**This little story has been my baby for over a year. I am sorry for the delay in posting, but I want to make sure I get the emotions of the story just right.**_

_**And yes, you read that right. Jacob is on Edward's side!**_

_**My ficwife nominated this little story for the The Indie Fic Awards. I am stunned that she did and I am truly humbled for it. Thank you, the shrew!**_


	10. I'll Stand By You

_Author's Note: Thank you for reading this one. While there will be conflict still, we are working to the HEA. In the mean time, here's some Papa Swan for ya._

* * *

"_No. His."_

Jake's words bounced around in my head, slamming about and causing one hell of a headache. I didn't bother eating dinner; I went straight to bed once I kicked Jacob out a second time. I locked my bedroom door and didn't even open it when Alice came home. She asked if I was ok. There wasn't an answer I could give her that wouldn't reignite me being furious or the tears falling.

I sat in my bed, oddly enough only on my side. Was my subconscious trying to tell me something by where I chose to sit? No, it couldn't be. I'd always sat on the right side of the bed, even when I was kid living with Charlie.

Charlie.

He would know what to do, wouldn't he? I mean, he _is _a dad – even if I was an adult. It wasn't as though his life's experience with the opposite sex was trouble free. My mother was challenge enough for any man. Considering that plus his status as a cop, I decided outside Alice, he might be the best person to talk to.

"Bella? Sweetheart, it's almost midnight. Are you okay?" he asked, sleep weighing heavy on his voice.

Shit. I woke him up. "Yeah, Dad. Everything is fine. I mean, enough. I talked to Edward tonight."

"What? He's back?" he questioned, his voice showing my statement woke him up fully.

"Yes. He wants me to forgive him and be with him, and Jacob is just going to hand me over to him. Can you believe that shit? I mean, he flat out told me he was on Edward's side! What kind of crap is that?" I spat it all out, not stopping for a breath or to even think of what all I was spewing out at my dad.

"Whoa, Bells. Hold on now. You sure you're okay? Do you want me to come over? Do you want to come over? I've got a few beers in the fridge and some left over pizza . . . ," he said full Dad-mode launched.

I slumped against the headboard and sighed. "No, Dad. It's late and you have work in the morning. Still, how does lunch look?"

"Lunch with your dad? You got it, Bells. What time?" He sounded shocked, but more than that, he seemed happy.

"Um, one? Is that too late?" I asked as I bit the cuticle of my nail. Those damn men were going to be the death of my hands – I'd already destroyed my nails and cuticles from the oral stress venting.

"No, that's fine. Is the diner ok?"

"That's perfect, Dad. See you then." I smiled at him even though he was on the phone. While here were other places to eat in this town, you wouldn't know it based on my father's eating habits.

"Ok, Bells. See you then and uh . . . I love you," he said with an ounce of hesitation. After all these years, he still hesitated when he said it. Nice damage my mother caused, isn't it?

"I love you, too, Dad."

Charlie smacked the ketchup bottle and gave it a light shake. The ketchup practically plopped onto his plate, right next to the steak fries he loved so much.

"Alright, let me get this straight. Edward left because he thought you were having a dream about Jake and now, after a year, he's back because he can't live without you?" Charlie asked as he capped the bottle.

"Right." I replied, taking a large bite of my sandwich.

"That's weak, Bella. What kind of dream could you have had?" he asked as he took a bite of his fries.

I gulped hard, not prepared for either the question or it coming so soon. "Um, well – God, Dad. This is too embarrassing." I closed my eyes and hoped the slight head shake would ditch the awkward.

"Too embar- oh! One of _those_ dreams?" There was something in the way he cocked his head to the side and his brow shot up that told me he knew exactly what I was saying.

"Um, yeah. He said that at first it sounded like just a bad dream, but then there was -," I cleared my throat, "moaning and I was saying Jake's name."

Charlie closed his eyes for a brief second before he opened them again. "Give me second, Bella. I need to become the cop, not the dad."

I smiled nervously at him and waited. Sure, this was odd for me, but it had to be worse for him. Dad's never do all that well with "their daughter is having sex" conversation.

"So, did he ever ask you about these dreams? Seems to me if he loved you, he would have. I'm not expert, but there were times when you still lived with me that I thought you were having overly-active dreams, and it turns out you were dreaming about a test you had to take."

I took another bite of my lunch. "No, he never did, and that makes no sense either. Edward was always the talker, you know? He always talked about emotions. I hardly ever did. I mean, after Mom -"

"I think we both shut down emotionally after her, Bella. Or because of her. There's no harm in not being one to always speak what you feel, is there?" He took a sip of his soda and looked at me as if he was seeking permission for his words to be a shared truth.

I reached across the table and placed my hand on his. "Dad, _we_ turned out fine. She's the train wreck."

His smile of appreciation mixed with relief. "Look, I'm just saying that there may be the chance, no matter how remote it might be, that what he interpreted as a dream about you, shall we say, 'enjoying Jake's company', might have been something completely different. When you two broke up back in high school, for that lone month, you had the worst dreams. You would wake up screaming – almost in pain. Now, the lead up to that? I thought for sure that boy was in your room and you two were doing things that he would have been shot over – if you catch my drift. You never have been one to dream normally, Bells. Jacob said you had the same kind of dreams when he was with you, too."

I laughed slightly before I looked back at my plate. "I remember that. God, I hated those dreams."

"So did I. But if you recall, you never remembered the lead up – only the scary parts."

I thought about what he said, the conversation coming to a complete stop when I did. Charlie returned to eating as I ran through what I could remember about the dreams I had after Edward left. They started the same way: Edward and I kissing, his hands roaming over my body, his kissing lighting a fire in my belly as they traveled from my lips, across my jaw, then down my neck. Then the nightmare would start. It was never the same path, but they always lead to the same place – Edward disappearing into thin air. The end was the same as it was in high school.

"Bells, all I'm saying is this. Maybe Edward's reasons aren't logical to you, but I'd wager my salary on the fact they were logical to him. Men aren't wired the same way you women are. We don't think about something for hours before acting on it. We act – then think."

"Hmph, can't you fix that? It's really annoying." I tried to laugh it off, but he was right. Every man I knew was like that.

"Sure. I'll get right on that just as soon as you women become open books and explain the shoe buying."

We both laughed and the tension was lifted. There were moments, no matter how spaced apart they were, that I understood just how alike to my father I was.

We finished our lunch with my dad filling me in on his job, fishing, and most importantly – baseball. I gave him the rest of the "Bella-Breakdown" recap and was delighted when I saw a glint of light in his eyes when I mentioned Alice.

"Really? She's back in town?" he asked casually.

"Yup. Getting married soon, too," I said as offhandedly as I could make it sound.

He smiled broadly. "Well, that is just great! Hope he knows how lucky he is. She always was like a second daughter to me."

"Really?" I asked, slightly stunned. I had to be honest. I always thought my dad had a slight crush on her.

"Sure. She was at our house often enough I could have claimed her on my taxes."

Charlie walked me to my car and gave me a hug before we said a good-bye. I knew I needed to do this more often with him and I felt guilty of my lack of spending time with him.

"Thanks for lunch, Dad."

"Anytime. Now that I've said that, don't go retreating again. I might be your dad, Bells, but given a chance, I could be your friend too." He smiled nervously at me as though his words cost him more than he was willing to wager.

"Dad, you always have been my friend," I reassured him with a smile and hug.

His arms wrapped tightly around me and he placed a small kiss on the top of my head. "Love you, Bella."

"Yeah, I love you too, Dad." I smiled against his chest and knew that for the rest of my life, things with my dad would be forever changed. For the better.

We broke from our hug and he reached for my car door to open it. "You be safe going home, that rain cloud looks like it's going to hit before you get home."

"I will. You, too," I said as I threw my purse across the seat and readied myself to get in. "Oh, Dad? Are you free for dinner Friday night?"

Charlie smiled at me, the corner of his mouth hitched up slightly. "Friday? Hmm, I might need to check my calendar – you know what a ladies man I am, Bells. I might be booked."

I laughed at his joke and shook my head. "Six-thirty, and bring beer. The Mariners are playing. Ok?"

"You got it, Bells. Be safe."

Smiling at him still, I got in my car and started it. He waited until I was on the highway before he went to his cruiser.

I thought about what Charlie said on the ride home. I would end up thinking about it for the rest of the day and well into the evening. I couldn't shake his comment that I remembered only the end of all those bad dreams – never the buildup. Why was that? What the hell was I missing? More importantly – why was it missing?

By eight o'clock, I'd given myself one hell of a headache courtesy of the conversation with Charlie merging with the thunderstorm that had been building all afternoon. I had to admit defeat. I took two ibuprofen, a bottle of water, and went to bed.

I was halfway up the stairs when I had a hint memory come to light. As quickly as the lightening was striking outside, a part of the dreams I had of Jacob flashed before me.

"Oh shit!" I almost shouted in response to the image that assaulted me. "Shit!"

JPOV

I wasn't sure if he was going to meet me – I might as well be the enemy for all he cared. But all the same, I had to try.

I'd called him after I left Bella. More like after she kicked me out. I knew she would, after what I said to her she would have been nuts to let me stay. Yet I knew it had to be said. I was on the side that was right and if that meant Edward, then so be it. I only wanted what was best for her –always. I had to admit that it wasn't me and I hated it. I'd loved her for so long and secretly hoped one day they would hit splitsville and I would finally have my chance. Once I did, it was pure heaven. While it lasted.

The thunder banged outside and the flashes of lightening were almost blinding. I started to second-guess if he would actually come out. If the tables were turned, I might have cancelled rather than risk my life to go to some dinner for what had the potential to be a tense meeting.

Curtains of rain fell heavy against the windows and I checked my watch. It was five past eight and not looking good for him showing up. I lifted my glass, repeated the water circles cross the tabletop, and tried to think of anything but the time slowly passing.

The bell above the door jangled for the first time since I'd entered the diner. I looked up to see a figure approaching my table. Water cascaded off the hood of the rain jacket before the figure pushed it off their head, leaving it hanging from the back collar.

"Hey. Sorry I'm late."

"Yeah, no worries. Who would have known the gods were going to try to drown us tonight, right?" I joked half-heartedly.

"Yeah."

I was so relieved he'd shown up, I had to snap myself out of my quasi-stunned state. "Right. Well, have a seat. We have a lot to talk about."

"Like what?" he asked, not showing that he was too willing to follow my suggestion.

I pulled my jaw tight, knowing what I was about to do was for the best – for all of us, no matter how much it killed me to do it.

"Like how to get Bella to forgive you, Edward."

* * *

_End Notes: Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear from you. And I hope to not be so awful at updates. _


	11. War of My Heart

_Author's Chapter Notes:_

_Here we go... the dream explained. Even though this chapter explains some of it, it isn't the "whole" of it. That will come later. Does that make sense? I hope so._

_Thank you for reading this little story and staying with me. I know this storyline may upset some people, but I promise it will all be explained. Yes, Bella is hard headed/hearted. Yes, Edward left and it seems he took the cowards way out. Yes, Jake does walk away from Bella. But Jake in this fic is what I always imagined him being if her were in his twenties._

_Thanks to "Tom" for the banner and for pre-reading this chapter. And thanks to "Tom" and the shrew for being the pre-readers and helping to guide the details at just the right pace._

_Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or anything regarding the rights to the Twilight Saga. I just own this tiny little "what-if" view I have had for over a year. lol._

"Bella, just hear me out!"

"Screw you, Jacob," I spat. Who the hell did he think he was? "You don't walk out on me, then come back and tell me you are on _his _side. Normal people don't do that."

"Shit, Bella. Normal people don't build up this kind of wall. Why won't you talk to him again?" Jake said, his tone less aggressive and more caring.

"Shouldn't you be asking yourself why I _am_ talking to you? You tell me two weeks ago that you're on his side and you don't even question my talking to you? Really? That should have been your first question, not why I won't talk to him." I was pacing around my kitchen, as if the random patter would somehow yield an answer.

"Yeah, I know I should. But Bella, come on. You let him back in only to knock the wind out of him."

"What do you think he did to me when he left? Was that somehow it was different?" I slammed my hand on the counter.

"What are you not telling me, Bella? Hmm? Because I know you, almost as good as he does. Probably better than you know yourself right now." Jake raised his voice and stern.

I rolled my head back and closed my eyes. "I'm not - crap, Jake. Why is this any of your business? You dropped me the minute you knew he was back in town. Why? Trying to reclaim your perch as my BFF? Well forget it. You chose a side, remember?"

"I just want you to be happy. You could be happy, you know. If you just let him back in -"

"I have to go," I said in a rush before hanging up the phone.

I stood in the kitchen, my hands pressing against the counter for support, and tried to breathe. It was impossible. Every breath I took was shaky at best.

Swallowing hard, I closed my eyes again and the same flash I had seen two weeks before as I climbed the stairs hit me again. It stopped me cold as I stood in the kitchen, just as it had on the stairs.

"No!" I said indignantly. "No."

I refused to think about what my mind was trying to show me. I could barely stomach the flash I had seen, let alone have my mind replaying it. It made no sense, and yet it made too much sense.

Over the past two weeks, the details and images of the dream were becoming clearer until one night, I woke in a dead sweat - the entire dream having replayed in my sleep. Dream? Ha! More like a nightmare. The images kept repeating as I sat in my bed, clutching the blanket and shaking. I wanted to call someone, but who the hell would I call? I couldn't tell my father. Alice was in Seattle with Jasper, and there was no fucking way I was calling Edward or Jacob.

Still, the images haunted me, leaving me feeling dirty and cheap. As if what had happened in the dream was a fact and not some screwed up manifestation of my mind. It horrified me to realize that what Edward has witnessed and thought was Jacob and I in the throes of pleasure, was something far worse.

"It doesn't change what he did," I argued with myself. Then dejectedly, I said, "It just doesn't change what he did."

Pulling myself together, I head out to get something's for dinner that night with my dad and Alice. Alice had practically invited herself to my now-weekly dinners with my dad. I didn't mind, knowing it would keep the conversation moving along without too much attention on me.

I ran to the grocery store and as I was leaving, Charlie called. He asked if I still wanted the locks changed on the house. Damn Jacob Black hadn't returned my house key yet. However, if I was being fair, I hadn't bothered seeing him face to face since the day I kicked him out. Encouraging me to just ask for the key instead of changing the locks, I told Charlie I would go the hardware store and just buy a new deadbolt instead of dealing with Jacob. I could hear him sigh through the cell phone, but I didn't care. This was my life and my rules.

At least, that was what I _wanted_ people to think.

After trolling the aisles, I finally found the locks and picked one that needed a key for both sides of the lock. I wasn't going to have my dad refuse to change the damn thing over a safety glitch. Not going to happen.

I was at the register when I saw him.

Edward was in the checkout lane next to me, paint cans, pans, and brushes lay on the counter as the checker rang him out. I silently prayed I would be done and gone before he was. I slid my debt card and tapped it on the counter, impatiently waiting for the sale to go through and get my receipt in hand.

I walked as quickly as I could across the parking lot, hoping I would go unnoticed and could get the hell out of there. Dropping my keys wasn't a part of the plan.

"Bella?" I heard him softly question. The sound of his voice broke my heart.

Picking up my keys, I turned around and steeled myself for the conversation. "Hey, Edward."

"Didn't expect to see you here."

"Yeah, well. It's a small town. I'll eventually go everywhere in this town once."

"Yeah, I guess," he said looking down at the ground. "So, how are you?"

I blinked slowly and took a breath to calm my pounding heart. "Edward, don't."

"Don't what? We live in the same town again. I'm just trying to be civil."

"You what?" I asked with a slight shake of my head.

"I told you I wasn't leaving until you gave me a chance. I told the company I was moving back here and would work remotely."

"And they let you?"

"Well, not at first. However, when I told them I had family issues that required me living here again, and it was either work remotely or quit - they finally gave in." He smiled nervously at me.

"So what is your family issue?" I asked rudely.

"Well, my mom has put me to task to help her paint Dad's study," he said motioning to the supplies he'd just purchased. "But I think you know the real reason."

"How nice of you," I said flatly.

His shoulders sagged and he looked deflated. "Bella . . . I'm sorry."

"So you keep saying," I said flatly. I hate being mean to anyone, but after what he put me through, he deserved it.

"Right. Well . . . I'm glad I bumped into you. Oh, before you go, Jacob asked me to give you something." Edward put his bag and paint cans down on the ground and pulled his keys from his back pocket. "He said you would want this back," he said as he started to remove a key from the ring.

"What - is that a key to my house?" I asked, slightly shocked. Reaching for the key, I was careful to avoid touching him. Nothing could make me melt faster than touching Edward. Even if only his fingers were merely brushing against my arm.

"Yeah," he started, dragging the word out, "it is. I ran into him up at the dinner and he said that I had a better shot of talking to you face to face than he did face to face, so . . ."

"Really? Did he now? Ok. First - why would he think that _you _had a better chance of seeing me than he did, and second - that makes it twice now that you two just bumped into each other? I'm not stupid, Edward."

"I know you're not."

"So this running into Jake, it wasn't at all planned?" I nearly spat out. If Jacob was doing what I thought he was, I would kill him.

"No, of course not," he said confidently, but I saw the corner of his mouth twitch. I knew then he was lying.

"Right."

"I also ran into Mike, Lauren, and Mr. Banner. None of that was planned. It's a small town, Bella. I'm bound to run into everyone here given enough time." His words closely resembled mine at the start of our conversation.

"I have to go," I said with finality. There was no way I was going to let this conversation keep going. The longer I talked to Edward, the weaker my defenses became.

"Yeah, ok. I'll see you around then," Edward said softly as he picked up the bag and paint cans again.

"He did what? Ok, that makes no sense, like none. In fact - in the history of making sense, this one isn't even in the log book," Alice quipped as she quickly bit into the carrot she had been gesturing with.

"I know, that's what I thought, too," I said, dumping the cut celery and carrots into the salad bowl.

"Those two are up to something, so help me, they are. It makes about as much sense as Hitler and Patton being buddies."

I laughed. "Which one is Hitler?"

"So not the point, Bella." She hopped down from her perch on the counter and took the glass bowl to the table.

"What is the point, Alice? That both of my ex's are chatting it up like a couple of hens? And why does Jake think Edward has a better chance of seeing me than he does? I'm not likely to forgive either of them, so one having an advantage is beyond logic." I followed her to the table, setting the dressings next to the bowl.

"Bella, listen. I know what Edward did is on the girlfriend list of unforgivables, but I was talking to Jasper about this and I thought of something." She leaned against the chair and twisted her hands on the chair back.

I looked at her cautiously, and then asked, "Thought of what?"

"Well, Edward - he's always been really cautious ... about everything. He didn't start walking until he was fourteen months old. Dad thought there was something wrong with him, but mom said he was just making sure he didn't try it until he knew he wouldn't get hurt. He never dated anyone before you because he thought that if it ended poorly, either him or the girl would be hurt. He never did anything risky until you. But even then, he always took the cautious route."

"Alice, nice as this trip down memory lane is, I can't see how it relates."

"Well, don't you think maybe for him to do something so big, so shocking and tragic, that he had to really believe being with him in the long run would only hurt you more? I mean, whatever it was you were dreaming had to really hit him hard and scare him for him to leave."

I stood there, my heart crashed to my gut, and guilt washed over me.

"Bella? Are you ok? You look really pale." Alice reached over to me and felt my cheek.

I smiled weakly and, finding my legs, walked to the stove to stir dinner.

"Bella? What's wrong?"

A cold rush spread over my shoulders. I barely recognized my own voice when I started talking. "I remembered the dream, Alice. Like all of it."

"You did?" she asked as she touched my shoulder. "Oh my god, you're shaking!"

I felt the tremors vibrating through my body and my eyes began to sting.

"Oh, sweetie. What's wrong? Can you talk about it? Do you want to talk about it?"

"Yes and no. I - I can't believe I remembered it. I was going upstairs to bed a few weeks ago, and it just hit me. I can't shake it. I've dreamed about it every night since then."

"Oh my god. Here, drink this." Alice handed me my wine glass. "Now breathe."

I took a breath, sipped the wine, and bit my lip. If remembering the damn dream was horrible, telling someone, to actually say it aloud, was terrifying.

"You ok?" she asked, taking my free hand in hers.

"No," I whispered, "but I need to tell someone."

Alice brought her brows together, her face full of caring. "Whatever was in that dream never really happened. Ok? No harm can come from talking about it."

I took a huge breath, so deep it ached as it filled my lungs. A few minutes passed before I finally had enough courage to say what it was I had mentally been avoiding for days.

"Um, it wasn't that bad at first; Jacob and I were hanging out back in high school. He was telling me about his plans for that stupid car of his. He was asking about me and Edward breaking up, and it was clear to me that this dream was taking place during that time when we _did_ break up.

"Anyway, it was always the same - we'd sit there talking about that damn car and the break up. But then, it started getting worse."

"Worse?" Alice asked cautiously.

"Yeah, I uh - he was telling me that he always knew that Edward would end up hurting me, and that he never would, and I remember thinking that he was right. Jake was one of my best friends back then. I never thought my friend would hurt me the way Edward had. And that temporary break that Edward and I had _did_ hurt. So in the dream, he moved a little closer to me and put his arm around me to comfort me.

"But he didn't stop there. I suppose if he did, Edward never would have left me in real life." I was on the verge of tears and it frustrated me. It was a dream, not reality -even if it did have a very real response from Edward.

I looked at Alice, her face full of empathy. I averted my eyes back to the floor and continued. "He kissed my cheek and told me that he would never leave me and that he was a better choice for me. He said he loved me. He kept saying all the right things - he loved me, would never leave me, never hurt me . . ."

I felt the tremors starting and hated that something as stupid as dream was doing this to me.

"I felt that I could trust him. I mean, he was always there for me - like a damn woobie or something. He pulled me closer to him and started stroking my hair. At first, it felt so good to have that human connection, to have someone touch me. I sighed a few times ... that must have been the start of what Edward heard.

"But then he started to touch me more intimately, and at first I didn't reject it. I enjoyed it, actually - his hands caressing my back, his fingers brushing through my hair. Then he took it further. He moved his hands to my hips and turned me to him, and then he grabbed my breast and my ass. He made it _very _clear that he didn't want to stop at kissing."

"Oh," Alice whispered.

"He pushed me down on the ground; his hands were all over me as were his lips. I asked him to stop, but it was only a whisper. You know how you lose strength in dreams and can't yell when you really want to? It was like that. I knew that I wanted to fight him, that what he was doing wasn't right, and I tried, but nothing changed. I could hear myself screaming but he never did. It was like he never knew how desperately I was fighting him. He pressed his body against mine and said he would always love me. I kept fighting him ..." My words trailed off and the tears started to fall. "Why, Alice? Why would I dream that about Jacob? He's my friend and he would _never_ force himself on me, so why the hell did I dream that he did?"

"I don't know, sweetie," she said, comforting me as she wiped my tears away.

"It's fucked up. I hadn't talked to Jacob for like forever, so why would I dream that? And how the hell could Edward mistake my being attacked in a dream as my _wanting _to sleep with Jake?"

Alice's eyes were tense with emotions. "I don't know, Bella, but you need to tell Edward this."

"No! I'm not telling him. He never bothered talking to me about it then, and I've only recently remembered it. If he'd only asked me, I could have told him that I had no clue what I was dreaming about, but he didn't. He didn't, Alice. He left me. He fucking _left me!_"

The wall finally crumbled and I broke.

"He left me, Alice. Why would he leave me? Wasn't I enough for him? Was he just looking for a reason to leave me? Was I so horrible for him?" I asked through my tears.

"Bella, you _need_ to tell him this. He didn't leave you to hurt you. He left to try to give you want he thought you wanted."

"How could he think I wanted Jake? He knew he was the only one I ever loved. Hell, everyone knew. It wasn't as if we kept being together a secret or that Jacob was an ass and kept trying to break us up. I mean, I know Jake had feelings for me then, but he's not a jerk. Shit! Even after Jake came back, I couldn't do it. I could never sleep with him. No matter what I might have felt for him, I kept thinking how _wrong_ it felt. He never pushed me, not once. It was always up to me when we would finally have sex, but I just couldn't. That night when Edward called? I was going to, but even the fact that we were so close and had been together for a while - it just felt like something was off, that something was missing."

"Bella . . ."

"He left me over a dream, Alice. He thought I was _fucking_ Jacob in a_ dream_. Like I have control over that?" My tears turned to rage and I started to see red.

"Because he loves you enough to give you what he thought you needed and wanted. He's still doing it, sweetie. Right now, he's doing it."

"Ha, I doubt that," I said sarcastically.

Alice reached for my hands. "I know you don't want to see this right now, but he is. He talks about you every day. He asks me if you are ok. He knows he hurt you, and he knows you don't want him back but it hasn't stopped him loving you. You have to believe me."

"I can't, Alice. It hurts too much to believe that. He'll just find another reason to leave me," I said as a new wave of pain and tears hit me.

"I can't change what he did, but I can tell you no one wishes they could more than him. That's a solid fact."

"I wish that were true, I really do. But like my dad says, you can't un-ring the bell."

"I get that, I really do, but you loved him so much once upon a time. Can't you just tell him about this? Even if it won't change anything, and even if it won't fix the damage done? He is still in love with you, Bella, and not too long ago, you loved him, too."

"What's cooking in here, girls? It smells great!" Charlie said as he entered my house, placing an announcing knock on the door before he opened it.

"I'll be right back. I can't let my dad see me like this," I said as rushed past Alice and booked up the backstairs, avoiding my dad completely.

I ran cold water over my face, the reapplied the minimal make-up I'd been wearing before my crying fit. Alice's words were foremost in my thoughts. I knew she meant well, and I probably should tell Edward. Telling her had been hard enough, how could I tell _him_? He so convinced himself I wanted Jacob, for him to find out he was mauling me would be just another kick to his gut. Much as I liked that option, I just couldn't do it to him.

Alice was right - once upon a time, I did love him and according to her, he still loved me.

I sank to the floor of the bathroom, clutching my knees to my chest, tears raining down my face, and felt everything I'd refused to feel for months.

I still loved Edward. God help me, but I did.


	12. Collide

_Just a few chapters left on this little story. Thank you all for reading it and staying with me through all of the dry spells in updating. The next chapter is pretty much done, save for some revisions and additions._

_Thanks to all of you for reading this - I'm amazed you have taken a chance on a version of NM that is clearly very different._

_"Tom," You rock!_

_Ficwife, thank you for reading this one even though I know what it does to you. HEA coming soon. I promise._

_Disclaimer: SM owns the real version and the characters. I own this version._

It had been several days since my talk and subsequent break down before dinner. Even though I had been so sure what I needed to do when I had talked to Alice, in the days that followed, I wavered. Hell, I didn't waiver, I withdrew.

I was tortured. I was broken. I'd been to Hell, and slowly, I had managed to drag myself out. I swore I would never let Edward hurt me again, and yet, here I was . . . hurting. But this time, the hurt was not because he left me, it was because he still loved me and I still loved him.

I wanted to be strong and fight against all the things that told me to stay clear of him. I wanted to never feel the hurt that loving him so completely had cause. I feared letting him back in would only be opening the door to allow him to hurt me again. As soon as that thought processed, a new and more painful and truthful one emerged. Was I only staying away to hurt him just as he had hurt me? Did I want the pain I felt to be felt deeper with him in his own mind? But more frightening – did I only want to be with him simply because he was broken, too, or because I was actually, and amazingly, finding that I wanted and needed him issues be damned? I was too conflicted - I had a life without him, or so I thought. But with time and distance, I was starting to see that it was vacant and hollow. Sure, I went about my day and tried to move on and move past him, but it was never anything real or true. It was an illusion of what life would be if I had the strength to fight him. But I didn't. And I never would.

In the entire time I had known him, I never had the strength to stay away from him. Was I only doing it now to spite him? I could feel my body and soul calling to him, so how was I able to now find that strength when I never had before? My mind tried to let me see that allowing him back in _was _being strong, but I refused to hear its message. My base intellect told me he was emotionally ruined, a shell of a man thanks to his own actions and if I asked him to crawl over glass to earn my forgiveness, he would. No questions asked. However, could I _really_ forgive him? Neither of us would forget this, but could _I_ actually forgive him? Could I ever get to a place where the pain he caused me, the heartache and self-doubt, would not be brought up in an angry moment? Could I actually go to sleep at night without fearing that he would leave me again? Moreover, did I really need to live in a world where I fear him doing that? I was worth more than that, I always had been, but I was too blinded by the pain to truly see it.

I needed to talk to Jacob, if for no other reason, but to try to see this as clearly as possible. If there was any chance, any _real _chance he would still want me or would fight for me if I chose Edward, I had to know. I had to make sure that there wasn't going to be a third heart broken by all of this. He was the one that picked up the pieces after Edward left; he was the one that let me know it was okay to laugh again, and that there wasn't something wrong with me. He was my friend first, and no matter how close we may have come to starting something, we hadn't. I believed him when he said he loved me, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I always question if I loved him because it was true, or if it was that he took the pain away and made me feel human again. But even if that were true, that surely wasn't a reason to love someone, was it? He took care of me, he looked after me, and he had walked away to give me time and space to sort this Edward-mess out. But was he hurting? Would I only end up doing to Jake the same thing Edward did to me? In that moment, I realized I was no longer angry with Edward for the actual act of leaving, but was I still angry with him for the lie? Would my rejecting Jacob be a lie, too? Or would my lying to Edward that I didn't need him be the real lie? And who could I hurt without guilt? The man who left me or the man that threw me to the wolves?

No matter how I viewed this, someone was going to end up hurt. Whether it was Edward, me, or Jake – someone was going to leave this mess hurt and confused.

I knew what I had to do. I had to talk to Jake. My heart kept telling me that he wasn't the one that I needed, that it was Edward, but I refused to listen. I simply had too many questions in my mind – knowing somehow when I heard what Jacob had to say, I would finally let my heart be heard over the constant yelling of my mind.

It wasn't easy to make the call and ask him to meet me for lunch the following day. His voice didn't portray any emotion yet showed the friendship he always claimed would be there no matter what. It would end up being the hardest conversation I would ever have with him.

"Spill it, Swan. Why are we meeting for lunch here?" Jacob asked, motioning with his fast food cup at the vista just beyond the cliffs edge.

"Well, I remember you saying that this was one of your favorite places when you were growing up, so . . ."

He smirked at me. "So you just thought because you were the only one I ever told that to that meeting me here would guarantee that I wouldn't hit you with an Edward-ambush, right?"

Crap. I hated it when he pegged me.

"No." I looked at him. He wasn't buying it. "Alright, fine, Jacob. That is a part of it, but you have to believe me when I tell you there really is another reason for picking this spot."

"Really?" he asked, still smirking. "And what might that be?"

I choked on the words even though I was yet to say them. I knew I had to do this, but it didn't make it any easier.

"Jake, remember how I said that I had no idea about the dreams that I was having?" I waited for him to connect with what I was saying. His eyes squinted slightly when he remembered; he nodded his head in confirmation. "Well, a few weeks ago, I remembered it. Like all of it."

"Okay. Why does this not sound like a good thing?" Jacob asked, his eyes still squinted.

I laughed nervously. "Yeah, well, it's not like it really happened, but – it . . . shit. Why can't I tell you this? It's not like you would actually _do_ what you did in that dream, right?"

"Whoa, 'do what I did?' What did I do in this dream, Bella?" Jacob shifted on the rock he was seated on and gave me a stern look. I fought for the right words when he said, "Bella, you know I love you and I value the friendship we have had. But you better just swallow the nerves and tell me."

He was right. I needed to tell him. If I could tell him, I could tell Edward. And the fact was, I _had_ to tell them both.

"I dreamt that you and I were kissing, and then you were trying to force me into doing more."

I couldn't look at him; I kept my eyes to the ground and swallowed hard.

"Excuse me?"

Sighing, I finally brought my eyes back to his and said, "Do you remember back in high school when Edward and I broke up? Well, I was dreaming about that, and you were there trying to help me. And it was nice, you holding me and trying to make it better. It was safe. We talked about your car and how Edward would only hurt me. We kissed, and I really liked it – you kissing me and touching me . . . but then it all changed."

"Shit," Jake muttered.

"You were kissing me and practically forcing yourself on me. Jake, I know you would never do that to me, but in this dream – it was so real. I tried to fight you and you wouldn't listen and -"

". . . and that is what Edward heard. Shit."

"Yeah, I mean, I didn't object at first, Jake. I know he must have heard that much, but I can't understand how he missed the rest."

"He was angry, Bella. Your girlfriend is having a make out session with her best friend – he was bound to only focus on that part. Did you say my name?" Jacob's face was etched with concern.

I nodded quickly confirming that I had said his name.

"Well no wonder he hates me."

"He doesn't hate you, Jake." I tried to convince him.

Jacob cocked his head to the side, ran his hand over his stubble; his eyes showed me he was clearly trying to decide something.

"Bella, did I tell you that I met him at the diner? I felt so damned bad for the guy – he looked gutted. I could see in him everything I saw in you. And well, I wanted to help him get you back."

"You did what?" I asked, not bothering to hide my shock.

He took a long breath matched with an even longer blink of his eyes. "I met with him to try to help him get you back."

"What? When? Why?" I suddenly felt betrayed.

"Right after he came back, he and I met up. He looked so damned broken, Bella. And I saw that same look with you for the past year. It didn't make sense why he left, but he did. Regardless, he's back and it was clear he wasn't going to ever give up. So I tried to help him."

I tried to calm the rage that was building in me, but the hurt wasn't going down with a fight. "And in this grand scheme, did it ever occur to you that I may _not_ want him back? _Ever_?"

"Come on, Bella. You know that isn't true," he stressed.

"What the hell? He _left_ me, Jacob. Over a fucking dream that he never once asked me about. You were there. You saw what that shit did to me. Why the hell are you so willing to help him?"

"Because, Bella," he answered flatly.

"'Because, Bella'? That's your defense? What is that?"

Jacob sighed heavily before he shifted to face me on the large boulder we were sitting on. "Bella, listen to me. He feels like shit for this. The man is broken. He's a shell. He knows you probably are never going to forgive him. He went so far as to tell me that if I was the one that made you happy, he would step aside and let it happen. He would never stand in the way of you being happy."

I considered what Jacob was saying and in a flash, everything I felt for Jacob came flooding back right along with every ounce of betrayal and pain Edward caused. I felt safe and warm with Jacob. I felt protected. It felt as if nothing could ever get close enough to hurt me again – except Jacob himself. He wanted me in his life, he wanted me to be his girlfriend, and I was so tempted to give in to that. He would never hurt me – that fact was overriding everything.

With Edward, there was only pain and confusion. Every time I thought about bringing him back into my life, I feared he would end up realizing what a mistake he had made –again. I couldn't lose him twice; the pain would kill me for sure. I hadn't realized just how terrified I was of Edward hurting me again until that moment. It froze me and filled me with a terror I had never felt before.

I tried to breath, but I felt as if I was suffocating. I couldn't even think clearly about my conversation with Alice. My mind barely remembered how sure she was, how confident she seemed. I thought I had figured out the 'Edward thing,' but being with Jacob again and feeling that security of never again feeling pain and self-doubt, nor wondering when the other shoe would drop again were far too tempting to ignore. Jacob would never hurt me. I couldn't guarantee Edward wouldn't.

Fear and panic took over. I had to protect myself from the pain and the answer lay before me like a lighthouse calling a ship to the shore. I couldn't ignore the brightness of the light nor the safety I knew lay within that harbor versus the fear of the darkness of the moon. I couldn't help being drawn to the sun and all its warmth and security. Nor could I ignore just how much the uncertainty of the moon scared me.

"Jake, I lov -" I started only to be cut off.

He shook his head, a sad look on his face. "No, you don't. Not like I want you to."

"Jake, I do. I lov-"

"Bella, you think . . ." he sighed heavily. He clamped his eyes tight, his chest raised and lowered quickly, and he shook his head slightly. When he opened his eyes, I saw so many things just waiting to be said, but he only said one. "Maybe for someone else that would be enough. But it isn't for me. "

Confusion and pain from his words hit me and left me weak. "I thought you loved me. Why are you saying this?"

"1Because you love him, Bella. Don't make him spend the rest of his life paying for a mistake you could've fixed if you weren't being so stubborn." He didn't look at me, instead finding something that helped his fixed stare on the earth below his feet. "Believe me, this isn't how I would have wanted things between us to go. But I can't fight fate any better than you can."

"But you love me," I whispered.

Jacob toed at a pebble near the toe of his shoe. He took a second to respond, and when he did, he stole the breath from my lungs. "But you _love_ him. You never really did _love me_, you know that."

"I do." I tried to mask the pain but it wasn't possible.

"No, not like him. You can't live without him, Bella." He brought his eyes back to mine, and there was something in them I hadn't seen before. "Bella, I got over being in love with you once a long time ago. He hasn't ever been able to, and he won't."

I could feel him slipping away from me. I was losing ground and the heat that Jacob radiated was slipping away much like the sun setting beyond the horizon. Desperately, I grasped at something I didn't think Jacob would reject or would question or argue. "He will if I tell him that I love you and we're getting married."

Anger flashed across Jacob's face. Quickly, he stood up from the large rock, walked a few steps away from me, his hands buried in his short hair. "Damn it, Bella. No! I'm not going to let you do this. I didn't say a word when you let him believe we'd slept together, even though I should have. I would love more than anything for that to have been true. But I'm not going to let you do this. Not to him."

I stood up and walked to him, my anger finally erupted. "Since when do you care about him? You never did before, why start now?"

Jacob's face softened as he spoke, his voice softened from the harsh tone it had been. "Because I've seen what being back here and what not being _with_ you is doing to him. Trust me, I liked it at first -the thought that he felt some of the pain you did when he first left. It was great to see him like that. It all but made my day. But then I saw in him exactly what I saw in you when I got back to town – the pain, the heartbreak, the soul-crushing sadness and depression. Hell, Bella, he probably can't breathe from the pain of it all. How can I let you lie to him when I know you're heart is lying, too. He loves you to the depth of his soul, and you love him to the depth of yours. You're just to stubborn too admit it.

"What I would give for you to love me that way, but you won't. You never will. I know that, and I have to help you do what's right. I've loved you almost my entire life, but you were never _in _love with me. I don't think you ever could be. You gave Edward your heart years ago and I knew my place then just as much as I do know. I'm destined to be your friend, Bella," he said, his voice breaking.

"That's not true, Jake," I tried to argue, the hurt showing in my words.

"It is, Bella. I saw it when I was with you, even though I tried not to. Believe me, I wanted to see you look at me the way I know you looked at him. I wanted you to kiss me with your entire being, but you couldn't. One of us has to be strong enough to admit the truth here. Do you think years from now I want the 'us' that I always dreamed about to be a lie? To wonder if when we're in bed, it's him you're thinking about? I can't do it. Neither can you," he finished, his voice cracking toward the end, his eyes welling with unshed tears.

The tears slipped silently down my cheeks. He was right, and I hated him for it.

"Bella, you know I love you. And in some other universe, you loving me would be enough, but it isn't."

I nodded my understanding. My throat tightened making it almost impossible to speak. "What if he doesn't want me?"

Jake took a step closer to me and wrapped me in his arms. "He'll always want you, Bella."

"He didn't once," I said through choked tears.

"No, even then he wanted you." Jake kissed the top of my head. "Talk to him, Bella. You will see I'm right. I would never let any harm come to you."

Pressing my head against Jacob's monstrous chest, I once again nodded. "What if he decides I'm not worth all this, Jake? What if he is tired of asking me to listen and forgive him?"

"He won't, I promise."

"But what if he does? What if I put myself out there and he just swings the ax one final time and that's it? Done and over. What if I already missed the chance to at least _talk_ to him?" A fresh wave of tears slid down my cheeks, staining Jacob's shirt.

"Not likely. And, Bella? You will always have my friendship and my love. Forever. No matter what happens with Edward."

A sad laugh escaped me. "Even if it kills me?"

Jacob rested his chin on my head. "Yeah, even then."

Between talking to both Alice and Jacob, I knew calling Edward and talking this out was the right thing to do, but I couldn't stop the "flight" part of the "fight or flight" instinct. Alice was right. Jacob was right. I wanted to be right – that if I just kept running from him, that the pain wouldn't return the minute I let him back in. I wanted to protect myself from ever feeling the way I had for the past year. But there was something that told me they were right, and I was wrong. They seemed so sure of their words, where I felt as if I was in a constant tornado of emotions when I thought of forgiving Edward. The fog that had settled and blocked me from ever seeing things with Edward was starting to lift, and what I saw scared me.

After three failed attempts to dial his number, his cell phone rang until voice mail picked up.

"Uh, Hi. It's me. Uh . . . I think we need to talk, so call me - if you want to. Talk that is." I stammered the message and felt stupid and foolish for it.

Then I waited. I waited for a call from him that I didn't know if I would get. My mind raced through the list of "what if's," each one ending in near dread and panic. What if he never called back? What if he did and I didn't answer? What if we talked and he decided I was too messed up to deal with? What if he did want to work things out and I was the one that changed my mind?

Shortly after seven that night, my phone rang. Cautiously, I picked it up to see that it was my dad calling.

"Hey, short stack. How are you today?"

I smiled warmly hearing the long-since-forgotten nickname my father had given me as a child. "I'm okay. How are you, Dad?"

"Great. I'm actually calling to let you know that your pop has a date tonight. I know, stop the presses, right?" Charlie sounded happier than I had heard him in years.

My smile grew. "That's great, Dad. With who?"

"Sue Clearwater of all people. I ran into her today at Newton's, and we got to talking. I have to tell you, Bells, it feels strange to ask out your friend's widow."

"Dad, Harry died like almost ten years ago. I think if Sue were happy, that would be all that Harry would care about," I encouraged.

"I'm glad you think that way, Bells."

He was?

"You are?" Oh lord, what had I walked into?

"Yeah," he slowly started. "Well, I better get going. I've got to get out to Sue's and pick her up. Wish your old man luck."

"Good luck, Dad. I'm happy for you."

"Yeah, me, too. Call you tomorrow for a run down?" he asked. I could hear his keys jangle and the door opening.

"Sure, Dad. I'll be here."

"Great. Bye, Bells. I love you, kid."

"I love you, too, Dad."

I hung up the phone and smiled my first genuine smile in weeks. Charlie had a date and was moving on with his life. Finally! He had one date that I could recall, but I was still in high school and nothing came of it. I often hoped he would find someone again, someone to share his life with. He is a great man, and any woman would be lucky to have him as hers.

My cell phone buzzed with a text alert, breaking me from my thoughts of how happy I was for my father.

_I found something for you today at Newton's. I left if on your front porch, Short Stack._

I laughed reading the text. Frankly speaking, there was nothing at Newton's that I would ever need considering it was an outdoor sporting store, but knowing Charlie, it was something only a father would think his daughter would need. Say . . . a can of pepper spray perhaps.

I left the kitchen and went to the front door. Turning the knob, I opened the door wide and before I could look to the front porch decking, I saw Edward down on the walkway, his hand on the railing of the stairs.

I saw a faint glimpse of what Jacob was talking about in Edward's face before his expression changed. He looked lost, hopeless, and broken. As soon as he realized I saw him, his face shifted. His brows relaxed from their pensive position, his eyes changed from a pained squint to one that was more open, but still pained.

I nodded to him, my heart in my throat and tears stinging my eyes, turned, and went inside the house to wait for him.

_I hope you know where Bella's head is at and agree with her in the end. I am thinking there are only going to be three more chapters left after this, maybe two. As I mentioned, the next chapter is already written, it just needs some touch-ups._

_I would love to hear from you!_


	13. Never Think

_Author's Chapter Notes:_

_So close to the end. Probably two chapters left._

_Thanks to my personal "Tom" for reading this one over and over and proofing! You rock! Thanks to my ficwife for always reading chapters, even though I know it kills her to._

_Disclaimer: No harm intended in borrowing the characters._

EPOV

I sat in the small cottage set back in the woods a good distance from my parent's house. My mother had kept me busy working on the restorations since I returned to Forks. She loved her pet projects and it soon occurred to me that the cottage wasn't the project - I was.

The cottage wasn't in disrepair, but it was in need of basic repairs - paint, new blinds, some basic landscaping, the usual things needed to spruce something up. The toughest of which was spending an entire weekend spreading new gravel for the driveway that lead off the main drive back to the small, stone cottage. It had been backbreaking, but also allowed for soul searching. Sometimes my mother knew what I needed and when. It was her gift.

My parents' house was far enough outside of town that it allowed for a calm I hadn't had in over a year. No cars drove the streets, no neighbors to distract or to hear, nothing. Just the sounds of the thick, green forest. It was quiet, almost too quiet most nights, but it gave me the silence I needed to think.

I had spent every waking hour thinking about what I had done the year before, how cold and cruel I had been to the love of my life. How heartless I was to her as I spoke the lies that would tear us apart. They were just that - lies. I loved Bella more than life. I wanted a life with her, a future, everything. She was my reason for everything I did, and I destroyed her.

I had no right to live.

I had no right to be back here, begging her to forgive me but here I was doing just that.

The few times I had seen her since I returned were like being in heaven only to end up in hell. The sight of her, the smell of her, the sound of her voice -even filled with anger and hatred - filled my pathetic soul and heart. Even when Bella filled her words with venom, loathing, and pain, I wanted to hear every word just to hear her voice, to be in the same room with her, to actually feel again. I closed myself off the night I realized what she was dreaming about. I stopped feeling when I got to the meadow. I had to. I took her there for the most selfish of reasons. We had so many wonderful memories in the meadow; I hoped they would somehow shelter us from what I was there to do. That they would somehow cocoon us from the full weight of what my actions would bring forth. I knew nothing could ever truly protect us, but even if the meadow could lessen the blow, the pain, I had to take it.

I arrived in Italy, stone cold and emotionally shut down. It was the only way I knew to try to survive leaving her. I thought being half a world away from her would stop the pain, would make it easier to leave her in my past and let her get on with her future. There was no future for me without her in it, but she clearly didn't want me - her dreams proved that. I fought the urge to write her, to call her, to email her. I fought daily to let her be, to try to heal and get past the pain I caused. I thought of her every second of every day. I felt the pull to her just as I always had but she didn't want me. I wasn't sure how long that had been the case, but her dreams always spoke the truth that she was too afraid to say awake. I tried to be close to her, to hold her and make love to her, but she pulled away from me. I knew then she didn't want me.

I tried to think of the best way to handle things - but in the end, I had no clue. If she wanted Jacob, I would let her. I could fight for her, for us, but I couldn't stop her from wanting someone that wasn't me. True, I could do everything and anything a desperate man would do, but I knew, even back in high school, that Jacob was someone about whom I had to be worried. He was the best friend that clearly wanted more. She politely refused him saying she was in love with me, but I could tell that it hurt her to do that. It was only a matter of time before I became the old, broken toy and she went looking for the shiny new one.

All these years later, it finally happened. She wanted out of what we had, and I had to let her.

I collected my emotions, my better judgment, and myself and broke things off with her. I was an ass taking her to our meadow to do it, and an even bigger one to leave her there. As I spoke the words that would change our lives, it was painfully clear how wrong coming to the meadow had been. Each step she took as she walked away ripped at my heart and soul until there was nothing left. Nothing but pain, loneliness, sorrow, and anger. I was so angry with myself for not standing up for us, for demanding that she explain to me when her feelings changed.

I realized only after I received a call from my father that she had become a shell of a person. Completely broken and lost since I left. He signed the house over to her in the first months after I had gone to try to give her some grounding, but it didn't work. My father was quick to tell me that there was no one else in her life - a fact I was sure he had wrong, but prayed was true. It was after she cut her hand and seemed so devastated and lost that he called me again. Needless to say, my father was less than thrilled with how I had treated Bella. Hell, my entire family was angry over it. While Bella and I were never married - no matter how much I wished we were - they viewed her as member of the family. They clearly chose her in the break up, and frankly, I would have too. My father told me that she looked so lifeless and fractured; it wasn't surprising she cut her hand as severely as she had. I cringed when he told me how hollow she looked in the ER. I actually threw up when he told me Jacob was there and would be taking her home. In all those months, every call or email from my family regarding Bella, she was alone. Alone and in pain, and now she was with Jacob. My pain reached new heights. I had hoped that I had been wrong and she didn't want him, but there he was, in my place, next to her in the hospital. It killed me once again.

The knowledge that Jacob was at the hospital with her filled me with feelings I couldn't explain. It took great strength to not call her and ask her what took so damn long in bringing him back into her life, but the coward in me won out. She picked him and it was over between us.

Yet, the longer I was gone, the more I wanted to call her and tell her I had been so stupid. That I wanted to be with her, to marry her, and beg her to forgive me for being such an ass and for breaking her heart. I wanted her to forget Jacob and pick me - foolish, I realize.

Weeks passed and I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to call her. Almost as if each day brought me closer to losing her forever. I fought against sleep night after night and finally, with the sun rose, I gave in and I called her. I wanted an answer to why she didn't tell me her feelings had changed, why she never told me she wanted Jacob, why she didn't leave me sooner, why I had to be the one to do it. I dropped to my knees when I heard her voice - so soft and alluring. She seemed so much like the Bella I loved - filled with passion and life. Then I heard _his_ voice and understood why._ He_ made her sound like that. Something so deep, so primal, raged within me knowing he was there and they were together - in our house. I knew in that moment, I had to come home.

The energy I felt from seeing her since my return was the first glimmer of my feeling anything since I left. I would continue to try to see her just to actually _feel_ something again.

Bella had shut me out. Every chance I had to talk to her, she closed the door and locked it. I didn't expect her to forgive me, far from it. I knew the minute she started to leave the meadow it would be the worst moment of my life, not to mention the most painful. I had been so sure leaving was what I needed to do. Yet, the minute the words feel from my mouth, I knew they were wrong. I knew they were lies and although they were meant to hurt Bella, they ended up killing us both. I had stolen everything safe and loving that ever existed between us.

I was kidding myself to think this could ever work between us again, but I would die trying. I would spend the rest of my life trying to earn at least a small amount of forgiveness. I knew it was practically a lost cause, but I had to keep trying. Bella was worth it and so much more. I had tried to talk to her, but it wasn't working. I needed help - but I didn't know to whom to go.

Then the unexpected happened: Jacob called.

Jacob offered to help, an act that floored me. I had been so sure for so long that he wanted to steal Bella away, and here he was offering to mediate between us. I was sure at first this was some part of his game, a way to guarantee Bella's hatred of me. When he told me he was on my side, I thought he was joking. Jacob was _never_ on my side. He knew I wasn't buying a word of it, but he persisted. He told me the truth about what went on between him and Bella. They had dated, and almost slept together - that fact rip my heart out. I wanted her happy; I believed my leaving would give her that. I had heard Jacob was back in town, a fact that allowed me to believe Jake would take her care of for the rest of her life. I knew she wanted him, I'd heard her say as much in her sleep, but the fact that he was living in our house stung. Hell, it gutted me. I wanted her happy, yes, but that night on the phone with her I realized something so fundamental, it ripped my heart out and made me think of myself as monster - I wanted her happy. However, I only wanted that if it she was happy with me.

Jacob had tried, truly he had. He used all forms of technology available to let me know when he talked to her and what she said. He told me he would gladly do all he could to help me at least get her to see how deeply sorry I was. He had. He had managed to open a door to her that was shut - the one she closed because of and regarding me. After our last conversation, I was starting to lose hope. That had been just a week before and I was more lost than ever on how to tell her what it was my soul longed to share.

I sat in the armchair, watching the wind push through the leaves and pine needles, and I thought of her. I spent the day doing nothing but thinking of her - no work, no family, and I ignored the few phone calls that rang to my mobile phone. I knew I probably should check my messages, but I had already avoided this level of soul searching and I couldn't avoid it any longer.

The unmistakable sound of gravel spinning by the tire tread pulled me out of my thoughts, announcing there was a visitor to the cottage. I didn't bother getting up, as the door was always unlocked. I would risk sleeping with the doors unlocked; welcoming whatever soul-less, dark creature of the night lurked in the woods of Forks for the chance that if Bella would ever want to come to me, there would be nothing stopping her - including a locked door.

Three steady knocks against the large, oak door followed the heavy steps walking on the gravel. I sighed heavily before I summoned the energy to stand and open it.

Jacob stood there, his eyes dark and lost, but resolute. "Cullen, we need to talk. This shit has gone on long enough."

"Hello, Jacob," I offered as I left him in the doorway and retreated to my chair.

Jacob stood in the doorway; arms folded defensively, and said, "Enough of this bullshit. You fucked this thing up - now fix it. Bella is all over the map with what she thinks she wants and needs and it couldn't be more wrong for her. Fix this, Cullen. I know things about this girl and this 'issue' that you left over. Believe me, it's not good."

"Great. Well, might as well kick a man when he's down," I said clearly having given up the fight.

He slammed the door and strode over to me. "Listen, Edward, you fucked up. Understood. But get this, I just had lunch with her - her idea I should add - and while I thought she was finally going to tell me to hit the bricks, she tried to convince me that I was the one she wants."

I glared up at him, sitting stock-still. "You drove all the way out here to tell me that? How considerate of you." If he had wanted to help me, he had a fucked up way of doing it. This latest comment spoke of completely the opposite.

Weeks before in the diner, he told me he was on my side and would do everything he could to help Bella see that even though I hurt her, even though I left, that I still loved her. He knew the life Bella had been living, he said he saw how deeply she missed me, and he saw how much she still loved me in spite of my action. He promised me he would walk away from her and that he didn't want to stand in the way. It didn't seem that Bella wanted the same thing.

"Why the hell are you not listening? She is grasping at the frayed ends of the rope here. She is trying to fight what she wants - which in case you haven't figured this out yet - is you."

"You just said she wants you," I replied flatly.

"No, you shit; she tried to convince _me_ that I was the one she wants. She can't convince herself of it, and do you know why?

"Because I killed that part of her? Hell, I killed every part of her," I said as I looked up at him, my jaw flexing from tension.

Jacob expelled a harsh breath. "No, because she doesn't want me. She probably never did."

I studied the simple pattern in the threadbare carpet at my feet. "She doesn't want me, either, Jacob. I can't go on pretending she does."

Jacob started pacing the small front room of the cottage, almost as if he was prowling - waiting for the right moment to attack. "Have you always been this stupid, Cullen? Have you always been so thick skulled and living the life of a martyr?"

The corner of my eye twitched. "Excuse me?"

"I told you once before what you leaving did to her, but I spared you the gory details. If you can't see that what she is doing is fighting _wanting_ you, then maybe it's time I painted that picture."

He stopped pacing and looked around the room, appraising where to sit. He elected for the small sofa under the window that looked out to the front of the cottage. "I don't know what it was like right after you ended things with her, but Charlie tried to tell me. The _pain_ in his voice . . . well if it's any indication of what Bella was like, it was brutal. He told me she didn't leave the house for weeks. He had to bring her groceries over just to make sure she had food to eat. He told me that she was crying every day and refused to do anything. I don't even know if she showered, to be honest. Charlie said it was as if simply breathing was too painful for her.

"Now before you go flying off the handle, Charlie only called me because he was concerned about her and didn't know who else to go to. He didn't think calling your dad or sister was a smart move - seeing as how they would just be a reminder of you and all. He must have told me fifty times he wasn't calling to let me know she was single.

"I told him I had been planning on coming back home anyway; my dad's just not doing as great as he used to, and I would come by to see her. Now, I'd be lying if I didn't think that this was finally my "in" with her, you being gone and her being broken hearted, I could just swoop in.

"But man, when I got here, when I _saw_ her, if fucking killed me. She had cut her hand and didn't even realize it. We're not talking a nick; we're talking a full-on gash, blood everywhere. She passed out, and I took her to your dad at the ER. After he stitched her up and dosed her ass into not feeling anything, they sent her home. I told him I would take care of her that night.

"I couldn't leave her. She was so broken and empty . . . and _lost_. I told her I would stay with her that night, and I did. Just looking at her was heartbreaking. It was like her physical pain didn't matter because it finally matched her emotional pain. I couldn't tell where one started and the other stopped. The stark lines of grief and despair were so deeply etched on her face. It was like she was physically there but mentally gone. When she slept that night, drugged as she was, she couldn't even breathe right. It was like she struggled for every breath that she took. Never mind the crying in her sleep or the times she whimpered your name."

"Jacob," I warned. "Don't."

"No, you need to hear this. You haven't had to deal with _this_ part of leaving her. You've dealt with her anger with you, but you never, _never_ had to deal with the desolation. The wretchedness of it all. Well guess what, Cullen. You're going to hear it."

I said nothing. I knew he was right. My head moved in a small nod of agreement.

"You tortured her soul, Cullen. You left a vacant, empty person who couldn't breathe without it causing immense agony. She second-guessed everything - every thought and action. She pulled away from her father, her friends, from school. Did you know she almost dropped out of school?"

My eyes shot to his, the shock of his statement almost like a slap across the face. "I can't hear anymore, Jacob."

"Too fucking bad!" His voice boomed, clearly showing the anger brewing. "I've dealt with this for months, _months_ while you sat back in Emo-ville and acted like it was just you that were hurting." His temper flashed as he let into me. "Pull your head out of your ass long enough and you'll see you almost killed her, Edward. God help me, I don't know how she survived it, but she did."

"You," I said in an anguished murmur.

"What?"

"You," I said, finding a small amount of strength to speak a bit louder. "She survived because of you."

"Damn right she did. I didn't leave her alone for weeks. I sat here, every night, and watched her cry herself to sleep. When she would wake up, and have the reminder that you weren't here - it was like watching it happen all over again."

"But you changed that. She said as much. So did you," I said, avoiding his glare.

"I tried. I knew I was never going to be enough. Do you have any idea how that felt, Edward? To come in second? To be loved with a fractured heart? You stole her from me, Edward. I was so close to actually having her - but then you came back," he said through gritted teeth.

I swallowed hard, felt my body start shaking, and tried desperately to control my breathing. It wasn't working. I was stuck between anger, grief, remorse, self-hatred, and heartbreak. I knew then how stupid and foolish my desire to come back and win her back had been. "I'll leave. She wants you so I will leave."

"Jesus! Don't you get it? You left and she should have been mine, but she wasn't. You killed her will to live and I tried to bring that back. I thought she wanted me, her body told me she did, but then you called and stole her right back. But I guess you can't steal what you haven't really lost, can you?" Jacob stood up and started pacing the floor again. I thought for a moment he might punch me - lay me flat on my ass - but he never did. He was practically seething and I couldn't argue with what he said.

"I don't deserve her," I confessed, the pain in my words choked my throat.

He stopped pacing and snapped to face me. "You're damn right you don't! But you're the one she wants. Fuck if I know why, but she does."

I swallowed the ebbing tears back. "She doesn't want me, Jacob," I said, my voice mirroring the full weight of pain and realization of just what I had done. I had always known, to some degree, but Jacob forced me to see this all from Bella's eyes . . . and heart.

"Yes. She does, Edward. She's never _not_ wanted you. Even after everything that happened between Bella and me - it was clear she wanted _you._ Even after we kissed, she said your name in her sleep. The first night I _almost_ made love with her, your name was the one she whispered as she dreamed. Fuck man, she's called me 'Edward' and I didn't correct her because I knew she didn't know and would deny it."

Hearing him speak of kissing her and making love to her, to _my Bella_, something snapped inside me. A primal desire and need to protect Bella from this wolf in sheep's clothing. I knew I had no claim to her or her body once I left, but I couldn't help the anger that grew deep within me at the thought of Jacob being intimate with her. With pure venom in my voice, I asked, "Did you?"

He stopped pacing, snapped his head in my direction, his lip curled slightly. "Did I what?" he asked, his words measured.

"Did you sleep with her? Did you take her to my bed and fuck her?" I asked. Every fiber of my being raged and it took what small amount of strength I had to not launch myself out of the chair and belt him.

"Don't. Ever. Ask. That. Again." Jacob grit his teeth, his shoulder shook and I thought for sure he'd hit me.

"I have a right to know."

"You don't have _any rights to her, Cullen_. You severed that when you decided to leave her over a fucking dream that she had. A dream that isn't what you think it is." He was calming down, unfortunately, I wasn't.

"A dream in which she wanted _you._"

"You don't know shit. You need to talk to her. It wasn't what you think it was about." His voice softened, his anger fading quickly.

"So what is in this for you?" I asked, becoming suspicious of his actions just like I had in the diner all those weeks before. "If I destroyed her so much, why would you want to help us get back together? What's your game, Jacob? What do you get out of this?"

Jacob sighed heavily. He closed his eyes and sank back down onto the sofa. He opened his hands and ran his palms against each other, his eyes on his hands. "As long as you exist, she'll never want me - or anyone else. It's the knowing you are alive that has kept her going. Not me. It's you, Edward. Always you."

"Why, Jake? Why when you yourself said it you were the one that started to bring her back, you almost had what you wanted. _You _were making her life better. If I'm so destructive to her life, why would you help me after what I did?"

"Hell if I know, but I've seen what being without you has done, and I can't live knowing that I could have done something to save her from the pain. Even if it meant helping your selfish ass."

"I can't believe that. Not after what I've done - after what you've told me." The words fell quietly; too much was riding on believing them.

"Jesus, after everything I've told you, you still think this is about you? This is about _her_. Bella built a wall after you left, and believe me, that fucker is huge. She barely let me over it, but you . . . you can destroy it. You can bring her back to life, make her whole. She wants you, always has. She's just too stubborn to believe it, accept it. She won't let anyone back in. Anyone . . . except you. Trust me on this on."

"I can't." I shook my head, willing myself to not accept his words.

"Christ! What more do I have to say to you? Do you want to know about my lunch with her? How she tried everything she could to convince me that _I_ loved _her? _She said she loved me, but the way she said it - it was like she was just going through the motions. Sure, there were emotions but - they weren't directed at me." He forced his eyes back to mine. "I talked to Alice before coming over here. Did you know about her little chat with Bella? The one where she had all but decided to take you back?"

The rapidly pounding heart in my chest slammed to my gut before it nearly stopped beating completely. "She what?" I asked, disbelief clouding my words.

"Alice talked to her, man. She really got through to what was bothering Bella. She wants _you_, but she is damn terrified you are going to hurt her again. Alice pretty much told her how miserable you are, how void of life you've become. I'd love nothing more than for you to wallow in that cesspool you created; but I can't do that to Bella. _I_ can't hurt her."

"You're better for her," I confessed.

Jacob stood quickly, clenched his fists, and growled, his entire body shaking slightly from the effort. "Fuck, Cullen! I'm _not_ better for her. I wish I was, I wish I could take her away from all of this pain and heartbreak, that I could love her without her _ever_ loving me back, and actually marry the girl like she wanted but I can't." He punched the last few words catching my attention.

"She asked you to marry her?" I asked, my lung void of air.

"Not directly, but she mentioned it. She seems to think forcing her feelings for me will undo the entire mess, but it won't. I told her I can't live my life _knowing_ that she is thinking of you. I can see how much she still loves you, how desperate that love is. You need to fix this, Cullen. Now. Today." He was standing a few feet away from me now and while he had calmed down, it was clear his emotions were still running high.

"Why? How? How can she still love me after all of this? It's not logical." My resolve was slipping. I was done fighting. He was either speaking the truth or feeding me a pack of lies - it didn't matter. He was right. This had to end. One way or another, it all had to end. I knew the answer to this last question held the key.

He was quiet for a solid few minutes. He stood still on the middle of the room, his head hung low, breathing long breaths, his arms crossed over his chest. Finally, he lowered his hands to his waist, raised his head and said, "You're a part of her. You always have been. Neither of you can shake this and you're not supposed to. You screwed up, fine. It's over. She's been to hell and only you can pull her the rest of the way out. But even after all this shit, she still loves you and needs you just as much as you need her and love her. Isn't that reason enough to try? To believe?"

I sat in the chair, motionless. My mind both accepting and rejection all of our conversation. I replayed the events from the past year - the heartbreak Bella had suffered at my words and actions, the deep ache in my chest when I thought about her, the hate and loathing in her eyes when she looked at me since I came back - it was all so clear. Then I remembered the one conversation I had with her when I thought she had taken me back. I had hope then only to have it stripped away. Yet here I was, hearing this all again and for the first time something clicked. Jacob intended to hurt me with all of the things he said but he also give me hope, and the message was clear. I had to go to her and try for the last time.

"Is she home?" I asked, resolutely.

"Yup. I called Charlie before I came over here. She's in for the night . . . not that she actually ever _goes_ anywhere any more."

The comment struck me in the center of my chest. Once I could breathe again, I stood up and said, "Thank you, Jacob. Thank you for being there when I wasn't, for trying to pick up the pieces and being there for her."

"I didn't do it for you," he said, cooly.

"I meant for her. She'll never thank you for this, but I can."

Jacob pulled a tight smile, nodded his head, and that was that. End of subject. I grabbed my keys off the small dining room table and walked to the door. There was no mistaking where I was going.

"Hey, Edward?" Jacob asked. I stopped in the threshold and looked back at him. His expression was set, his words spoken honestly and without agenda. "I never did sleep with her."

I nodded at him but inside, it felt as if a massive weight had been lifted. I was still the only one she had ever been with, just as she was for me. I felt as if I could breathe for the first time in a year. When I was in the safety and solitude of my car, I broke. My chest ached and the tears welled up stinging my eyes. For the first time in over a year, I actually believed she loved me. Whether or not she took me back was another, much larger issue. If she rejected me, at least I could go to my grave knowing she at least loved me. That would have to be enough.

I drove down the gravel driveway, my heart hammering in my chest. I was facing either my doom or my salvation. It was in Bella's hands now. It was up to her to save me or condemn me - and I would take whatever sentence she delivered.

Parking on the street at the edge of the driveway, I turned the car off; my hands gripped the steering wheel as I tried to summon every ounce of courage to face my fate. Large bushes and an ornate flowerbed obstructed my full view of the house and that of the car from the house. The seconds ticking by on my wristwatch was echoing off the car's interior, and filled my heart with dread and anticipation.

I wasn't sure how long I had sat there, waiting for a sign that would never come, telling me it was the right minute, the right second, to leave the car. Yet it never came. I didn't think it would. I would just need to put my hand on the latch and open the door, but doing so felt like a death sentence the hope I had held onto all this time.

Time seemed to stop as I thought about everything Jacob had said, the conversations I had with Bella since I came back, and the hardest of all, I thought about when I broke her heart. It had killed me, too, but I knew it was coming, she didn't. How could I have been so heartless, so cold, so inhuman as to do that to someone I loved? I had rationalized it then, chastised myself now. There was simply no reason, no excuse that would ever take the pain away, or allow my thoughts and actions to make sense. I knew now how wrong I had been to not talk to her, hot cruel I had been to do what I had. I was a dick, an ass, a fuck-up, and I didn't deserve her love. But Jacob did. He didn't hurt her, he didn't lie to her, and he tried to save her when I tried to destroy her. He was a better man than I was. Yet, talking with him, he seemed so sure that I_ was_ who Bella loved with her soul and her heart. I wanted to believe that, and there was only one way to find out.

The rapping on the window caused me to jump in the seat. I had been so deep in thought; I hadn't noticed anyone else on the street. Looking out the driver's window, I was stunned to see Chief Swan standing with full authority outside. His stance that of his position as an officer having pulled someone over. I didn't even think to turn the car on to roll the window down; instead, I finally opened the door that had been sealed shut from my own cowardice.

"Hello, Edward," Chief Swan said, his hands resting on hips, and sounding very much like the police officer that intimidated me as a teenager.

"Hello."

His eyes shifted from me to the house before they came back and firmly met mine. "Make it a habit of sitting in a parked car in front of single girl's house?"

"No, sir." My heart thumped in my throat. This man made me more nervous than a pack of wolves nipping at my heels would have.

He looked me over, seeming to assess my motive, his eyes hard and unyielding. "Well, then what exactly are you doing outside this house?"

"Thinking. Sir." All the nerves I had felt at seventeen came flooding back to me. I always questioned if Bella's father thought I was good enough for his daughter. I wondered if he was thinking the very thought now.

His eyes focused on me, sizing me up almost. His jaw flexed before he took a deep breath, let it out, and said, "You know when Bella was little, she had this stubborn streak. Used to drive her mother and me nuts. If we asked her to eat something, she would refuse to until it was her idea. Usually at the end of the meal, when Renee was doing dishes. After her mom and I divorced, it seemed to lessen, but she still had that trait in her. When she moved back her after her mom remarried, I had hoped she would start dating Jacob - they grew up together. Well, to a certain degree. Every time I would bring it up or Bill and Jake would come over, I could see that look in her eyes that I saw so often when she was little. Didn't matter how good of friends they were, she wasn't going to listen to me when I suggested they date."

This wasn't the conversation I wanted to hear just then. I needed to build my confidence to talk to Bella, not be reminded of why her father had thought Jacob was a better match.

He continued. "When she told me she was going out with you, I was sure it was a part of her stubborn streak; I thought she was just trying to get me to clam up about the whole Jacob thing. But the thing is, Edward, I realized early on that you really were what was better for her. I knew she and Jake weren't a great match, but I thought maybe if I pushed it, she would see they weren't terrible either.

"Edward, I may have suggested she date Jake, but I only wanted to make sure she was with you for the right reasons - that it wasn't simply to prove her point or something."

"I understand, sir," I replied.

We stood facing each other for a few seconds; neither of us said a word. I steeled myself against what I knew was coming. If I were a dad, I would say what I thought Bella's father was going to say to me - he wanted me leave his daughter alone.

"You messed up, kid," he said with a harsh edge to his words.

My body swayed slightly under the weight of a father's word. "I know I did, sir."

Charlie crossed his arms over his chest, and took another long, deep breath. The silence hung heavy around us. Then in a flash, I knew I needed to say. "But I will do everything in my power to make this right."

His eyes locked on mine, his brows pulled together slightly. The tension seemed to ease slightly, and he said, "I know you will, son. You see, Edward, I know my daughter is stubborn, always has been. When she makes up her mind about something, she never changes it." He paused, clearly wanting me to think about what he was saying. "The point is, Edward, she's talking to you. She hasn't refused to do that. She made up her mind about you a long time ago. Seven years ago to be exact."

Chief Swan looked toward the house. "Suppose you better get in there. Does she know your coming?"

The nerves kicked in again, my knees went weak in response. "No, sir. She doesn't."

He looked back at me and chuckled. "Well, good luck with that." He clapped me on the shoulder and smiled. "Oh, can I bother you to take something up to her? I was over at Newton's this afternoon and I saw something she might need so I picked it up."

An odd request, but I could hardly say no. "Yes, sir. I can take it up to her."

Chief Swan returned to his car to collect the bag and returned to me. "Good luck, son."

"Thank you, sir."

I stood, unmoving, as I watched Bella's father return to his cruiser. As the cruiser turned the corner, I knew I couldn't put this off any longer. I pulled a deep breath, walked toward the house, and there she stood on the front porch.

My heart dropped at the sight of her and every hope and fear I had collided. I had prayed ever night that she would forgive. However, even I knew what I had done was unforgivable. I walked away from her, our life, and stole every ounce of safety and trust in the process. I loved her so deeply that I could not stand in her way of what she really wanted - but was that what she really wanted? Had I been wrong? Had I assumed she wanted Jake when she I was all she ever wanted was me? Seeing her standing on the front porch, everything came storming back: the first time I saw her, spoke to her. Our first kiss, going off to college, and the first time I made love to her. I saw the pain as I broke her heart. I saw the confusion take hold in time with the fear. I saw the hatred she held for me since that day, and I saw the anger with both my actions and me. But I also saw a hint of the woman that I knew loved me and that was enough. I had to see this through to the end, no matter what that end might be.

When she saw me, we locked eyes. She nodded slowly at me, then turned and walked into the house. I willed myself to walk to her and whatever my future may be.

_Chapter End Notes:_

_Kherisma has been kind enough to create a play list for this story on my site, .com_

_I'd love to hear from you!_


	14. Bound to Break

_Thank you all so much for staying with me on this story. I started this story back on Sept/Oct of 2008. I had finished __Eclipse__ and couldn't buy __Breaking Dawn__ due to the holidays looming. I sat thinking about what things would be like if these characters were older - out of their teen years (and of course, human) and more like twenty-somethings facing the eve of their thirties. _

_Two plus years later, I am so happy to say this story is almost finished. Huge thank you's go to kherisma and devilsgenie for their unending support with this story. And a massive thank you to all of you who have patiently waited for this story to update. Thank you for trusting this story wasn't abandoned and still reading it even with shotty updates. I wish I could hug each of you!_

_I dedicate this chapter to kherisma who loves the angst and helped so much more than she is aware of with the writing and rewriting of this chapter._

_Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, but I thank SM for letting borrow then to write fanfiction about._

I left the front door open; it wouldn't take long for Edward to climb the stairs to the front door and walk into the house.

Standing still, I waited for him in the living room just to the left of the door. My heart pounded in my chest in anticipation of his arrival. I had expected him to call before coming over so seeing him on the walk was unexpected. It wasn't out of character for Edward to just come over, he'd done it plenty of time in high school but there was something graver about the action this time. The sullen look on his face, the depth of sadness I saw in his eyes – even at a distance – told me more than anything Jacob ever could have. He was beat down and slowly dying inside. Just as I was.

Hearing the door click shut, I turned to face him. I begged my heart to stop hammering and to leave my throat where it had taken residence at the sight of him in my home. _Our_ home. "So you got my message then?" I asked, my voice cracking slightly.

His brows twisted in confusion. "Message? No. I didn't."

"Oh."

"You called?" he asked, his voice cracking as well.

_Talk to him, Bella,_ I chastised myself. The familiar drop kick to my gut resonated throughout me, the fear of actually having this conversation with him becoming real. I couldn't hide behind Alice or Jacob any longer. "I did. Um . . . we have to talk. About all of this."

He licked his lips nervously, his eyes almost taking on a distant look. "I know. Would you like me to start?" It was evident on his face how much those words had cost him.

Did I? Did I want him to start only to end up hearing the same song and dance once again? Well, that wasn't fair. It wasn't the same song and dance to Edward; it was how he felt and right or wrong, I had to hear him speak the words again. However, I knew if I didn't talk first, I never would. He would never know the truth about the dream that ultimately tore us apart if I didn't head first in the depth of our personal hell.

"No, I need to, Edward. There are things that you need to know and if I don't tell you now, I never will." I took a long breath, closed my eyes, and willed the courage to continue to arrive. "Maybe we should sit first?"

Wordlessly, Edward agreed and moved to sit in the same armchair he always had sat in while I sat on the edge of the sofa just a few feet from him.

My heart raced, my palms started to sweat, and I felt the unmistakable prick of tears forming behind my eyes. "I never wanted Jacob. Not in real life or in any dream. It took me a long time to remember what I was dreaming about, but I finally did and frankly, Edward, it made me sick. Sick to think you left me over it and sick to think my mind could think of Jacob the way it did." I struggled to breath, to fight the tears, and against myself to stop talking but I couldn't stop – not now. "You thought I was making love to him, Edward? I wasn't. He was attacking me."

The words took a beat to sink in; I knew they would. As Edward processed what I had just said, I could see the realization and a fresh wave of pain hit him. It looked as if all the air and life slipped away from him; his skin turned white, and if it was possible, all the blood drained from his body. "Bella," he hushed in great pain.

I had opened the gate and the monster was out. Not even the hounds of hell could call this one back. I had to tell him everything, whether either of us wanted to hear it or not. "At first, it was just . . . normal. We were talking and it was like how things were back in school. Then it changed. There was kissing and he was trying to do other things, but I was able to stop him. But then it just went too far, too fast."

I went into the details I had shared with Alice and Jacob, and watched every word take their toll on Edward. I hated having to relive that horrible dream once again, but I had to. Edward would never know if I didn't tell him. However, there were parts of the dream that I hadn't even told Alice. Darker parts that I feared if Edward ever knew about, he would never want me back.

"Edward, I was fighting him off but he wouldn't stop. He kept . . . _moving_ on top of me and trying to . . . . I didn't want him near me. I tried to fight him off, but he was too strong. I kept trying to push him away but - and then I saw you. I couldn't tell if I was dreaming or not and it scared me. I didn't want you to see me with him – not like that. And it wasn't a secret how much you hate him."

"I don't hate him. I never hated him."

"Yes, you did."

"No, Bella. I disliked him. I didn't like how he seemed to have no regard for our relationship, but I never hated him." Edward answered softly.

"He was my friend and you made it very clear that you didn't want me around him. You shut down when I would talk about him. You hated it when I would go over to his house and spend time with him."

Edward lifted his head, his eyes lit with determination. "You're right. I did act like an ass about that. Can you blame me? He would sneer at me the second you got on the back of his bike and wrapped your arms around him. He would glare at me every time your back was turned. _He_ was the one that instigated it, but you only ever saw my reaction to it. He made sure of that."

"So you're going to blame _him_ for all of this?" I answered quickly, irritation clear in my voice.

"No. Not all of it," he said, his voice gravelly. "But for as much as you blame me for the issues in school, you really need to see my side."

I knew he was right. I had seen some of the sneers and glares, the obviously antagonistic action Jacob threw down. Edward had voiced his concern about them at the time but hearing about them again, reminded me of just how deeply Jacob's actions had affected Edward. "No, you're right. I did see some of that from him."

"I tried to understand you and Jacob, I did. I knew that you grew up with him, that you'd see him when you came to visit your dad over the summer. But once you were here, and I was with you, and he wanted to be a full-time part of your life – well, I couldn't compete."

He hung his head as I tried to process his words. "What do you mean, 'you couldn't compete'?"

He ran his fingers along the small fade on the knee of his jeans as he steadied himself for explaining. "I couldn't compete with someone that every time you were with him, you gushed about how great he was, how much fun you had with him. You stopped saying that about us after a year of dating. How could someone that always left you in a great mood not threaten me? You would come back to me and be so serious. _I _made you serious. With me, it was always talk about the future and trying to convince you that you needed to do things, but him? He never did. He acted like a seventeen year old and I acted ancient.

"You never saw the way your face lit up after you would spend a day with him. It was as if you spent the whole day in the sun; there was such a brightness to it. It hurt to know that I couldn't do that for you; that I couldn't be your sun. When he left, I thanked God for it. Believe me, and you can ask him if you doubt me, he _did_ try to take you away. But it was never around you. It was a phone call or a comment when my dad would visit his on the reservation. He was always careful never to let you hear it. He even admitted this to me a few weeks ago."

"What?" I asked, shocked.

"He did. When he left, I was so grateful to finally have you alone again. No weekend trips the Rez to worry about, no competition for your love. It was just us. Everything we had was clearer after he left. I knew we were always solid; that it I wasted hours worrying that you could fall in love with him and leave me. I knew you never would. You'd already told me a thousand times over that you weren't ready for marriage, and well – I was. I was ready after that first day when I brought you home from Port Angeles. Being that close to you and having you in my car after pining for you for months and you _chose_ to be with me. I knew I was a damn lucky man. With Jacob gone, I knew no one could stop us or get in our way.

"When you thought you were pregnant, I was thrilled. We were going to have a baby, you and me, and in some selfish way, that would mark you as mine forever. But you- you acted like it was the worst thing that could ever happen to you. As if carrying my child was -"

"I was scared," I defended heatedly.

He lifted his head and looked deeply into my eyes. His eyes were rimming with tears and it killed me. "Bella, so was I. But just like everything before then, I knew we could get through it … together. When it turned out that you weren't, you seemed happy. Elated. I was crushed. It felt like a stake being through my heart. But I put myself in your shoes. You wanted to finish college; you didn't want to repeat your mother's mistakes. The timing … it just wasn't right for us. I understand that now. It just hurt me, it damn near killed me, and yet you seemed so happy you weren't having our child- a piece of us both.

"I never brought any of this up because, well . . . because I loved you, Bella." Edward's voice cracked and my heart tore slightly hearing it. "I still do," he said, his voice soft, low, and cracking again.

"Edward-" I stared. My throat was tight and I could feel my eyes start to sting. Though I was angry that he thought I didn't want to have a child with him, I couldn't help but see how hurt he was.

"I am so sorry, Bella. I should have asked you about those dreams. I never should have assumed anything but it seemed so clear based on what I saw when Jacob did live here and how I saw your body reacting to your dream – making me think that you wanted _him_. I tried to tell myself that I knew you loved _me_ but doubts and fears took over. Even when I walked away from you, I knew you loved me, and I fucked it all up." There was a tremble in his voice as he spoke.

My eyes dropped to the floor, the pain in my chest spread throughout my body. "Yes, you did," I said as I looked back toward him.

Edward's shoulders shuddered, his body crumpled forward as he arms rested on his thighs. He looked broken and defeated, and completely in pain. I couldn't help but feel both sorry for him as well as slightly happy that he finally got to feel what I had for so long. I knew he was hurting, but I couldn't help but retain my hesitancy to forgive him. He hurt me deeply, bottom line. He walked away . . ._ bottom line. _ "I am so sorry, Bella."

"I don't know that that's enough, Edward. How can it be? How can I trust that you won't leave or that you really _are_ sorry?" I hated saying the words but how could his words possibly make this better? I knew where my heart was, but the pain and fear that lingered – that I had managed to fight for so long - were so close to the surface, I was starting to struggle to breathe.

He looked down at the floor, his eyes pained, and his mouth eased open. His eyes were clouded in pain and suffering. "I thought if I left first instead of you leaving me, then the pain would have been . . . I don't know. I hate myself for leaving you. I was so sure that you wanted Jacob. I was so afraid of losing you but I lost you anyway. Leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever done. If I lived a hundred years, it would still be the hardest thing I've ever done, as well as my biggest regret. But I promise you, I will never leave you if you take me back - I will never fail you again."

My eyes pricked with tears, my throat was tight, and my heart ached. I felt my sob fighting to escape. I held it back as long as I could before it broke through. A strangled noise passed my lips causing Edward's head to shoot up and he looked at me, the pain more deeply etched in his face than ever before. He got up from the chair and crossed to me in less than a second. Kneeling down, he tried to take my hands in his, but I refused. I pulled my hands to rest beside my hips and turned my head slightly away from him. "No," I said, curtly. "I can't."

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Edward's brows pinch, and sadness and rejection fixed in his face and body. He was shaking slightly, his fingers nervously rubbed back and forth over his brow. After a few harsh, shallow breaths, he spoke. "Bella, please. Don't do this. I will do whatever I need to make this right. Please, please God, please don't push me away. I need you, Bella. I love you. I can't live in a world that you aren't a part of my life," Edward said as his voice broke.

"Stop, Edward." I couldn't handle this – I couldn't watch him fall apart. I just couldn't. Yet that was just what he and I were doing.

"Oh, God. No. Please, no!" he pleaded with me; his words almost strangled in his throat. The pain and loss he was feeling were radiating off him and I held back my tears trying to be strong and not absorb what he was feeling and showing.

"It's done. I just can't."

"No," he whispered as he dropped to his knees at my feet. I looked up at the ceiling, fighting with everything I had left not to break and fall apart.

"I won't do this anymore. It's not right. It's not fair." I shook my head and tried desperately to hold on to my resolve. My anger was at its breaking point. I could feel my resolve slipping away. The decision I came to about what to do, the one that seemed so clear and right and absolute, seemed to slowly fade as my anger rose.

"Bella," he said, looking up at me. Tears streaked down his beautiful face and the sight was more than I could bear. "Please. Don't do this. Not to us. We were perfect once – we can be again. Just – please . . . don't end this completely."

"Damn it! Edward, _you _ended this when you left me or have you forgotten that? We were perfect –_were! _ There _is_ no us anymore. You made sure of that before you left and started a new life for yourself. You sit there and tell me how much you love me and how you always have. Did you even once care about what you destroyed when you left? Didn't it cross your mind at all what kind of shit storm you had caused?"

Edward sat at my feet, his chest heaving in pain. "I did care, believe me. I did. But I thought calling you would have made it worse. If what I believed were true, you needed not to have me bothering you so that you could start your life with Jacob. I knew what I did hurt you but-"

"But what? You didn't care." I spat at him. Gone were the tears of anguish and my body coursed with the anger and venom his leaving me had caused me. "So you were happy when Jacob left? Well, I was happy when he came _back_. I know you two didn't get along. I _did_ see the looks he gave you and even heard a few of this comments when both of you thought I wasn't listening. But I thought it was clear to both of you who I wanted.

"It wasn't until after you left, months after, that he came back. He was there when I needed a friend. _A friend_, Edward. He stayed with me because I hurt myself, but he _stayed _because_ I_ didn't want to be alone. I was scared that if someone wasn't here, that I would just drift away and lose myself altogether. Jacob made me _feel_ again. He made me feel as though I had some value left to my life and me. That someone actually cared.

"Even _if_ I wanted Jake, I couldn't even have him. You called right when things were at a point where I almost could have gone on without you. So for all your words and so-called 'good intentions' about letting me have a life _you _thought I wanted, you even fucked even that up."

He looked shocked. The deeply etched lines around his mouth, eyes, and forehead eased slightly as he took in the weight of my words. "So you did want him?" he asked, his voice tight with emotions.

I had thought about my answer carefully over the past weeks. I thought about my conversation with Jacob at the cliff and how even if _I_ wanted him, he had already let me go. How easy was it for the men in my life to do that? That thought slammed into my chest as though a thousand knives were stabbing me. Just as I had been for so many months after he left. I knew it was selfish and petty of me to think that way, but I couldn't help it.

"Yes, Edward. I did." I answered him so coldly, my voice shocked even myself.

His breaths ceased momentarily as it all registered. What little color he had left, drained quickly, leaving him paler than I had ever seen him. "You wanted him," he repeated flatly and softly as he ran his hand through his hair.

"Yes. I was just about to fuck him when you called that night. Is that what you wanted? Me fucking Jacob? Is that what you thought _I _wanted all along? Because it almost happened."

"I never wanted that. I only wanted you to be with me. To be mine. I foolishly wanted to be the only man that ever knew that part of you," he quietly said.

The bitch inside me rose to the surface. "Then you never shouldn't have left, _Edward," _I sneered.

"So you _did_ sleep with him." Edward's statement hung heavy between us. I could lie, yes, but he would be able to prove me wrong with one phone call.

"What does it matter? You cast me aside. You threw me away."

"I never did," he argued, finally finding his voice and fighting back. "Yeah, I was wrong - horribly wrong! But I'm trying to make it right. I kept pictures of you in my wallet and in my apartment. I called my parents to find out how you were. I have a file on my laptop of letters that I wanted to send you but never did because Alice told me you said you would have returned them unopened. I never threw you aside, Bella. I just removed myself as the obstacle between you and what I thought you wanted."

"And you call that love," I scoffed.

Edward's eye cast to the floor once again. The look on his face damn near broke me. His eyes were almost dead, his skin ashen, his body slumped like an old rag doll. "Yes, I do."

"I never should have answered the phone that night," I muttered. "I should have let it ring and let Jacob fuck me. Would you still be begging for forgiveness then? Would you still love me if I had slept with him?"

"Yes," he answered with a gravelly voice. "I would still love you and want you back in my life. I would still be fighting with everything I have to have you and your love back."

I looked at him dumbfounded. "Jesus, Edward! How – why? If what you wanted was for me to be with him, why would you still fight for me? Why put yourself through this – this fucking pain when _you_ pushed me to him?"

"Because I love you - that never stopped! I was stupid to do what I did. I was a failure as a man to bring this pain and confusion to you when I was so clearly wrong to do so. I have no excuse for my actions, only the truth. I'm sorry," he said with a much stronger voice.

"I don't care, Edward. You hurt me. You betrayed me. You _left me!"_ I spat out. The hurt that had been tucked away for so long was finally breaking free. I had thought I had said all I need to say to him, but that simply wasn't true.

"I did and I'm sorry. Had I know for half a second that you were being mauled in that dream – but I was so afraid of you telling me we were a mistake. That you had always-wanted Jacob and not me – it would have killed me, Bella. It would have killed me."

"So you decided killing me would have been better? What the hell, Edward? I hate you for leaving me! I hate you for breaking me!" I almost yelled. I stood up and walked a few steps away from where Edward was.

Edward's face twisted painfully as he absorbed the words. Slowly, he stood up and took a single step toward me. "I hate _myself_ more. I never should have done it, Bella. Never. I should have talked to you, but I was so sure. Do you remember the conversation we had about Jacob? The one where you said if it wasn't for me, you were sure Charlie would have married you off to Jacob the first chance he got?"

I nodded. I remembered that conversation, and so did Charlie. I had lashed out at him shortly after Edward left about the inappropriateness of the comment. My further mistake was telling Edward about it. My dad hadn't meant anything behind it, he loved Edward. He was joking, but neither Edward nor I took it that way. I was fuming when I shared the comment with Edward. Edward, as he always did, internalized it. I knew my friendship with Jake was hard on him, and after Charlie's comment, I started to distance myself from Jake and all things La Push. It hurt like hell to lose my closest friend outside of Edward, but I had to. And really, Jake was leaving town and I never did great with goodbyes, so I never really saw it as a terrible thing. Sure, we emailed and texted, but it was never to the same level as before our "friendship break-up." At least not until he moved back – Post Edward Apocalypse.

"I was so sure that it was him you really wanted. Hell, you grew up with him. And who was I? Just some guy you knew in high school that pursued you and didn't give you a choice in the matter." His voice was edged with doubt.

"What? There was always a choice, Edward. Neither of us can help that we just fell hard. Because that is what we did. We fell in love – who's to say it was wrong to find your soul mate in high school?" Thinking of how we had met and fallen in love caused my chest to tighten; a hollow ache filled my heart.

"But that isn't the case anymore, is it? I'm not your soul mate, am I? Is it him?" he asked, every breath he took, every word he spoke, rocked his entire being and started to break me.

"Edward . . . I loved you but you betrayed me. You broke my heart when you left." I could feel the dam slowly breaking; my voice and tears were seconds away from betraying the tough resolve I'd been fighting to keep.

"Bella, I will keep apologizing for that until my last breath. I never, _never_ wanted to leave you. But it was so clear to me that staying if you were in love with Jacob, would only hurt you. And I vowed a long time ago to never let anything hurt you."

"Everything except you, that is. Don't you get it? The only person that could ever hurt me is you. I _lived_ for you, Edward. You were my reason for everything. I know I shouldn't say that, but it's true." I felt my tears begin to well in my eyes. My lip started to tremble. I turned away from him, trying to hide my emotions.

I heard him take a step closer to me and could almost feel his presence behind me. "Even being half way around the world, just thinking of you . . . you are everything to me. I never should have left. Never."

There was a long pause. I was convinced neither of us was breathing. Edward stood rooted to the floor as if he was made from granite. My chest started its unsteady rise and fall as my pained breaths became stronger. I wasn't sure what to say to him. We were at a cross roads – he could only apologize so much, I could only be strong so long. Yet, I didn't know what to say or to do. I knew what my heart was telling me, and I my thoughts demanded to be heard, as well. It was all so overwhelming.

"Bella, I may really be pushing things here, but you need to hear me out. I made the single biggest mistake of my life leaving you, but I did the single greatest thing in my life by falling in love with you. You have been a shelter from every storm life has thrown at me. You have kept me safe when I wanted to close myself off. You showed me there was so much more to me than I ever thought there was. Leaving you was wrong; it was the cruelest thing I could possibly do to the one person who loved me to the depth of my soul. I should have talked to you, yes, but the fear of losing the most perfect thing in my life scared me. It rocked my foundation, and as it turns out, without you I'm pretty much built on quicksand. I sank into an oblivion that only one person was ever strong enough to pull me from. How could I ask you to save me when I destroyed you?

"I wanted to marry you, Bella. I still do. I want to live in this house, raise a family together and, god willing, watch our grandchildren play in the yard. I realize now that the relief you felt when you realized you weren't expecting before wasn't because you weren't pregnant with our child, it was because we weren't married and as far as you knew, I wasn't going to ask you. I realize you were just not ready then to be a mom. It was wrong of me to assume that it was because you didn't want to have children with me.

"I have been wrong so many times, and I'm sorry. I will beg for your forgiveness the rest of my days. I will walk out that door and watch out for you no matter what, know that. But I will never interfere in the life you will create after me. I only want you to be safe, happy, and loved.

"Bella, I will draw my last breath thinking of you and speaking your name. I love you. For eternity, I will love you. "

Everything hurt. Every part of me was raging against his words and my thoughts and emotions. The anger I felt couldn't be contained once it slammed into the love I knew I _did_ feel for him. I wanted him to hurt as much as the past year had hurt me. I wanted him destroyed and beaten, doubting his every day existence, and just wanting the world to swallow him whole. Then it hit me. I wanted for him everything his leaving had done to me. However, more than anything, I wanted one thing.

Spinning around, I looked him square in the eyes and said, "God, Edward, I was so alone. I couldn't sleep at night thinking of what I could have done to make you leave – to drive you away so harshly. I thought we were perfect, that nothing could touch us. You said you would always protect me, and yet you are the one that threw the cruelest blow. Who the hell was there to protect me then?

"I tried, God how I tried, to get up every morning knowing you weren't there. I kept thinking one day you would call or write, or even email me. I held on to that hope for so long. When it never happened, I died all over again."

"I just – I – I never meant to hurt you, Bella. I wish like hell I could take it all back." He hung his head as he spoke the last word.

"This whole thing with Jake was just wanting someone to care about me, to love me. I needed to know that I wasn't the horrible person I believed you thought I was. Jake was there for me the way I needed _you_ to be, but you left. All because of a fucking dream, Edward!"

"I did, and I'm sorry! Had I known for half a second that you were being mauled – but I was so afraid of you telling me we were a mistake. That you had always wanted Jacob and not me – it would have killed me, Bella."

"So you decided killing me would have been better? What the hell, Edward? I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for _breaking _me!"

My resolve conflicted with my heart, my throat tightened, and I could barely breathe. "I never loved him, Edward - not like I loved you. I would trade my life for yours if it were asked of me. Even now. And I hate you for that. I hate you!"

"Bella," Edward whispered as tears streamed down his face.

"NO! I hate you, I really hate you," I said, the tears burst through and I was helpless to stop them.

"Bella," he whispered again, his face in anguish.

"I hate you. I can't breathe when I'm around you. I can't feel anything but . . ."

"Bella." He was speaking barely above a whisper and was so close, I could feel the heat radiate off him.

"I hate you, I hate you," I said, completely drained and through heavy tears. "I hate you."

He nodded slowly. I saw him in perhaps the rawest form of pain human can suffer reflected him his face. I _knew_ what I felt for him and it was wrong to keep him standing there in this much pain. I needed to end things. I just prayed I was strong enough to.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. Just . . . so . . . sorry." He paused as he spoke, his voice becoming softer with each word.

"I hate you, Edward. I hate you for what you did. I hate you . . . God, I ha-." My voice broke; my tears fell harder and faster.

As if knowing I was falling over the edge, I felt Edward's arms wrap around me. I wanted to fight against it, but I couldn't. I longed for these arms to hold me countless nights as I cried myself to sleep. I even convinced myself that I could let Jacob take his place though I knew it would never be the same. Feeling his arms holding me tightly, my sobs broke free as the wall crumbled.

Through my sobs, I said, "I ha- I love you." I stop fighting myself to be strong and to push him away. I wanted him to hold me, to make it all better, to make me feel safe, protected, and loved.

Edward nodded again; the slightest up and down motion of his head was all I could see through my tears. I silently prayed he heard me and wasn't holding me this way for fear it was his last chance to.

"I can't do this anymore. I love you," I whispered softly through my tears, my voice breaking as I said it. "I can't do this without you. I need you. All of you."

Edward didn't move. As my hand touched his arm, his eyes dropped to where our bodies connected and yet, he didn't move. Clearly, he didn't believe what he was hearing. Suddenly, his body went stiff and rigid. "What? Bella?" he asked stunned, but hopeful.

My heart was thundering in my chest, and there was an intense nervousness in my stomach. My eyes pricked with fresh tears knowing the wall had just tumbled down. "I can't live without you anymore. I tried, and I can't. It hurts too much to try. I belong to you and with you, I always have," I said pressing my hands to his cheeks.

He said nothing, his eyes searched mine, and for the first time in what I knew was a long time, his stunning emerald eyes sparkled.

"Edward?" I asked; fear and hope filled my voice. "Did you hear me?"

He nodded slowly, his eyes moving to mine just as slow. "Yes. I just can't trust myself to have heard you right."

"Edward," I said as I stroked my thumb over his cheek. "I love you. I need you, and want all of this behind us. I want to try to see if we can fix this." I watched him for a moment, hoping he understood what I was saying through my tears.

He held his breath and then all the strength he used to hold me up left him. As he collapsed into my arms, I moved mine quickly to catch him. "Jesus, Bella. I love you. I meant what I said . . . for the rest of my life."

"Mine, too," I said, breathlessly. I couldn't believe how fast all the pain and fear had lifted from me. Edward's tight hold on me returned and it felt wonderful to be in his arms again, knowing I loved him and wasn't afraid to say it. He pulled me to him in an impassioned hug.

"I love you," he breathed against my cheek.

"I know. I'm sorry," I confessed as I pressed my cheek against his lips finally feeling complete again. He was my other half, my soul mate and I was wrong to keep us apart.

We held each other tightly for what seemed like hours. I didn't want to let go of him. We let what remained between us fall away. I let Edward back in, forgiving him and let myself love him again.

Edward broke our embrace first, cupping his hand gently on either side of my face. "Bella, I've wanted to do something for a year. May I?" His eyes were fixed on mine and were so deep and honest.

I nodded. "Please."

A small, faint smile glimmered nervously. "Okay. Jus - don't move," he said breathlessly. It was clear how nervous he was. My heart hammered in time with his as he moved closer to me; his eyes searching mine briefly, before they drifted to my lips. Slowly and softly, his lips touched mine. Immediately, I remembered how soft and firm his kisses were. How the natural heat of his body would seep into mine with the softest touch of his lips. I remembered all-to-quickly and easily how just one kiss from Edward could make for forget everything. It was bliss and it was him, and I missed it terribly.

There were issues we needed to work passed, true. After all that we had already spoken about, one thing was clear. He loved me, I knew that, and even after all the pain and tears, I still loved him.

As I stood in my family room, Edward softly kissing me, I knew everything would be okay.

_Two more chapters left! They are completed and will be posted soon!_

_Kherisma found a song that she felt really spoke to and about this chapter. "Bound To Break" by Harper Blynn. If you would like to hear it, here is a link to the video: __http:/www__(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=VOJ06wESWMs_


	15. Chasing Cars

_Disclaimer: Thank you to SM for allowing ff writers to write about her characters! She owns them, I wrote this. __**;)**_

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I still couldn't believe it. Three months later, Edward and I were well on our way to mending the past wrongs and hurts. He was still living in the small cottage at his parent's house and I was still at our home. While it felt strange to have us living apart while we were technically back together, I wasn't ready for him to move back in. As it happened, Edward wasn't in a rush either. So much had happened in just a year's time, we needed to get to know each other again as well as rediscover what we already knew.

Jacob moved back to the Rez and stepped out of the picture completely. We saw him occasionally around town, and he had started to date a girl he went to school with. I couldn't help but see the look on Edward's face when Jacob said that this girl "might be the one." He wrapped his arm around my waist, his long fingers rested against my side as he wished the best to Jacob. The smile that Jacob gave us just before he said goodbye warmed my heart. Any issues that existed between Edward and Jacob were long gone and it was clear that a friendship was finally there. I hadn't asked Edward what happened during his conversations with Jacob and he didn't ask for details either. It didn't matter. What mattered was that Jake was the reason we started talking. What he said to each of us was enough to give us each the courage to try to talk and we would always be grateful for that.

We did talk about what happened, but it was more to be able to close that chapter in our lives. Edward and I tried to not rehash the past but live in the present. It was hard; I won't lie and say it was easy. There were days when I would wake up in a panic, afraid when I called Edward, he wouldn't answer his phone or he would tell me wanting me back was a mistake. I told him each and every time it happened and he confided he was going through the same thing. We knew one day we would get passed it, but it wasn't going to happen overnight. I asked him after the first month to stop apologizing. We needed to move forward and his apologies, while heartfelt, needed to end. I knew how sorry he was – it was etched in his face that day when I stopped pushing him away and finally let him back in. I needed to trust that he wouldn't leave again or misinterpret anything. He promised he wouldn't on both counts.

I'd gone to dinner at his parents a few nights, and Charlie joined Edward and me a few times at the house. Charlie initially was not as ready to let bygones be bygones, but after our fourth dinner with him, he pulled me aside and told me if I loved Edward, he would let him off the hook as much as a father could. It was at our fifth dinner when Charlie brought Sue over to meet us. It was his way of letting me know things with Sue were getting more serious. It was wonderful to see my dad happy after years of his being single. When Edward left that night shortly after my father, he joked that he was willing to take bets on which Swan would get married first. As soon as he spoke the words, he looked shocked. As if even he wasn't expecting the words to come out. He tried to apologize for his comment, but I wouldn't let him. Instead, I silenced him with a kiss.

That was as far as things went between us – kissing. It took a few weeks but we were finally not nervous about instigating a kiss or reaching for the other's hand. Soon enough, that too fell away and we were comfortable with each other again. We would hold hands, Edward would place his hand lighting on the small of my back, we would kiss and things would get heavy, but we never went further. It wasn't something we agreed _not_ to do, but rather something that just was. I suppose in some way, we were nervous about taking that next step- one we had certainly been down that road before, but there was so much that had changed that it was really like we were starting over in some respects. No matter how long we were together, once we reconciled, it was so obvious and clear that the passion -the deep, physical connection – was still very much there. There were nights that were difficult for me and Edward to say good night, to not take it to the bedroom. Damn difficult. However, three months later, I knew that we couldn't and shouldn't avoid the issue much longer. There is only so long you can fight what your body is telling you until you know you have to give in.

We had just finished dinner when I caught a glimpse of Edward as we washed dishes. He leaned against the counter, his legs crossed at his ankles, wiping a dish dry with the towel. He seemed lost in thought with a soft, sweet smile on his face.

"You seem to be enjoying drying that dish," I joked.

His smile broadened slightly as an embarrassed look lit his face. "Sorry. I was uh . . . I was just thinking about how beautiful you are."

"And soapy. You forgot that," I commented as I blew a stray piece of hair off my eyebrow in an attempt to move it from tickling my face.

Edward put the dish down on the counter and stepped to me; he moved the hair off my forehead and tucked it behind my ear. My heart hammered with his touch. "Better?" he asked. I knew he meant the hair being moved, but my answer was based solely on having him back.

"Much," I said in almost a whisper.

His hand froze, his fingers lightly played with my hair, and he continued to look at me with such tenderness, I nearly melted. "Me, too," he said, his voice matching mine. He leaned over and placed a kiss on my forehead and I felt the heat from his touch course through me.

I had to focus on breathing and staying upright.

We finished cleaning the dishes and settled in to our normal night routine when we spent time together, which was almost every night. We sat on the couch and watched a movie together, sitting in a comfortable, companionable silence. I moved over to my now-normal position: my feet tucked under me, my head on Edward's chest, his arm around my shoulders, his other hand in mine.

Being with him like this and seeing the look on his face in the kitchen only further erased the hurt of the previous year. I didn't question if he would leave me, I hadn't woken up scared out of my mind that he was gone for nearly a month. I smiled when I realized that I finally felt a peace that I hadn't felt in over a year.

"What has you so happy?" Edward asked, as lazily traced a pattern on my arm.

I hesitated only to find the right words to express my thought. Knowing there were no words possible, I turned to face him, placing a hand on his cheek, and I kissed him. Edward took only a fraction of a second to return the kiss and I melted.

My hand tangled in his hair as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer to him. Straddling his lap, I kissed him deeper, feeling the all too familiar tug of wanting to take things further. Edward's body rebelled against him; I could feel just what our kissing was doing to him. I was losing my own resolve with each kiss, each pass of his hands across my back.

I started to tug on the hem of his shirt when his hands stopped my actions.

"Bella, we have to stop," he said as he tried to calm his breaths.

"Why?" I asked. I wasn't so sure that stopping was the right thing to do anymore.

Edward held my hands in his and lowered then to my thighs. "Because I won't be able to stop if we go much further."

"What if I don't want you to stop?" I asked, bluntly.

Edward's brows pinched. "But what if I do?" He seemed hesitant.

My back stiffened and doubt overcame me. "Well, then I would have to respect that," I said, fighting off the feeling of rejection.

He let go of one of my hands so he could touch my face. "Hey. It's not a rejection. I want to, believe me. I just don't want to rush you . . . or hurt you."

"How could you hurt me?" I asked. I was confused that he would think after all we had been through, us connecting again could hurt me.

"Because, Bella, I just want you to really think about this. After everything, after all that has happened, are you sure you're ready to let us have this again?" His eyes searched mine and I could see how serious he was with this question.

I thought about what he asked then realized it wasn't something I could answer in my current state. "I don't know, Edward. Maybe?"

He sighed heavily and then nodded. "Maybe? I don't want 'maybe', Bella. I want you to be sure before we take that step. Perhaps I should go. I should give you some space to think . . . and time for us to cool off," he said with a small laugh at the end of his thought; a nervous, unsure smile appeared.

"Okay." I nodded my agreement and moved off him.

We sat nervously on the couch, as if we were back in high school and my dad had just caught us making out on the sofa. I knew Edward didn't really want to leave. Biting my lip nervously, I wasn't sure what to do next. Edward, as always, knew the right thing to do.

"Well we can't cool off like this. I still want to kiss you," he said with a small chuckle.

"I know. Me, too." I looked up at him and noticed how quickly he looked away. It reminded me so much of the seventeen year-old that I had fallen in love with.

"I should go," he said, but didn't move.

"Yeah." I heard the regret in my voice.

Edward stood up and offered his hand to me. Once I took it, he helped me stand up and we walked to the front door together.

"I'll call you when I get home?" he asked.

"Okay. Sounds good."

He leaned over and kissed me on my cheek before leaving. I stood in the doorway and watched him walk down the stairs. Once he opened his car door, I waved goodbye to him and closed the door. I stood in the small foyer, looking at nothing in particular. Something was wrong. There was something so wrong about his leaving. My thoughts completely stopped and I couldn't move from the spot. My breaths came in short gasps, and I felt a panic sweep over me.

Without a second though, I opened the door and practically flew down the stairs. Edward, who had started to back out of the driveway, saw me, stopped, and got out of his car. I slammed into him near the hood of the car.

"Edward! Don't leave!" I panted as the panic clicked into focus. I knew why and where it came from.

He pulled me close and stroked my back. "I'm never going to leave you again, Bella. I promised you that."

"No, that's not it," I said as the panic intensified, my tears brimming in my eyes and my throat was tight.

Edward shushed me gently and tried to calm me down. "Bella, I love you. I'm not going to leave you ever again."

Placing my hands against his chest, I pushed back far enough to look into his emerald eyes. "No. That's not it. I don't want you to leave . . . ever. Not in general and not like you did last year. I don't want you to go back to that cottage. I want you here, with me, in our house," I said before I paused, my tears finally spilling over. "And in_ our_ bed. I want you, Edward. _All of you_. I _want_ you to come _home._"

He stood holding me, searching my face before he moved his thumb to my cheek and wiped my tears. "Oh God, Bella, I want to come home," he said with relief and almost a pleading tone in his voice, his own tears starting to fall.

My lips trembled at the sight of him. I didn't know what else to say, not that anything needs to be. My hands cupped his jaw line and I kissed him. He pressed his lips against mine and it was unlike any kiss we had ever had. I felt as if I was weightless and that time was standing still as his lips gently moved over mine. For as wonderful as it was, it wasn't enough. My tongue teased his lips and he opened his mouth to deepen our kiss. Our kisses deepened and I pressed him against the hood of his car. His hard length pressed firmly against my thigh, and I hungrily sought more.

I brushed my hand over his member and pressed against it, stroking it through his jeans.

"Jesus, Bella," he said, his lips still on mine.

"I need you, Edward. Please," I pleaded between kisses.

"Yes, God yes," he panted.

I moved over him, his shaft pressed against my stomach as I moved the hem of his shirt back up his stomach.

"Stop," he commanded in a hushed tone. "Bella . . . we're still outside."

"Oh shit!" I said, quickly removing myself from him. Looking at him, I noticed he was practically lying on the hood of his car.

"I'm not complaining, mind you, but it'll be awkward when your dad shows up to charge us with public indecency." The corner of his mouth twitched in a nervous smile.

"Then let's go inside." I offered him my hand and together, we walked back into the house.

Edward followed me up the stairs to the master bedroom. He closed the door and as his back was turned, I quickly started to undress.

"Bella, my God! I just – you're so . . . I never forgot how beautiful you were but now . . . my god." He was speechless. So was I.

I slowed my pace down and removed the rest of my clothes knowing he was watching every movement I made. Removing my panties last, I stood next to the bed, my heart pounding and butterflies of excitement fluttered in my gut.

Edward pulled his shirt off and I actually gasped. He smiled nervously but continued. As he took of his pants and boxers, he walked toward me. "You are everything to me. You always have been."

I closed my eyes as his hands cupped my face and chills fanned over my body. When his lips touched mine, I felt safer and more loved than ever before. Edward's lips kissed mine deeply; his tongue teased my lips to part just as I had with his. I couldn't deny his silent request. As his tongue gently brushed over mine, I sighed. Edward responded by moving his kisses down my neck and under my jaw.

"I love you, Bella," he said between kisses.

I titled my head back and became lost in the feel of his lips kissing and gently sucking against the column of my neck. My soft sighs filled the room when Edward's hand touched my breasts, and his thumbs gently pulled on my straining nipples.

"Lay down," he whispered.

I did as he asked, lying down in the center of our bed. I was finally going to share this bed with him again and I couldn't think of a better way to bring him back into our room. I parted my legs to allow Edward to take purchase between them. The corner of his mouth twitched a nervous grin and his eyes exposed the full weight of where we were and what we were about to do.

"Bella . . ." he sighed in wonder. I knew he loved me, but I felt in that one moment as if I was able to actually see how much. His eyes danced across my face before he looked down at my body – naked and waiting for him.

"I love you," I whispered, cupping his face once again. The feel of his stubble lightly rubbed against my palms and his natural warmth engulfed my hands. I wanted more than anything to feel his stubble against my skin and his warmth covering me like a blanket.

He moved forward to kiss my lips before he trailed a line of kisses down my body: my neck, my shoulders, my arms. His hand softly cupped the underside of my breast, his thumb brushing over my nipple before his lips surrounded it and gently sucked it between his lips.

I tried to hold back the quiet moan that had lodged in my throat. Edward's teeth lightly raked over my nipple causing my head to ease into the pillow, the moan bursting forth. His efforts continued on my other breast and through my sighs and soft moans, I said, "I've missed you."

Edward's forehead rested on my chest. "God, Bella. I missed you, too. Every day," he said with a hint of sadness in his voice.

I laced my fingers in his hair and stroked his back. Against my leg, I could feel his leg hair brushing against my smooth calf. His heat radiated through me and filled my body with more want and love than I had ever felt or thought possible. "It's all behind us. All of it."

He looked up at me, a soft look in his eyes that spoke of complete adoration and love greeted me. "I promised you – every day of my life I will make it up to you."

"Edward, just love me. That's all I ask of you," I said as I brushed his hair off his forehead.

"I do, and I will. Always," he vowed.

He kissed my breast again tenderly before moving doing my stomach, tickling me in the process. I would have laughed it I hadn't felt his rock-hard length against my leg keeping me in the moment. His kisses fanned over my hips and down my thighs, and then he kissed me at my core and I melted.

"Oh God," I sighed, my head pushing back into the pillow.

Edward's tongue gently licked my nub before his tongue parted me and he licked between them and back to my clit, pressing against it. I moaned loudly when his thumb started making small, tight circles as his tongue was met by two fingers sliding into me. I moved my hips in time with his movements, slowly slipping into oblivion.

He hooked his fingers and turned them, hitting my spot dead on. The moans that had been more like gasps became louder and finally elicited a sound from Edward.

"Oh shit, you feel so good!" he said before he kissed my inner thigh, his hands still working their magic.

"Edward, I don't want to come without you. Not tonight," I pleased breathlessly.

He nodded his understanding. With a gently curling of his fingers timed with a swirl of his thumb and a kiss on my thigh, he removed his fingers and started up the bed to me. My chest heaved with lack of proper breathing and seeing the look on his face. Pure love met lust in his features, his lips were slightly plump from the kissing, his eyes hooded with desire.

After placing a searing kiss on my lips, I felt his shaft press against my folds; he eased his head between them before entering me. The feel of having him fill me again after so long was enough to make both of us shudder and moan. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, my body instinctually following his with each thrust. Edward rested his forehead against mine for a moment before kissing me.

"I missed you," he whispered, his lips barely touching mine.

"I missed you, too," I said just before I kissed him. As my lips moved with his, I felt him shaking in my arms. "Are you okay? You're shaking."

Edward tried to hid his laugh, but couldn't. His body stilled for a moment. "I'm trying so hard to control myself with you right now."

I moved my head back from his far enough to look at him. "Then don't. Don't try to control yourself. You won't hurt me, I trust you. _I want you._"

Searching my face, Edward's shaking diminished if only slightly when he met my gaze. I couldn't help but have my breath stolen when his emerald eyes met mine. He started moving again, slowly at first, before he sped up. His hips pressed against mine as he rocked back and forth with each thrust. I moaned with each push and pull of his movements inside me. Edward's soft groans fueled me; I started to circle my hips, rubbing my clit against his pelvic bone. I felt his cock twitch and his balls for sure tightened.

"Damn, you feel so good, Bella," he said with a groan.

"Oh God, Edward, yes!" I said as he thrust harder, increasing his pace. He moved so quickly that I had to place a hand against the headboard for support and so my head wouldn't slam into it. Edward pushed up on his forearms and thrust rapidly, groaning each time his hips met mine. Each of his groans was met with a sigh or moan from me.

I felt the coil in my belly tighten, heat coursed through my body and centered where we were joined. "Oh God, Edward! I'm going to," I panted.

"Oh shit! Yes!" he said as he opened his eyes.

Knowing he was watching me, waiting for me to come, fueled me on. I bucked my hips, swirled them, and pressed against him until I felt my body shake; the heat was too intense to stop. Within seconds, I closed my eyes as my climax flooded over me. The high-pitched sighs I uttered filled the room and pushed Edward to his breaking point.

"God, I missed hearing those sounds from you," he said through short gasps of breaths. "You're so beautiful."

As I started to come down from my high, I open my eyes. "Come for me, Edward. Please?" I begged.

He nodded quickly before he resumed his former pace. He moved fast and his thrust came at such an alarming pace, it was almost as if he was super-human. His lip twitched before a slight gritting of his teeth caused his jaw to flex. The veins on his neck stood out slightly, as did the muscles in his arms. I couldn't stop touching his body as he neared his orgasm. My hands hurriedly passed over his arms and chest, his shoulders, his neck. My fingers brushed through his hair before I couldn't take it anymore. I clutched his back in my hands, my nails digging into him. Edward moaned loudly, his head tilted back, and he came. He slammed into me with the initial wave of his orgasm, pushing my head firmly against the padded headboard. He grunted as he filled me, and his cock twitched with his release.

He rested his head against my shoulder. "Holy . . . that was . . ."

"Amazing? Fantastic? Missed?" I said with a slight giggle.

"Yes. All of those. But it was . . . perfect," he said. His words brushed across my shoulder and I had to close my eyes in response. Feeling his breath on my skin was electric.

"Yeah, it was." I sighed.

"I love you, Bella."

"I love you, too." I brushed his hair, soothing both of us with the effort.

It hadn't been easy to get to this point – there were many tears, tons of hurt, and huge amounts of pain felt by both of us. But we finally were here, back together with all of the hurts and wrongs of the past behind us.

After several minutes, Edward lifted his head. "If you change your mind about wanting me to move back in, I completely understand." He looked scared, but I could also see how resolved he was to what he said.

"Edward," I started, running my hand along his cheek, "my only thought about that is how soon we can get your stuff _in _here."

A smile slowly crept across his face, his eyes lit with happiness. "About as long as it would take to drive over, pack a few suitcases, and drive back," he said laughing.

I smiled at him. "So get dressed and make that happen already."

Edward kissed me then rolled over, resting on his side so he faced me. "I actually was hoping I could just lay here with you and just forget the world outside this house."

I leaned over to kiss him. "Okay, but just for tonight. Tomorrow, you're giving your landlord notice."

"I'm good with that." He smiled at me and in that moment, I knew everything was exactly as it should be.

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_Thank you all so much for staying with me on this story. I know it has taken forever to update and at times seemed like it was an abandoned fic._

_One chapter left - the epilogue. __:)_

_It would mean so much to me if you let me know what you think of this chapter, the whole story, just the banner, or want to question the sanity of my penname. __;)_

_For kherisma 3_


	16. Life in Technicolor

_Author's Chapter Notes:_

_Here it is, the epilogue._

_Thank you all so much for staying with me on this small, little story. It's been two years and I'm so thrilled to offer the final chapter to you._

_Thank you to the shrew, kherisma, and every one that has read this story. I truly hope you liked it._

_Disclaimer: While __New Moon__ belongs to SM, I thank her for allowing us to write other versions of her characters. This was mine._

Epilogue

Rushing through the house, I made a final sweep to make sure everything was as tidy as possible before leaving to meet Edward. He'd been in Seattle for the past few days for work, and while I was excited to see him, I was nearly bouncing off the walls to actually _talk _to him.

As he left the hotel that morning to come home, he called to ask if I would meet him at the meadow in a few hours. It was a few weeks since we were last there, so I immediately said I would. That was _before_ I actually started my day. Now, five hours later, I was in my car driving to the turn-off to meet him in the meadow, knowing what I had _just_ found out. I was sure Edward would be thrilled, but it didn't stop the butterflies from taking flight in my gut.

I turned onto the dusty, earthen road and felt my heart hammering in my chest. I still had a five-minute walk to the field after the five-minute drive into the woods. Enough time to let my mind wander off to thoughts of all of our time there: high school, of when we moved back to town, the laughs we had talking about the simple events of the day, and the memory of the kisses we shared.

As I parked my car behind his, I remembered the day he left me two years before. It was a footnote to our history as a couple, but one that still gave me a moment's pause. Not because I was afraid of history repeating itself, but more from the small twinge of sadness that it had happened. It had been over two years since that fateful day in the meadow, and Edward and I were stronger than ever. He had moved back into our house a year ago, and life was good. No, it was perfect. Well, almost perfect. I didn't have any reason to doubt it wouldn't be, but still . . . what _I_ had to talk to Edward about would change everything.

I crossed through the woods, noticing the natural landmarks we had always used to find this place. Upon seeing the fallen tree that was the final marker, the butterflies in my gut fluttered rapidly and my palms start to sweat.

Pushing through the natural barrier that surround the meadow, the tall, thin grass felt like silk against my fingers. Then I saw him. Sitting on a large, red, plaid blanket in the middle of the field was my Edward. Surrounded by a natural blanket of wild flowers, he looked too perfect to be real. His bronze hair glimmered in the sunlight and it seemed as if his skin reflected the sun. He was beautiful and perfect and above all, he was mine.

"Hey gorgeous," I said as I closed the distance between us.

"Hey beautiful. How was your day?" He took my hand and held it tightly as I sat next to him. It was then I noticed his palms were sweaty, too.

"It was good. I got my article done, so my first official _local _paying gig is completed. I just hope _Forks Monthly_ doesn't think my contribution will be ongoing. There really is only so much you can write about on what events happen in this town." I laughed.

"True, but maybe our little town will have something to talk about in the coming months," he said. His mouth twitched slightly as if he was hiding a smile.

"Don't I know it, buddy," I said, trying to hid my smile.

Edward leaned over to kiss me, and I felt the world slip away as soon as his lips touched mine. I sat up on my knees to deepen our kiss, my hands tangled in his hair. As I sighed against his lips, he groaned lightly. A few moments later, Edward gently pulled away.

"Bella?" he started before clearing his throat.

"Yeah?"

"I need to talk to you about something and kissing you . . . well, quite honestly is making me_ more_ of a nervous wreck." He looked away bashfully as he spoke.

"Um, okay. So I need to behave?" I asked, teasing him.

A nervous laugh escaped him. "Yes, that would be helpful."

"Okay. But I make no promises. By the way, you look incredibly handsome today," I said, flirting with him.

Edward studied me for a minute, squinting his eyes as he assessed me. "You seem giddy today."

"You have no idea," I said with an ironic yet teasing tone. "So what's up? Did you get that promotion?"

He shook his head and gave me a curious smile and look. "No, I haven't heard yet. I - uh - actually wanted to talk to you about something else."

"Okay." I tried to stop staring at him but he was simply too stunning.

"Bella? Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I am. You're just so . . . handsome."

He sighed heavily and asked, "Did you hit your head today? Fall down walking?"

I laughed. "No. Just happy and . . . just . . . _happy_."

He studied me again for a moment. "Okay. Well, um . . . you see - the thing is - I-" he stammered. Clearly, there was something more serious on his mind. "I need to talk to you about something."

"Sure. What?" My poor Edward. He looked like he was about to choke on his words or pass out.

"Well, the thing is - and I really should have done this _years_ ago - but . . . well, I didn't, and I _really_ should have." He swallowed thickly, and his eyes fought nervously to meet mine.

"Okay," I said, breathlessly.

"The thing is, Bella, I fell in love with you a long time ago. I wasn't sure you could ever love someone like me, but you did. And two years ago, I fucked it up. I was lucky - and blessed - that you forgave me. I never thought you would - no matter how often I prayed and hoped you would.

"We've been through a lot." He swallowed hard and took a few deep breaths trying to calm himself. "No matter what life has thrown at us, I've never stopped loving you, and I never will. Bella, what I'm trying to say - most ineloquently I might add - is that I can't imagine my life without you."

"Me, too," I whispered. He was so sweet and stunning all at once. He was truly taking my breath away.

"Bella, I need to know that at the end of this life I've been given that you were more than my girlfriend. I know you have issues with what I'm about to ask, but . . . damn, why is this so hard? I don't know how else to ask you so . . . will you? Will you marry me?"

I gasped. Did he? Did he really just ask me what he had? In all of the dark days when he was gone, they were the words that haunted me in my dreams, and there they were, tumbling out amongst the flowers and tall grass in a rapid rush of adrenaline and emotions. I couldn't have loved him anymore in that moment. He was so honest, so sincere, so loving, and so Edward.

"Bella? You okay?" Edward asked slightly worried.

I thought about what he had said, how much he loved me, how _right_ we were together, and how deeply I loved him. Without thinking, I blurted out the news I'd almost forgotten to share. "I'm pregnant."

It was Edward's turn to go silent.

"And yes! I want to marry you! So much so. Yes!" I said as I finally snapped out of my happy shocked state.

"You're pregnant?" he asked, dumbstruck.

"Yes! And you asked me to marry you," I said, smiling. Tears that I didn't know were welling up in my eyes started to fall. I was so happy; I could barely breathe.

"Yeah, I did." Edward's smile flitted nervously. "Uh . . . Bella? Are you okay with this? All of it?" he asked as a beaming smile grew, lighting his features with such incredible happiness, I'd never seen the likes of it.

"Yeah, I totally am. Are you?" I questioned, as my smile grew larger.

"Bella, I couldn't be happier." He pulled me to him, holding me in the most loving, and tender hug. He kissed my lips and brushed my hair back from my face. "So is this a 'yes' then?"

"You have to ask?" I questioned through my tears. "It's totally a yes."

Edward exhaled the nervous breath he'd been holding. "Oh, Bella." He placed his hands on my cheeks and kissed me again, the weight and emotions of everything we had been through was evident in his touch. His lips eased against mine, softly seeking to take the kiss further, and I obliged. His tongue gently brushed over my lips, teasing me and bringing forth an even deep kiss than we were sharing. Trying to catch our breath, we broke away from our passionate kiss, our foreheads resting against each other's for a moment before we looked at each other. "Bella?"

"Hmmm?"

His mouth curved at one corner, a mischievous look glinted in his eyes. "Which news do we tell your dad first? That we're getting married or that you're pregnant?"

We laughed before kissing again. A new chapter in our lives was about to start and for the first time, the idea of marriage and children didn't scare me. I wanted this more than anything. "I think we should ease him into this one. Can't have him locking me away in my room, now can we?" I question with a playful wink.

"Nah, not worried. I'd just slip in through the window like I did in high school," Edward said before kissing me tenderly.

"You totally would." I laughed.

Edward kissed me again, his lips so soft but firm against mine. "I love you. Forever."

I smiled against his lips. "Forever."

_Chapter End Notes:_

_Thank you all so much for reading this story! I hope this was the perfect little HEA to this story and one that you all hoped for._

_There is a playlist for this: .com_

_I'd love to hear from you!_

_And if you care to leave a review, that would be great, too!_


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